My Husband Just Left Me

[BrownEyes]

I guess I'm just confused. I don't fee like I'm stooping down to his level. Is that how my email sounds?

I mean, he is out seeing prositutes and cheating on me so it's a little hard to be completely amicable when my entire marriage has basically been a lie and he used the $125 to go see a hooker.

I don't really know what I'm doing. I've come to the conclusion that the only way we could get back together is if he has some sort of revelation, wanted to completely change and get help and I find that unlikely right now so I'm trying to get by as best I can.

[BeingMe]

I hate to say this, but I've been on the bb a long time. I think your WH started not wanting people to know you're S because he wasn't sure what he wanted ... he is used to hiding his life and this is just one aspect that he wants hidden, for now. But he is escalating the financial stuff, and ignoring your previous email for him to return funds tells me he is not in a mindset to hear you. Eventually, he will tell people and somehow you're going to be the bad guy, for some reason or another. His family may be sympathetic now, but blood is thicker than water, and they won't want to believe he's at fault.

I think it's pointless sending an email since the previous one was ignored. You can either just let things stand, and hope he will honour the mortgage payments. Or, it may be time to visit a lawyer to find out what your next move can be.

DB'ing doesn't work, IMO, on people with addictions. You cannot DB an addiction. Your WH is not at home in his body right now ... it's the addiction you're dealing with. You know why he is taking money out ... to feed the addiction.

[BeingMe]

I've come to the conclusion that the only way we could get back together is if he has some sort of revelation, wanted to completely change and get help and I find that unlikely right now so I'm trying to get by as best I can.

I think you are right in this assessment, and you are the best person to know what is best for you.

I don't think you are stooping to your WH's level ... you are just trying to find a way to stay sane in an insane situation. Asking him if he's okay will achieve nothing ... he won't hear it, in fact, I think he will again ignore the email. Detachment is the best thing now, I feel. Have as little to do with him as possible. Yes, he is a human too, but he is one who has an alleged addiction, and one that is very painful for a wife to deal with. You don't deserve this. He needs help, but only he can decide when.

[BrownEyes]

To clarify, I never sent an email asking about the $125 that is what I was going to do. We are fine on bills and it will probably be okay if it is not returned but I don't want to take a chance.

I haven't asked him ANYTHING about the money at all. That's what I was asking...should I send me an email and say:

"WH,

I would appreciate it if you would not withdraw money from the joint billing account. You recently withdrew $125.00 from the account; what did you need this money for? Can you pleaes replenish the money you took? Please also replenish the $5.00 that you took from the account. Thanks."

Rob thought I should be nicer but I don't think my email sounds "mean" or maybe it does and I just can't see it.

I love my WH DEARLY. I love him more than I think he realizes and it's killing me and if he would wake up one day and get help and change back to the person I knew for the first 7 years of our relationship that would be one thing but right now that doesn't look very certain or possible. He said this is what he wanted so that is where I am.

My family (mom and dad) now knows about his SA, his parents know and a best friend of mine. I just couldn't keep the secret anymore and I need help and strength to get through this. I know the only way I could ever go back is if he completely changed which is unlikely. I'm trying to let go and it is hard.

What do you think about the email?

I still don't get him not sure about what he wants - give me a break. It just doesn't make sense and I refuse to continue to put my life on hold and be his doormat. I have given him so many chances to change and be a better person and it's just not fair. I want a life and a family that loves me.

[BeingMe]

Oh sorry! I thought you had sent him an email previously ... some weeks ago, and I couldn't remember if he had responded.

Okay then. I still don't think you should send one since you haven't yet given him much time to return it. If it had been a substantial amount, say more than a $1000, then I would not email, but call him and ask him directly what is going on with the account. Even if he doesn't return these particular funds, and you are able to continue living there, then I would leave well alone. As long as he still paying enough to cover the mortgage.

Here's the thing ... if you pounce on every cent he takes out, you are going to exhaust yourself. I would guess that things are going to get worse before they get better. Haggling over a couple of hundred dollars is just going to stress you out.

If you feel you must send the email, I would suggest keeping it simple and businesslike: "Please don't withdraw money from the joint billing account. You recently withdrew $125.00 from the account, and another $5.00, so it would be nice if you could return it ASAP."

I think it's a good idea to let people know about the S.

Take care.

[BrownEyes]

He has had 4 weeks to return $125. I think that is plenty of time but you are right it hasn't effected our bills. It's more just the principal that I know he used the money that should be for our bills to buy a hooker and would kind of like that back but maybe that is what people are talking about when they are saying "stooping down to his level"?

[BeingMe]

Oh BE, I know there is a principle involved here; right from wrong. But, he won't hear it; if he knows then he doesn't care. He probably still loves you deep inside and maybe his leaving is his way of protecting you. Who knows?

I advise keeping dark, cutting off as much contact as possible and continue with your GAL.

[BrownEyes]

Hi Everyone,

So I have been going dark, have not had any contact with WH AT ALL since he left except for one email that asked him to let me know if he was going to stop by and another email about our bank accounts and then I saw him at the wedding and that has been absolutely all contact since he left.

I have confirmed (SURPRISE!) that he posted ANOTHER ad on craigslists looking for an "older woman" to fulfill his fantasy. So he is clearly not stopping his behavior. I've gotten better over the past two weeks with not obsessing so much over everything although its still hard sometimes.

My parents and 3 close friends knew about the seperation from day one but over the weekend I told my aunt, uncles and grandparents. Everyone is supportive. I told another friend (because I needed to ask if she could watch my dog). I'm not announcing it over email or anything but I figure that as I see more friends WH will come up (How is WH?) and that's when I'll let them know.

My parents, his parents, my grandmother and one of my friends now know about his sex addiction. I didn't raelly want to tell my grandmother but she is very judgemental and I felt like she was judging me when I told her about the seperation so I just ended up telling her the things he has been doing.

I will have to see WH on Monday for a reunion meeting we are having (two other people will be there).

I also find it interesting that I don't think WH has told his friends about seperation. When I emailed my friend (mutual friend of ours) to ask her about watching the dog I said "I don't know if you have heard but WH and I are seperated." and then I went into about wathcing the dog. When she emailed me back she said "Friend1 mentioned to us that WH had been sleeping over at his house a couple nights a week so we thought there might be problems" This means that WH didn't even tell Friend1 that we were seperated! It just baffles my mind that he left me and is so set on divorce but still hasn't told people flat out that we are seperated!

I'm curioius about what is going to happen when the reunion comes up. WH have been together for a very long time (we went to high school together). My plan at the reunion is just to not really talk about my marriage or WH but if someone asks I will say I'm seperated. I don't want to do this whole "pretending" thing like he wanted to do the wedding a few weeks ago.

What do you guys think about the above?

[BrownEyes]

Also, several people have mentioned that you guys share one anothers facebook info and talk on there sometimes. How do I get that info? I'm happy to share mine too but don't want to post my real name on here (for obvious) reasons.

[BeingMe]

I think you should play the reunion meeting by ear. He may not even turn up. If he does, stick to business, unless he brings up R talk. Then, just listen. This would be an opportunity to hear what he has planned, if anything. There will be two other people, so it is unlikely he will discuss anything personal.

You are doing really well. Keep up the good work. You don't sound as obsessive as you were in the beginning. Detachment must be working, unless I'm reading you wrong.

Just continue to realize that you cannot control what he does, but you can control YOU and how you handle the sitch.

Take care.

PS Not sure about the alt. I have a few db'ers from years back on my facebook, but I don't generally share it with anyone anymore.