MLC with a side of infidelity

[goldfiber]

Tell the kids together, but make sure your position is clear to kids. She must own every step of this process. When my wife left in Nov '09, she was in big hurry to get divorce but wanted me to make it easy for her even split the costs. I refused. Fast forward to now, no divorce and now she makes idle threats to try and get me to sign unofficial divorce that she sent me back in march, that she had an attorney fax to me and hadn't been filed with the courts. My attorney told me it was bogus and treat it as if I never received it.

You need to slow this train down. Right now divorce is the only answer she sees. That might change as time moves forward. She wants this you don't. If she insists, just make her do all the work.

Fight for your family.

[goldfiber]

Opt, also do not move out of home or bedroom. Pressure is gonna come from her hard and heavy if she decides to continue on this road. Understand that this Will be the toughest battle you have every faced and your wife and kids are worth every ounce of fight in you.

Very quickly, read up on boundaries as if she doesn't leave but decide to continue A, she gonna push all of your buttons. The quicker you establish boundaries, easier it will be to protect you and the family.

Opt, please for your family and yourself, understand this will not be easy or over quickly. Do not try to fix her, you can't. The more you try to fix, the faster she will put a wall between you and her. Avoid ANY relationship talks, unless it's to talk reconcile, as ANY other talk will be for motivation for her to continue on this path. You see, if there is talk, you will focus on saving M which just pushes her away.
Without saying so, you must let her think by your actions that she is free, that you are not trying to hold on to her. That you are content with her moves.
Right now, you know of her value to you. Your task is to get her to put back her value that she sees in you.

In you believe in the power of prayers, start NOW. If you need help in that area, I would be honored to help.

[Optimust]

I told her this morning that I have responsibilities and obligations and that she also has them. I said she could choose to ignore them but that I was not going to and I would be staying in the house, and she could choose to join me (I didn’t word it quite that well but she got the point).

I think I’m taking 14 yr old camping for a night or two with brother. I will try to hopefully bond a bit with her, and let her know that I’m there for her no matter what happens between her mom and I.

W said that maybe I should talk to 14 yr old about D while gone and then she could when we got back. (no,no,no)ME – “That can not happen, because DD can not feel in any way that either one of us is putting the other down. I cannot tell her you are divorcing me, because she could take that as a moral attack against you. I can not say WE want a D, because WE do not want a D, you need to tell her, and I will be there to confirm YOU want a D or separation.”

I’m also still awaiting/dreading the papers that her lawyer is working on.

We did go to dinner with her dad and step mom, it was pleasant, and nothing came up because DD14 was there. She slept in our bed, even though DD8 was with my B, and her bed was open.

[goldfiber]

Opti, today is not tomorrow. Don't let the unknown drive you. Deal with the papers if and when they show up.

I was so stressed out about when the papers were gonna show, every day checking to see if sheriff was outside my door to deliver them. I had built it up in my mind to be more than what it was. When they finally arrived, I panicked and got all upset until I talked to my A who told me I had nothing to worry about because papers were done incorrectly, that as far as the courts were concerned, nothing had been filed. That wad middle of march of this year. No correct papers have been filed since. If she was so adamant to get D, she would have quickly corrected the error. She hasn't, her delay has allowed me to gain strength and now I can accept whatever she decides to do. Now, I'm detached totally and I am free of her drama.

Slow everything down, stop talking to her, she does not have you or the girls best interest at heart. This is about her. Detaching, IMHO, is the #1 thing you can do for yourself, your family and your marriage. As long as you are detached, you can think clearly and maintain control of you. If I could do this over, I would have taken the advice given to detach sooner.

The more you detach, the more she will spin out of control as part of her plan is to take you on the journey with her.

[Optimust]

So I went to the links posted early on in this thread and followed the DETATCHMENT thread, and will try to incorporate as much as I can.
I've got myself into a super-snooping mode, which I think is hurting my ability to detatch. I guess I justify it now with only the fact that DD's interest is at stake when it comes to the lawyer stuff, and snooping might give me a head's up. Not a real good reason, therefore will be trying to stop all snooping by the end of this week.(unless there is advice countering this)

[Truegritter]

I've got myself into a super-snooping mode, which I think is hurting my ability to detatch.

I am going to tell you that snooping interferes with your detachment.

However you don't need me to tell you this because already have your own way of knowing.

How does it make you feel when you're snooping?

How does it feel when you find something that upsets you?

How long do you want to continue to feel this way?

That is when you understand detachment.

There is no other way through this.

You MUST detach or you will be stuck.

[PEI]

^^^^ yep. What grit said.

PEI

[Optimust]

I do know from 5 years ago when I went through this, that when I finally came to grips with the idea that snooping only hurts me and my ability to get closer to my W, and quit doing it, that I was able to distance/detach the most.

I will probably remove any type of snooping tools I have so as to not be tempted this week. Those feelings I get from some of the stuff I find cuts right to my core, and also discourages me from continuing the proper path to get through this the healthiest way for myself and DD's.

[Optimust]

OM and her are actually talking about getting M? Is this some desperate stretch on thier part to try and make what they have seem more real than the farce of relationship it is?

Looks like she will be giving me D doc's this week at some point, with a friend along for moral support.

And DD14 actually did have interaction/conversation with OM at his son's concert, which is wrong on so many levels.

I'm taking DD14 camping this afternoon.

[goldfiber]

Doesn't matter opti what she does. This could be out there just to bother you. If it's true, there's nothing you can do about it. Keep your focus on you and the kids. She is spinning and if you have not detached, then you will be caught up in every move she makes which will drive you nuts.