WAW EA told her to leave

[ShockedOne]

I agree completely with where you're going. Keep up the good work. Here's a song for you to think of for the OM.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rn041uWncU

[Onthemountaintop]

Good luck Dave with whatever comes next~

[DangerDave]

Thanks Shocked! Still laughing my butt off!It's going on the ipod tonight!!!

[DangerDave]

Friday was a very interesting day – we had a DR appt for our D15 that we both attended. It went well but end result was ADHD medication for her. W is very protective of any med’s for the kids, but we had both previously already agreed that it was worth a try to see if her participation in school would go up to at least par. That same afternoon, W told me that since I had never forwarded the therapist information to her (that I found here, pro- marriage) that she would just go back through our HMO and find another. I told her that I wanted to discuss that with her later (to say that he’s a couple’s therapist and would not be appropriate as an IC for her). Also I stated I wanted to talk her later about something else as well, her reply was “why, what else have I done wrong?”. I told her nothing at all and that it was really a positive thing not anything to bring her down at all.

That early evening she was very quiet and had a couple of run ins with our D19 and D15 – they are really picking up on the fact that she is in a bad mood all the time here lately and that she’s treating me and them somewhat poorly or at least quite short with everyone – this is a 180 for her! I mentioned to the oldest that it’s funny how things change – not inferring anything, but they do know I am the one in a good mood all the time – 180 and GAL there, and the kids do see it.

W ended up in bedroom laying on bed early pm – I knew she was feeling very down, the Dr appt, the run in with kids, no therapist info and also that I had something to tell her. I went up and told her I was heading out to the store and if she wanted anything, asked her if she was ok – nope and I’m fine – ok off to the store. When I returned an hour or so later she was still up there, again very 180 for her. I went up and asked her again, she said nothing wrong, I knew quite differently though and started rubbing her back a bit. Eventually I turned her over and put my arms around her and gave her a big hug on the bed – I told her that she needed a hug and that she needed one all day – she hugged me back quite hard and turned the waterworks on. She started in on the Med’s for our daughter and I reassured her that we would take all the right steps and make sure everything worked out for the best for our daughter.

She then wanted to know what I wanted to talk to her about, I said I really wanted her to be in more of an “up” mood – she said “how could it get any worse”. So I went ahead and explained my thoughts on the boatload of cash I just put in her account. I carefully explained that it was about how much I cared for her as a person, as much as my wife, that with everything going on with her and us, that there may be some significant opportunities that she may not have thought through yet. The biggest and most important thing is that there’s enough cash for her to quit her job, enroll back in college full time, volunteer at the kids school and achieve her life long dream and passion of becoming a teacher. I also told her that no matter what happened between us, for better or for worse (nice vow tie in I must say) that an opportunity like this would not happen again for her for a very very long time (divorce = financial ruin and “found money” doesn’t pop up very often!) I told her that I would not ask or inquire about the money again, that I trusted her with my life, our kids lives and everything WE have and this money was just another thing WE have. Went into some control talk earlier and how I am letting go of it as well – this was just another step in that quest. Gave her a short kiss on the lips which she did as well (8 weeks since one of those) and told her I was heading down for ice cream –end of conversation!

She came downstairs later to work on her bike trip on Saturday and was in a much better mood until bed for sure.

Off to bed!

[DangerDave]

Saturday morning I got up early to go MTB and she was still at home – she was supposed to go riding early, but changed her plans to go on a different ride. Was a good morning, pleasant conversation, nothing stressful. We were talking about the college kids and cars, tuition etc, nothing unordinary and she mentioned though “If I work full time next year I can help with D19 housing costs) – that indicated to me that she had considered my proposal and that she is really thinking of going back to school – which would also lock in to “home”.

She was out all day riding, sent me a number of tm’s, all very nice and got home around I think 7 – which was early as well for that trip. I canned the MTB ride and spent all day busting my *ss painting our bedroom (project that had been on hold for a few months due to this and other personal issues) and cleaned it up to the 10th degree. It came out great, the D19 even commented on how hard I worked that day as well! When she got home, all the kids (4) were there for Father’s day following, and it was an enjoyable evening – she was in a good mood that night.

Went to bed and put my arm around her for a while, rubbed her back a bit and went to sleep – again, first “contact” like that for 6/8 weeks or so – then went to sleep.


Thanks!

DD

[DangerDave]

Sunday morning, again woke up somewhat early, 6ish and she was still in bed. Put my arm around her again and well things got going a bit and we finally were intimate again - first time 12 weeks! She did ask though if “ are you sure you want to do this” and I said it’s just sex, then caught myself and added, no it’s a lot more than that. I didn’t pull out all the stops, as it was early am, no shower, teeth etc – we just had our typical am fun – it went good. We hung out there for a short while – no real cuddling or anything like that, no I love you’s etc. just some mutual fun and games. We headed down for coffee soon after. We all then went out to breakfast at her favorite place and had a great family outing there – it was fun, the kids all saw mom in a much better mood.

We then took one of the kids and head out to a festival while the rest stayed back home to prepare the Fathers Day dinner. We had a good time at the festival, didn’t have much one on one during, but everything went as I thought it would. On the walk back to the car when leaving, I did reach out to hold her hand, she let me hold it, she didn’t hold on tightly, but didn’t drop it either (again that’s been about 6 weeks since she didn’t want me to anymore).

Dinner was great, but she seemed a bit more distant that she had been the day before and earlier that morning. I suppose it’s a bit overwhelming in her mind I’m sure. We went to bed and I was beat, so just a simple goodnight and no touching or cuddling, I felt her mood shift slightly and thought it best not to look a gift horse in the mouth!

I’m still holding the concert tickets for next month, I think I’ll see how this week plays out a bit and maybe throw it out there when I know her mood is up.

So all in all a decent Father’s Day weekend – still confusing as hell, but I’m getting used to it!

Thanks again!!

DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So I went ahead and explained my thoughts on the boatload of cash I just put in her account. I carefully explained that it was about how much I cared for her as a person, as much as my wife, that with everything going on with her and us, that [b]there may be some significant opportunities that she may not have thought through yet.[/b] The biggest and most important thing is that there’s enough cash for her to quit her job, enroll back in college full time, volunteer at the kids school and achieve her life long dream and passion of becoming a teacher. I also told her that no matter what happened between us, for better or for worse (nice vow tie in I must say) that an opportunity like this would not happen again for her for a very very long time (divorce = financial ruin and “found money” doesn’t pop up very often!) I told her that I would not ask or inquire about the money again, that I trusted her with my life, our kids lives and everything WE have and this money was just another thing WE have.

Ugh. Appeasement and supplication NEVER works (that I've seen), but it's DAMNED sure not a smart move with a woman only one month removed from confirmed infidelity.

It also comes across as a BRIBE to me, esp. the part highlighted in red.

What on earth are you thinking???

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Thanks Puppy -

Well it's only money - if she cuts and runs - well I guess she does - I guess it's the part of me knowing what she really wanted in her life and wanting to make her aware of it. I suppose I'll find out soon how messed up her mind is.

She bails she bails - hasta la vista!

Thanks!

DD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks Puppy -

Well it's only money - if she cuts and runs - well I guess she does . . .

She bails she bails - hasta la vista!

That's pretty cavalier, don'tchathink? Don't you want to give yourself the MAXIMUM CHANCE of success here?

I've never ONCE seen "giving them a boatload of cash," to do with what they want, no-questions-asked, be an effective tactic.

Not only is it not smart for YOU, protection-wise, but I guarantee you that she doesn't respect the move -- in fact, she probably sees it as WEAK and SUPPLICATING at best, and BRIBERY, EXTORTION and CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR at worst.

Puppy

[DangerDave]

Thanks Puppy -

But that shipped has sailed now - can't take it back at this point! So that's where the cavalier attitude is coming from - I don't tend to revisit mistakes and beat myself up over them (if it is one) as that's self destructive as well.

Make a move and see how it plays - like I've read here a thousand times - you will make mistakes - and also try something you have NEVER done before - 180. I'll let everyone here know how it works out naturally, I am a rookie here and absolutely appreciate everyone's advice. You have been a great asset on the A side of this and that seemed to work out very well, hopefully the advice I've gotten here on the newcomers board will prove equally valuable to my R!!

Thanks again,

DD