if he can't bear the thought of hurting someone else's feelings, why did he hurt me in so many ways?
he felt squeezed like he can't please anybody, this is the worst part about it you try to please everybody and you can't then you are miserable
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why did he give me a blank stare when i told him flat out that his words hurt me?
shame. he tries so hard to please you and everybody(love you in his mind) and you are still hurt. feeds that "snake on a brain" that something is wrong with him. that's why boundaries are so important- his behavior is what bothers you not him as a person. he sees your hurt as a validation that he is bad, unlovable, broken ..... he takes things personally
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i won't be intimate with him if i don't feel that emotional connection or if he hurts me with his words. is that like putting conditions on my love?
no, i think he knows when he hurts you. I have a pretty good radar on how people are feeling comes with being responsible for everybodies feelings.
But he might think if I do this then she will do that. = conditions
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it baffled me as to why he would want to be with them despite all of those things they've done to him
I joined the military and moved halfway across the country to get away. I understand the paradox. I also know what is healthy for me now.
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i just needed to know that i was important to him. i never felt important to him so i didn't love what he loved (ie. his parents).
That's the worst part, he doesn't think he is important so he struggles to make you feel important. The shame makes you not want to let people see inside of you. He might be shielding your from his parents.
All of this is from my perpsective. I knew that I had problems and it came from my FOO. I never had to the tools to effectively deal with the issues. I searched, read, prayed and so wanted to feel better. Almost losing my family and my wife made me really focus on changing my thoughts, actions and feelings.
I am offering this to you to help you have some compassion and empathy for your H. Took me 40+ yrs to let it go and let myself become responsible for my happiness and no one elses. I have to be aware of what triggers the snakes and how to quiet them.
How was the sushi?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
