The saga continues

[OfficerInNeed]

NEED ADVICE AND HELP UNDERSTANDING WHAT JUST HAPPENED/SAID


W and I decided to do some more work on the house today. W spoke future tense a few times.

During us doing the work (painting ect) W was communicating to me using sounds again. According to her, she is hot and aggravated.

There came a point where W asked where I wanted the towel rack in the bathroom and I replied "Where ever you think it looks best" W got upset because earlier I said I did not like the towel rack where it currently was.

W then attempted to put the mirror back on the wall in the bathroom I attempted to help her as I was moving over we bumped into each other but W acted as if I had done it on purpose.

W then gave up and went and sat down then we had a conversation that I think has done a lot of damage.

W questioned why I have an attitude, I told W

"I am sorry you feel that I have an attitude."

W went on to tell me why she thinks I have an attitude

I said "I can see how you might think I have an attitude"

I then asked W what her intentions are

W asked "What do you mean?" and I replied "DO you plan on leaving?" W said "I can't answer that right now"

I then said "I enjoy the fact we are working on the house together. Why all for the 26th?" FYI 26th is the day of the house warming/bday party.

W said "I want it to look presentable" and I replied "I want the home to look presentable for the 26tth as well but I also hope the improvements to our home extend beyond the 26th"

W did not reply.

I then said to W "The other day you made a comment to me 'I do things to see how you react' what is the purpose of that? When we spend time together I do everything to ensure it is a good time"

W replied "I do it to see if you really changed. When someone loves and cares for another person it does not matter how they communicate and all you do is want to govern what I say. You always controlled what I say and how I say it and I want to see if you changed."

I said "You are right , in the past, I did try to control and 'govern' what you said. "

I then said to W "I want to develop a healthy relationship and communication is key to doing so. Using sounds comes across as disrespectful"

W said "We never had a healthy relationship and what you think it best is not the same as I think. I know the whole healthy communication blah blah blah but that is not how I think. You did a lot to me in the past to make things this way and I don't think it will ever change."

W then went on to say "You done so much wrong in the past 10 years I can't ever trust you again. I trust you less than I would a complete stranger because I know you will do me wrong and I believe everything goes in a cycle and you'll do it again. I don't think you changed, I see no changes and even if you did change I don't think it will make a difference"

I then said to W "I can see why you would not trust me, I did say and do a lot of terrible things."

I then said to W "Marriage means a lot to me and I want to build a healthy strong marriage."

W said something I forget what at this point. I said to W "You right, maybe YOU will not see a change in me..." I said something along with this but don't recall right now

I said "Tell me 3 things right now that you do not like about me"

W said "1. I hate that you have false hope for the future. 2. I hate that you try to govern what I say.."

W did not give a 3rd reason.

I said "What do you mean false hope for the future?"

W said "You think that is we worked on our marriage together that everything will be great and it won't, you also think that it is all going to workout someday"

I said "I do think that working on the marriage together things will improve sooner and be a lot easier and the only hope I have for the future is that I am married to someone who loves and cares for me. It would be great if you are that someone."

I then said "You are right about me governing what you say, I can see how the way I was trying to improve our communication would come across as me trying to 'govern' the way you speak"

I said "I do not want to live in limbo and want to be in a healthy loving marriage."

I asked "What do you think would help improve things between us"

W said "For you to stop talking about it"

W just continued doing what she was doing and then I walked away

I know I should had never engaged in a R talk but it just happened. Most of what I said has been on my mind for a long time now and I just had to get it out.

I am not sure what to do at this point, what to say if anything. I feel as if I made things worse or at the very least pushed her away farther.

Where to go from here and how bad did I just make things.

Somewhere in there I referred to W and I living as roommates and I am not looking for a roommate but a W and W said "You made it this way"