I am just going to say it because you really need to hear this.
Let go of your FEAR.
As FDR said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself".
You cannot control her or her choices, but you can protect yourself and your family, and you can choose to face your fears, become stronger and more empathetic, and then let the fears go.
If she chooses her X, then so what?
I wouldn't finance her affair by paying for anything without the court ordering it. Why? Because I am not afraid of losing her like you are... even though she's pretty much gone already.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/21/1008:26 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Believe nothing they say and only half of what you see when it comes to the WAW right ??
God I hope this is true. Because yesterday WAW had another "freak out " attack after DD's follow up Dr's appt.
Today is DD's last day of school and the day the living arrangements switch to every other week for the kids. There was still a TON of stuff that had to be gone over regarding household property and such. Well, after about 5 mins of a polite conversation I apparently stepped on a landmine ( damn blindfold ) and she went bonkers again !! Beating her fists on the top rail of my pick up bed, screaming about how " you did this to me " , " you ruined 14 years of my life !"( length of our relationship), "every thing your doing ( my changes and 180's) is tearing out another piece of my heart !" ( so she's noticing, just not in a good way ), " Just move on !!!"
She eventually wound up shoving me in the chest three times, of course I didnt even raise my hands, then collapsed in the parking lot crying hysterically. All of this was witnessed by DD who is going on 6. She finally got up, got in MY other pickup she still is driving and left. Of course DD wanted to know what I did that made mommy so upset and why she pushed me.
Later last night, whats going to happen hit DD pretty tough, she started crying, upset about alot of things, that I wouldnt be there at night to tuck her in, "why cant you and mommy just get over this so we can be a family again " ??? TORE MY HEART OUT when all this happened with DD.
Something is SERIOUSLY wrong with WAW's mental state. Not sure what but it sure looks like a breakdown of some kind. The thing is she does a great job of putting on a front for the most part, but even an inadvertant misstep in a conversation that she perceives as being about "us" and she explodes. Problem is I have NO idea whats "safe" to bring up and whats not, since some of the things have no connection to anything about "us".
The DYFS case worker has been advised, and is mandating a psych eval for WAW. She seemed pretty confident that the eval would reveal something, even if her "trigger" ( me) wasnt present.
Then DD starts her counseling sessions next Weds. The format is essentially for all of of us, focused on the DD, but the appointment broken up into individual one on one blocks of time. Im really at the point of being alarmed and scared for the WAW, obviously I cant just stop caring about her, regardless of whats going on.
The thing is, the WAW's reactions have gotten progressively WORSE and MORE violent as time has gone on from the beginning of May when this all started. Validation, not disagreeing with even the most skewed of her claims, compassion, empathy, etc. NONE of them have worked in the way so many books and articles suggest they would.
I really am at a loss.................
ETA. Ran yesterdays incident past the neighbor that was trying to help facilitate clear communications between us and she is still reading it as that WAW is struggling terribly with what she has done and second guessing herself for walking and maybe coming around to the realization that my changes are for real and she feels trapped somehow and the extreme anger is a manifestation of this and or guilt. I dunno..........
What do you think it took her to leave the M? It isn't easy to walk away from a M.
At the point she decided to leave, it probably seemed like the easiest thing to do (in a world of only bad choices).
She was probably frustrated with waiting for you to change and had built up so much resentment toward you that she felt justified in looking outside the M for something to make her feel better.
Happiness, however, is a DIY job. Nobody is going to make you happy. Some folks, once they know where your buttons are, can do a pretty darned good job of making sure that every time you are happy you are knocked down a peg or two though.
So now... seperation isn't making her happy either, so the hope that leaving was easier doesn't seem to be panning out.
That doesn't mean, however, that you are the more attractive alternative. She might be stuck in a world of crap where there are no evident good choices. I don't know, your neighbor doesn't know, you don't know. None of us can read her mind.
Quote:
Ran yesterdays incident past the neighbor that was trying to help facilitate clear communications between us and she is still reading it as that WAW is struggling terribly
I don't think involving the neighbor is at all sensible. I am pretty sure others probably told you as much. If you need to talk to a family therapist for some IC, then do that, but stop dragging the neighbor lady into it because this is not a professional relationship you two are having.
After just a cursory browsing of some of your posts, I'd like to see you work on letting go of much of your fear and developing more empathy. Feel the fear, understand it, but do not let it drive your actions and rational thought, and then let it go, and then... hopefully... you will begin to understand how fear and resentment drive others to do things that might not seem rational.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/22/1012:44 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
...The thing is, the WAW's reactions have gotten progressively WORSE and MORE violent as time has gone on from the beginning of May when this all started. Validation, not disagreeing with even the most skewed of her claims, compassion, empathy, etc. NONE of them have worked in the way so many books and articles suggest they would.
I really am at a loss.................
A lot of those authors haven't dealt with these issues first hand, a lot of them think applying "logic" to these situations should produce logical results. We're dealing with emotions, not logic, the two are different, they require different approaches - still seems to me like you're kissing her a$$ too much and she is angry at you, no worries about that, why couldn't you have been "Mr.Perfect" before all this started? And I'll tell you why.... because no one is perfect. She has extremely high expectations and zero respect for you, she will get you to jump through every hoop and she may even derive some twisted sense of satisfaction of making you work hard and maybe even thinking to herself, "I enjoy watching him suffer, he thinks he can be all perfect now but you wait and see because I will continue rejecting him and disrespecting him until his spirit is broken too..."
I can't say with 100% certainty that she is thinking this way but your wife is angry and depressed and frustrated and she doesn't know what to do, none of her available choices are good, it's like saying which pile of crap do you want, the one on the right or the one on the left?
You won't get to the finish line that you're hoping for by continuing to kiss her a$$, I can guarantee you that.
I am just going to say it because you really need to hear this.
Let go of your FEAR.
As FDR said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself".
You cannot control her or her choices, but you can protect yourself and your family, and you can choose to face your fears, become stronger and more empathetic, and then let the fears go.
If she chooses her X, then so what?
I wouldn't finance her affair by paying for anything without the court ordering it. Why? Because I am not afraid of losing her like you are... even though she's pretty much gone already.
Bolded by me. Your absolutely RIGHT, I AM afraid, because our kids deserve to have their parents and family intact!! Not to be a smart ass, but I noticed you dont have kids with your EX, and that changes the dynamic, at least to me it does.
Not to be a smart ass, but I noticed you dont have kids
No, I do not. Puppy has 4 kids.
The fear thing has to go no matter what.
Fair enough. The other thing is, it seems, at least to me ( which certainly may be skewed) that I HAVE let go of the fear, at least to a much greater degree then I ever had before. Now, that being said, I guess its certainly possible that it may peek out now and then subconsciously during our interactions, I dont know. I know yesterday was ridiculously tough for me to keep a nuetral face on when she was packing and moving stuff out and instigating me over the stupidest of things, such as the fact that she got pissy cause I wouldnt let her deplete my stock of trashbags so SHE could pack. " Hey WAW, Im sorry but I need them myself, had you simply asked me the night before I might have been able to get you some or something " She flipped out even about that !
I did slip once when she finally pushed to far with the insults and nonsense and responded she was a terrible liar. I didnt let on anymore then that, but I KNOW she's been lying about alot of things. I also found out quite a few other things through intel that she's been lying about, and some of those may in fact wind up coming back to bite her in the ass, particularly with regards to her living situation and DYFS involvement, which means the chances increase that the kids come back to me. One thing she accidentaly confirmed for me yesterday without even realizing it was the phone number she had been texting with ever increasing frequency since Mid March, and I strongly suspected belonged to her EX was in fact correct!
Neighbor called to check on me yesterday when she saw the vehicles/people outside. Went and talked to her for a bit and hit on something that may explain why the usual DB remedies are not having the normal effect. Since WAW clearly needs some type of mood stabilization medication before she can think or process things clearly, until that is identified and treatment is started, nothing I try to do will be interpreted correctly.
WAW actually said that she believes all my changes, 180's etc or nothing more then a sick attempt by me to F with her ! And NOTHING could be further from the truth. I just want my WAW to see I've "woken up " I want to fight for our relationship and our family, etc.
One thing that Im REALLY struggling with is knowing everything I know and wanting to confront her, just trying to get her to stop LYING about things ! Intellectually I know in her current state it wont matter a lick, but I feel a nearly uncontrollable desire to make sure she knows she's not nearly as "slick " as she thinks she is and that Im not some idiot that she can lie to with impugnity.
I just want my WAW to see I've "woken up " I want to fight for our relationship and our family, etc.
So you show her by fighting about trash bags?!?!
Quote:
I know yesterday was ridiculously tough for me to keep a nuetral face on when she was packing and moving stuff out and instigating me over the stupidest of things, such as the fact that she got pissy cause I wouldnt let her deplete my stock of trashbags so SHE could pack. " Hey WAW, Im sorry but I need them myself, had you simply asked me the night before I might have been able to get you some or something " She flipped out even about that !
Uneeded drama.
Your wife can't trust you.
She needs a strong man one who thinks, takes action and leads. Not one who does things based on his feelings. You feed the drama in your situation, you seem to like it, you gossip with your neighbor, you want to be right about everything, you think you know what she is thinking, and your talk is full of extreme adjectives and absolutes.
Once you stop the drama your wifes mood will stabilise. Is what you are doing working? Do you have any men you are talking to about your situation?
Start thinking, make some goals then execute the plan.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
