Well, Piano, I have to say that "being the better option" at least stalled my D. I mean stbxh (Sorry but I HAVE to call him that to get it through my head!) has admitted he has been uncertain this whole time. Of course he is still divorcing me but my goal was to make him want to come back to me, so at least he is uncertain about being with OW vs me, which means I had some impact, right?
So my point in telling you this is that it is certainly worth a try if you WANT to go for it. After all, there are other women on this board who used this method and it worked.
You have already exposed and gone NC...didn't help your sitch so we are supposed to do what works, right?
Something that has prevented me from being angry (even though I WANTED to be angry) is that I thought of how stbxh was going through some kind of surreal mental crisis. Will this help you do you think?
Thanks for this NM. Yes, do what works, not what feels right. I believe you really made your husband think twice. I think he will alwasy doubt what he is doing - hopefully enough to wake up and come back to you before too long! I've never tried 'being the better option' so it seems the time has come for me to give this a go.
I haven't mentioned this yet but I have managed to stall the divorce a bit... Today my WH changed his status with the local government unemployment agency from Separated to us being back together as a married couple. This is for my o/seas citizenship application, which could take anywhere from 3-12months to come through.
great! you have bought yourself some time! thanks for your well wishes. I am now going to focus on being alone and not on stbxh!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
What's worrying me tonight is the idea that so many people are angry at WH for what he's done, that he'll never be able to come back because of the shame of it all.
I know. I worry about this kind of thing, too.
me, 30 WH, 29 D born June 2010 M: July 2001 Bomb/S: 1/14/10 Done with it all.
You know, I totally worried about this so I did a white lie back in March when trying to sell WH on the benefits of reconciliation by saying "our family and friends want us to reconcile so we will have their support." The reason why it was a white lie is because not 100% of them felt that way, but 50%. If I said "half of our family and friends will support us" it wouldn't have been as appealing, lol!
So I tell you because when the window opens for discussion, probably in the future, you might want to slip in something positive about him coming back.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
My family would accept him back... I hope one day I get to let him know that.
Meanwhile..hope is not a plan, right?
So, WH leaves for other country and OW tomorrow for 2 weeks.
We have been emailing about baby names. I won't go into it, but I threw in a bit of black humour in my last sign off - wanted to acknowledge he was leaving, but not get morose about it.
Strange as it may be... most of my family would accept him back. As my one sister said It's H! How could I not love him or want him back... but one day i will let him have it and kick his A$$! hhaahahaha.
My mom and siblings would accept him, as i think they've already shown him. My extended family would probably be 50/50. And as for friends... some have drifted away from both of us.
H and I have spoken about this in detail. Its too bizarre. My sitch is beyond bizarre! I had my grandmother tell me the other day that someone put a spell on him! Seriously?!?!? Crazy family!
Piano... so does this mean he is helping you get your citizenship? If so that's excellent!
Black humor: I think it's a great way to be with him.
Have you set up the next two weeks to keep yourself very busy and with as many people as possible? It will help you forget him!
Thanks G, yes I have some nice plans in place.
Tomorrow a friend coming over to play with bubs, and tomorrow night dinner with my Dad. Next week, I hope, a trip to the bush with my family.
Today I was out and about shopping and it was the first time I felt totally on top of things.
I also saw my psych (the one who met WH) and we talked about how lack of imagination had probably made my marriage stagnate. Instead of being creative about making positive changes to our lives, we just drifted along doing what wasn't working, then WH felt 'trapped', of course which was exacerbated when we found out I was pregnant. WH was so *overhwelmed, he left.
* also talked about the story I might tell bub one day - about how and why WH left. It might go something like "Your father wanted you very much, but his love for you was so overwhelming, he couldn't stay here and had to go home to his country where he felt he needed to be.."...or something like that! Er, needs to be refined big-time, especially that last bit, but you get the idea I hope!
We also talked about how I think I got lost somewhat in my marriage and that this crisis is an opportunity to find myself again and be the ME I am meant to be. And he said I might even find myself wanting to thank WH for this opportunity. I said bloody unlikely!! Not at that stage yet!
Black humor: I think it's a great way to be with him.
I feel I shouldn't be joking around or behave flippantly when I communicate with WH about our sitch, but where there is tragedy there is also humour to be found, right?
I like to think it's a sign I am letting go of his drama...
. Sometimes I feel we are bargaining : I get my citizenship, baby gets his last name (hyphenated with mine, of course).