you didn't mess up, relax, its your equipment, you're allowed to do what you want with it and you need to stop being so afraid of your wife's reaction, she knows this and keeps pulling that controlling card every time.
"Look wife (insert wife's name here), I'm done trying to make this work because it obviously isn't working. I would have preferred that we worked things out and got the marriage back on track but I'm tired of being accused of being controlling and everything else that you accuse me of and most of all I'm tired of wanting someone who doesn't want me. Go out, be with whoever you want, I won't stop you as I'm moving on with my own life now. I've finally decided that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and I don't want to wait for you anymore, I get it, you don't want to be with me anymore and truthfully I don't want that anymore either, trying, trying and trying hasn't gotten me anywhere and I'm not going to be some schmuck that waits for years for his wife to wake up and love him again. FYI I'm going to petition for joint custody because I'm not going to settle for becoming a weekend dad, and I'm not moving out of my house, we'll just sell it when we divorce and split as part of the marital assets, when you decide to file for divorce give me a shout and I'll get my lawyer ready and we'll do this as amicably as possible so that we can both move on with our lives."
Kissing her a$$ and trying to be too super nice to her is fake and it's pissing her off, be normal, be regular, get your life in gear, get a life, be a great father to your kids and let your wife go. You're holding on too hard and it will never work that way, detach, let her go and move on with your life.
That was part of our marriage problem, I was controlling. I was so tight with the finances, I probably could of made a diamond out of a dollar. I have now learned to let go of this.
I am not afraid of my W reaction or am kissing her a$$, though I wish I actually was. LOL It was a minor subconscious set back on my part. I did not see it as snooping or controlling, but from her point I can. This is a 180 I must work on.
On a side note...
Yesterday we all went out and ate icecream for fathers day.I know I wasn't supposed to talk about R, but she kind of brought it up. I made it clear, I have been controlling, abusive, etc. I am changing my self as I see now that this is bad behavior. I am doing it for myself and if you come to accept it and take me back, then it is your decision to make.
oh, Thanks for the speech Robx, but I dont think I am at this phase yet. When it gets down to the point of no return beleive me, I will detach and move on. I will not play dirty but I will fight with all I(and my lawyer) has.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
You've been at this NINE YEARS, but you're "not at this phase yet"??
LOL...I just noticed my typo. No I have been at this for a little over 3 weeks now. We were separated on 6/4/10,Let me go correct that.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
you have apologized to her for your abusive ways, both verbal and physical (which really affects her sense of security, she's supposed to feel safe around you and she feels scared, not good), you say you've changed, I'm assuming the physical abuse part goes way back and nothing recent, the verbal abuse I'm guessing has always been there but that can be a two way street.
It's hard for us to assess your situation remotely with so many extra variables at work here.
Are you sorry? Have you really changed? In 3 weeks? I don't buy it, neither does she. In fact I will tell you that she will probably test you, probably push your buttons even more just to see you react the way you used to so that this validates her perception of you.
Like I said before, stop pursuing her, no R talk, focus on being a better you, get yourself some personal counselling if you can, be a good dad and let her be what she wants to be, let her do what she wants.
This will take a long time, this isn't a 3 week or 3 month special, this could take a very long time.
I have been doing my 180s but Its just not working. I have never been real communicative with my wife, so as a 180 I have been tring to talk to her. I guees it is too much. Now she complains I am always "around" and she needs her space.
By "not working"....what part is not working? Oh, you mean it's not getting your W back? The 180's are not to get your W back, they are to improve yourself.
You are still living in the land of expectations. Just like wanting to impress your W's friend at lunch, hoping the friend would put in a good word for you. The key to all of this is to improve yourself without any expectations from your W. Can you be the best guy in town....and not expect even a second glance from your W? Until you reach that place, your work will all be in vain.
Quote:
I have never been real communicative with my wife, so as a 180 I have been tring to talk to her. I guees it is too much. Now she complains I am always "around" and she needs her space.
But you are smothering her. That's not good. The time to have given her attention with conversation was "before" a S. I understand what you were trying to do, but in a case with the WAW, it will backfire in your face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Are you sorry? Have you really changed? In 3 weeks? I don't buy it, neither does she. In fact I will tell you that she will probably test you, probably push your buttons even more just to see you react the way you used to so that this validates her perception of you.
Like I said before, stop pursuing her, no R talk, focus on being a better you, get yourself some personal counselling if you can, be a good dad and let her be what she wants to be, let her do what she wants.
This will take a long time, this isn't a 3 week or 3 month special, this could take a very long time.
Yes I am sorry, this S has actually opened my eyes to what I have done. As for being completely changed in 3 weeks, no I didn't BS her with that nor will I do to you. I know this will take longer than this or 3 months, or hell, she may never want me back. It hurts but I have accepted that. As for the test, I know its going to happen. I hope she test the crap out of me. i did start counseling, the first session was pretty much a go over some forms and a little about what I filled out on my forms. I have another session on the 5th next month.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I have been doing my 180s but Its just not working. I have never been real communicative with my wife, so as a 180 I have been tring to talk to her. I guees it is too much. Now she complains I am always "around" and she needs her space.
By "not working"....what part is not working? Oh, you mean it's not getting your W back? The 180's are not to get your W back, they are to improve yourself.
You are still living in the land of expectations. Just like wanting to impress your W's friend at lunch, hoping the friend would put in a good word for you. The key to all of this is to improve yourself without any expectations from your W. Can you be the best guy in town....and not expect even a second glance from your W? Until you reach that place, your work will all be in vain.
Quote:
I have never been real communicative with my wife, so as a 180 I have been tring to talk to her. I guees it is too much. Now she complains I am always "around" and she needs her space.
But you are smothering her. That's not good. The time to have given her attention with conversation was "before" a S. I understand what you were trying to do, but in a case with the WAW, it will backfire in your face.
The 180's I was meaning, was being communicative to anyone even W. I tend to keep to myself and hold in all my feelings. I wasn't trying to impress her friend, but communicating with her and her friend was a step in the right direction to doing my 180. I thought communicating with her would help, as I have not done so before. I see it "is" smothering her. T have stopped and I do try go dark, but since I am S and living in our mom in law apartment, she comes in occasionally. I try to keep the conversations short, but she tends to try and keep it going. She also calls me with every now and then doing the same. I always keep it short and am first to say by and hang up. That's why this is so confusing to me.
Thanks Sandi
Last edited by CPCajun; 06/22/1001:25 AM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
I went out last night. It was the first time I have been out in about 8 or so years. I found a bar in the next town and had a few beers while watching people play this beer drinkin ping pong ball game. It was nice to actually get out. Its been so long since I have done anything, I don't know what to do anymore. I am not too good of a social person.
I actually forgot about the chaos going on for an hour or two.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Ok I have been doing some reading and just about every post about moving out is a NO NO. Technically I did not move out, but I am staying in our mom in law apartment on the property. Should I just continue to stay in it or just grab everything and move back in the home. My wife is leaving for a trip this weekend and don't know if this would be a good time to do so.
Also I found these 34 rules Sandi(?) posted. I will follow these to a "T". But if I move back into the house it may make things a little harder to follow, but doable.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Well some won't agree with me, but this is how I see it. I think you should stay where you are. If you move back into the house it is going to really do nothing more than cause her anger to hit the roof. You aren't to fear her anger and that is not why you stay where you are, okay? If I'm understanding what you wrote, you are very near the house....maybe in eyeshot? She's already wanting to know what you are doing--and I think you could continue to use this setup to your advantage.
If you move back into the house, it will push any progress backwards several weeks due to the anger she'll have...and she may not get past that. I know if I were that WAW it would not be a good move for the H. Every stitch is a bit different, and this is how I see your's as being the exception.
Anyway, I don't see it being worth it when you are near enough that you can live in peace and out from under that kind of stress. If you were under the same roof, she would know exactly what you were doing all the time, but living right next door.....she can only wonder what you are doing....who you may be talking to, etc. It's an opportunity to make mystery work for you.
Everytime she sees that little building, she'll know that she has no right to say anything about your life now. You are free to do whatever, whereas living under the same roof....could cause so much more tension.
If handled correctly, you are in a position that could start another R with her. But remember, just as she can see where you live....so can you see her house.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
