I tried to post at work but that's not gonna happen. Too distracting.
I've been having crazy dreams for the past two nights. Saturday I dreamed that Mr. A called me the night before our D was to be finalized and said he made a big mistake. We rushed into the courthouse the next day, grabbed the papers, ran, and went home together. It was a great dream and I hated waking up from it!
Then I woke up at 3 a.m. last night with like some great awakening. I felt calm, like I had direction. I said to myself, after all this time, just don't close your heart, don't close your mind, and don't start making up stories about what happened just to get some temporary relief.
I told myself, you don't "know" what happened and you're not going to find out between now and 1:30 p.m. on Wednesday, June 23.
I mean, I've realized a lot of things that I did wrong and I've realized a lot of things that Mr. A did wrong, but I don't know what was the last straw for him. I really don't understand how he could just shut down and block me like this.
I read (I think on Newmama's thread) something about a person with a really messed up childhood finding freedom and rebelling, and maybe this is what happened with Mr. A. Who knows?
So I woke up in the middle of the night with good ideas that gave me at least a tiny degree of comfort. Then I went back to bed and had nightmares for the next three hours.
I dreamt that I drove the wrong way onto an expressway (i.e., driving in on the exit ramp). I dreamt that I was reading something really important and it stopped mid-sentence. I dreamt that I thought I was going to a book club and it turned out to be a divorce support group.
I saw my IC today. He likes to keep the focus on the end of the relationship. Thanks, dude. He's a really good IC, but he bugs me with his constant reality checks. Whatever.
Anyway, I don't want to be getting divorced. I STILL DON'T want to be getting divorced. Yes, I will live through it. Kicking and screaming! (JK!!) (And of course not kicking and screaming to Mr. A!!!!!!!!!)
In mine (CT), the judge just verified name, addresses, dates, asked if we are in agreement, asked questions about certain sections. Approved it. Standard stuff. Cold. Factual. Matter-of-fact. Some signatures. Goodbye.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks, Gardener. I don't have a lawyer but it's been ok so far because the process is pretty simple and I stayed on top of things for the first couple of months. But since the last time I saw/spoke to WH - which was at court on 5/12 at our pretrial conference - I haven't been able to motivate myself to get information. So I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
We were supposed to get mediation. We signed up that day to be put on the waiting list and nobody ever called. I checked in with them a couple of weeks ago and they said we're still on the list. Apparently you don't have to complete mediation before the D is final.
My IC asked me yesterday why I am bothering to show up tomorrow. I told him I've not run away from reality so far (just kept up a lot of hope for my M) and I don't want to start now. He said that sounded like a good reason.
But now I feel very nervous about going. Am I just torturing myself by showing up? I have to think about it. I'd love to hear what you all think.
One thing I know is that the D will go through whether or not I'm there. Hmm, I just don't know what to do.
The pretrial conference was as you describe, Gardener - cold, factual, matter-of-fact. It was incredibly draining.
I better get back to work, but I hope to hear some of your thoughts...
Well for me, I plan to be there. I don't want any unforseen surprises popping up in court and not being there to object if they do. Also, by not being there you may inadvertently send a message to the court that you really don't care what the judgement/settlement is.
Will it be pleasant - no, however it is part of closure and eventually moving on. Hope that helps and good luck to you.
