Game Point

[pigskin]

Yes pigskin she seems really conflicted. I think it is a sign of her depression - she suffers from it and has never been treated or refuses to be. It runs in her family. She has been incredibly indecisive about the situation the whole time - comfortable to stay in limbo.

Finally a couple of good friends of hers are pushing her move out because to everyone else on the outside looking it it seems like a crazy situation, where there are all kinds of potential issues that can occur due to her behavior.

I pressed her hard on Sunday, and the past 2 nights she has been staying at 'her' place but coming back in the morning to get kids off to school and back in the evenings until they go to bed.

This will have to end soon. She says she will be completely out when kids finish school in a couple of weeks, so we will see. If she doesn't leave completely at that point I will need to get more aggressive.

On the OW front - My new 'friend' I met recently has been incredibly helpful as well - she is very patient and intelligent and has gone through something similar with her ex-husband and has given me some good advice on how to deal with W. She is telling me to not reveal as much to her about what I want as far as my negotiating goes with the D settlement. The caution for me is that she wants to get serious but realizes I am in no position to do that with everything going on in my life but wants to wait it out while my situation 'resolves'. I have enjoyed talking to her and spending some time with her. She doesn't have her own kids and is very 'available'.

I'm starting to think affairs are an inevitable outcome of depression given all the stories on this board. So many of them (mine included) involve depressed spouses.

[MrBond]

The thing about depression is that those in it need something or someone to fill the void and to give their life meaning.

For some it's OP, for others it's God or just a stronger sense of self. It's the people (like us) who choose the latter that turn out being the healthiest.

[tryingtilDorR]

Time for an update. Kids finished school last week and S18 graduated from HS. We had a party for 70+ people at my house on Sunday.

Since my last post, W and I got into one nasty fight/argument. I am not sure how it happened, but I really lost it. I was telling her to get out, etc. etc. The idea of her here in the house when she is carrying on a R with OM just doesn't sit right with me and I told her that now that she has her own place and spends time over there she should just stay there and we start acting officially 'separated'.

I have gotten reports from people that have seen her and OM hanging around town also.

After the argument, things calmed down and we had been trying to maintain the peace, but now that school is out she is gone. She is staying there nearly full time and only comes around when I am not home for hte most part.

I feel a huge sense of relief when she is not around. I enjoy my home and my kids when they are there. She took my S11 and S13 to her place for the first time last night and they stayed there overnight.

I cut things off with my 'friend'/OW because I knew she was expecting to get very serious quickly and I probably am not ready for that, so rather than hurt her I told her that I need more time to let the dust settle in my situation and I also think that I need to meet more people before getting serious with anyone in particular? However, it is nice to know that there are a LOT of great people out there and meeting them can be a fun and interesting journey.

Anyway, when she is gone it is like I am in a whole new world with her out of my 'space' and it feels good. 3, 6, or 9 months ago this would have been really agonizing, but for some reason now it feels liberating. There are hard times to come, especially if she starts bringing OM around my kids or otherwise gets even more serious with him like marrying him. That would be hard to deal with I think after the damage those two caused, but I will cross that bridge if I need to. Maybe they will blow up and he will be gone. I feel like I would be relieved if she found someone else at this point, almost welcoming it.

[pigskin]

There are hard times to come, especially if she starts bringing OM around my kids or otherwise gets even more serious with him like marrying him. That would be hard to deal with I think after the damage those two caused, but I will cross that bridge if I need to. Maybe they will blow up and he will be gone. I feel like I would be relieved if she found someone else at this point, almost welcoming it.

Funny you say that, as I feel the same way about my W's OM. I told her to tell him that he is to never be in my presence. I would have a hard time with them being married and handling my kids' daily routines. I could never handle him dropping them off at my house or relating to him in any way.

I would love to see her relationship blow up and have her find someone else that I could actually be comfortable with.

[tryingtilDorR]

Tonight I took S13 to watch a baseball game out of town, and we got back late around 9:30 and S11 was waiting because he wanted me to set up his new ipod that he had just got this afternoon. I worked on this but W was here and impatient because she wanted S13 and S11 to stay at her place and she was getting tired.

S13 and I are going to another game early in the morning and he told W "can't I just stay here tonight?". When D16 got home a few minutes later she said "Mom wants me to stay at her place tonight"

I don't mind at all if they kids are there - they need to be with their mom. However, it is interesting that their opinions of where they would rather be leak out.

I really don't like even seeing my W these days. I am happiest when I am in my home relaxing and she is not around.

[tryingtilDorR]

I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Kids and I made dinner last night for Father's day, and W picked up S11 and S13 at about 10 PM to take to her place.

Noticing even more how much more 'at peace' I am when W is not around. Now that she has been spotted around town with OM I almost feel 'violated' when she is around my house. She has come by here and there while I was home to pick up kids, etc. I avoid talking to her but am not polite, but she definitely gets the hint that I don't enjoy her company.

I have a feeling she is struggling with the whole adjustment to not being around the kids full time. In fact, S18 lives with me full-time so she only sees him here and there.

The sad thing now is that the kids are split up for the first time in their lives. Whenever the younger ones are at her place they are away from S18, and sometimes D16 like last night. She is starting out having kids every other night 'so they can adjust' but I also think it is for her to adjust. Ultimately we agreed that we would go a week at a time, which we might not get to until they start school but I hope its sooner.

Oh well, its the choice she has made for them so she can pursue her single life!

I know a wake-up call is coming for her at some point. Maybe it will take her and OM blowing up, who knows.

Every day she is gone I feel more relief, even though this whole scenario is hard on the kids and devastating financially. However, I also have a lot of hope on the financial side given that things are really going well for me and for my company, and I may be in a different place financially some time in the next 12 months. Things are definitely looking up for me on that front.

Everybody who hears about this whole thing thinks she is nuts. A comment someone who just heard about the whole mess made to me about OM yesterday was "If she thinks the grass is greener she is crazy - that grass was dead 10 years ago!"

[DanF]

Wow TryingtilDorR,

I haven't yet read all of your thread, but you are quite an inspiration. Sounds like you have your head screwed on straight and I only hope that I can get to the same place sometime in the future. Sometimes I think the W and I can work things out, but when she talks about her feelings for me she is just so COLD and determined about D that it makes me want to give-up hope.

Keep-up the good fight for you and your kids sake!

[tryingtilDorR]

Dan - I certainly haven't been called an inspiration before on these boards! I have had my share of 2x4s - see the stuff Sandi and Gucci had told me over the past year.

I have certainly spent time as a mush-ball, letting my emotions drive me to do some pretty stupid things in the past. If you can just shut off your emotions in this situation and try to deal with it it works SOOOOOOO much better. Easier said than done, however.

I am starting to feel like I am getting some more of my dignity back now that I don't have to be around W. I can now see why men leave in the situation I was in - I was adamant about NOT leaving my house which was the right thing to do, but it means living with a ghost-wife who was sneaking around trying to have a R with OM, which is pretty humiliating.

Now that she is gone the clouds are parting and I can see the light. Some day I might look back and thank the OM for taking her off my hands, who knows!

One other thing - I know what 'going dark' means now. Now that she is out I never initiate any contact with her - I have no desire to and it isn't just an act. At times she seems pretty frustrated if she texts me about something regarding the kids and I don't get around to answering her. I am not trying to be impolite or blow her off especially about my kids, but I am very busy these days and some times I forget to respond.

She has pretty much been sorting out when she wants the kids to stay with her and letting me know. I have been pretty relaxed about the whole thing since its summer and she is trying to get them used to staying with her away from their 'home' which will take some finessing.

Other things I like about her not being around -

My house is cleaner - she was never a fussy housekeeper and I have been able to keep the place clean for the most part.

I have taken over 75% of my MBR closet. It is about 150 sf closet and she has moved a lot of her stuff out, so I have spread out and have plenty of room for everything.

One less car around - I can use the garage all the time for MY car!

Quiet mornings - she used to get up early and take a shower and I would always wake up and now I can sleep undisturbed!

Peace and Quiet - I have noticed the house is a lot less noisy without her there even when all the kids are with me. She used to yell a lot to get things done with the kids and I have found that my style works just as well and I don't have to yell and fight with them as much as she does.

One other thing I am noticing is the affect on relatives. Now that she finally moved out many of our immediate family are very upset. Her mother and siblings barely talk to her. My mother is very upset. Her grandmother is besides herself. They assume I am very upset, but I have had to explain to them that I feel BETTER now that she is out and that it is a relief! however, they are facing down some emotions over the 'loss' of our family as it was which I already dealt with over the past 18 months in a long, slow, grieving process. My kids seem to be taking it in stride, but I am wary to not believe outward appearances.

[tryingtilDorR]

Time for an update.

I filed for Divorce. W has been spotted with OM, and I hit a point where I decided I wouldn't want her back even if she decided she wanted to R, so it was time to file to protect myself also since I have some financial events coming up that I needed to protect from her.

I have been 'negotiating' a settlement directly with W. I have a great and more-than-fair deal on the table for her but she is still waffling on whether it is 'enough' for her. I am paying her support based upon her only working 70% time not full time and she still thinks she will have to work too much - go figure.

I finally told her today that this is the best deal she will get from me voluntarily, and that if she doesn't want to sign the agreement we can just get lawyers and go to court.

Some of the things that have been happening are that W comes and goes from the house all the time and I am not that happy about it. She claims it is because we are in a 'transition' period for the kids and that she needs to come there for one reason or another. I think the real reason is that she doesn't like her place and the kids aren't thrilled about it either.

I am dating. It is a lot of fun and I have met someone I really like actually. W and my teenage kids know. I told my teenage kids because I realized that it is very possible that I would be spotted with this person so I wanted to let them know. I don't want to sneak around and I want to be up front and honest with them where I am and with whom, just like I expect from them. W complained that I told them but I told her I refuse to sneak around like her and OM have done the past 2 years, and sure enough I was out with this OW and someone who knows D16 saw us (we were in the next town over).

W has gotten real aggressive about communiating with me about the kids and complaining about one thing or another. I communicate with her minimally right now. It is a relief having her out of my daily life. When she finally moved out it was like a cloud lifted or something and I felt relief.

Its probably time for me to switch to 'surviving the big D'!

[pigskin]

Thanks for the update, tryingtilDorR. You need to post more often and keep us in the loop!

Glad to hear you are able to get the ball rolling on moving on with your life. Unfortunate that it came to that, but you accepted the fact that you can't change your W, and you gave her more than enough time to wake up.

I'm sure your W is nervous and scared about her actions pushing your family to this. Seeing you moving on is probably very frustrating to her since her "safety net" is now pulled out from under her.

I'm pretty much where you are except for the dating part. Paperwork is in the lawyer's hands and he is drawing up a dissolution agreement.

How did you re-enter the dating scene? I am definitely leery of it being over 40 and all, although I could pass for being early 30s.