Year 3: The Long and Winding Road

[Gardener]

wii,

...I put the hamster in the ground and began filling in the hole and STBX says "after all the work I did on this lawn, now it's a mess"

How awful.

D16 says "Mommy, is this really an appropriate time, could you maybe say this stuff later"

Sounds like that's one helluva fine young woman you're raising there, wii.

...I drove D to her gymnastics and felt so bad...

You have nothing to feel bad about, wiii. You are doing the absolute best you can under very trying financial - and other - pressures.,

I picked up D16 who after saying goodbye to her mom said to me in the car Daddy, don't ever worry about me having kids, I'm not having any. I don't want to take any chances of turning out like her (STBX)" STBX had been nagging and bitching since I'd left. Jsut for the record, I don't disagree with the things she was bringing up but STBX does so by being in your face and going on and on endlessly..."thank goodness you don't repeat yourself like she does"

Now, this is what my D13 says to me "Daddy, don't worry about it, it's a lot of money, maybe I can go next year but, ya know, I'm still gonna have fun this summer, I have my gymnastics training. It's OK, don't feel bad""

Sounds like that's two remakably fine young women you're raising there, wii.

Happy Father's Day Whatis! You deserve it! You'r a damn good Dad.

[whatisis]

Thanks so much, Gardener. I know I'm doing the best I can but when you have to take something away from your kids it hurts. But, finances are a reality too. I don't have a house which is building equity like STBX, I have a decent sized bank account from the separation which dwindles every month due to expenses, most of which can't be helped. Did I mention I had a $600 car repair last month too? Anyway, my D13 is just incredible. I've never seen a kid who can just feel her pain and then move on. She always looks at the bright side of all situations. When something hurts, like her hamster dying, she cries and feels her pain but moves on. She's always been like that, so what she said to me about the summer camp was just her being herself. Last week her gymnastics coach suggested she get a massage for her lower back. STBX set up the massage but when D13 heard it would cost us $80 she didn't want to have it. I told her that mom's benefit plan would help cover some of the cost so she went.
Well, tonight STBX took me, the kids and my parents out for Father's Day dinner. We had a nice meal at a Shanghai restaurant I suggested. She gave me a nice Father's Day card also. And just to be fair here, her comment re: the hamster messing up her yard was meant as a humorous comment, not a mean one but it was just rather inappropriate for the moment which D16 pointed out to her.

[ImprovedRomeo]

wii, glad you had a good father's day with the family. I agree with G about your kids!

Sorry to hear that the camp issue made you sad to the point of tearing up, it's understandble. Finances are tough especially when things used to be much easier/better in the past. However, there are some things that are more important than others and as parents we have the responsibility to put the money towards things that are more important and to find a balance between fun, education, life etc.

[NoLongerHere]

STBX says "after all the work I did on this lawn, now it's a mess" and I replied sarcastically "that darn hamster had to go and die and ruin all your work" D16 says "Mommy, is this really an appropriate time, could you maybe say this stuff later" and STBX says "I think it's an appropriate time"

Good god.

I agree with the others - you've got some great kids. And it sounds like they know you're a great dad. Happy Father's Day Wii!

[BeingMe]

"In my life I've learned to thank the people who have been harshest with me" I thought, "I guess that's why you dumped my ass, I tried to be loving!"

Gosh! What a strange thing for her to say ... not a good life lesson for children. Who thanks people who are harshest with you, like thanking your abuser in a way. What you thought was so funny, but sad at the same time.

Happy Father's Day!

[whatisis]

Thanks folks! We actually had a really nice family time last night. I drove STBX back to her place and we were all laughing and talking about family memories e.g.'s the kids first day of school, their favourite stuffed animals etc. When we pulled into the driveway STBX got out and said to D16 "give me your head" and D16 says "No, that scares me!" STBX reached in a took hold of her head and began covering her with kisses. They were both laughing and giggling. It was a nice end to the evening. I always see that when we're out together as a family the kids are so happy and alive. We all feel bonded and like a family. It's sad that this is only once in a while but what is is! It would not be good to make it too frequent. Also, regarding the camp D13 cn't go to, I think it's good for STBX to see that there are consequences to separation. Life is not just as it was on all levels. Splitting up a family causes some hardship. The fact that I won't go away for the week with them in August is another lesson for her. WE always went away to the cottage as a family and now she will have to experience that without the whole family. That's what ditching your husband gets you. Anyway, it's work time, gotta go!

[Gardener]

wii,
I'm glad you had a good Fathers' Day, friend

It was a nice end to the evening. I always see that when we're out together as a family the kids are so happy and alive. We all feel bonded and like a family. It's sad that this is only once in a while but what is is! It would not be good to make it too frequent.

I agree. Kids are susceptible to mixed messages and, even worse, the false hopes these messages might create in them.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Exactly wii. The kids love it when they see the parents together. It breaks my heart when DD says to me 'Daddy you know why it would be cool if mommy lived with us...' She wants us to live together as a family and she does what's in her power by saying cute things like that or whatever else she can do including tantrums when one of us has to take her to our places.

It sucks. And I'm all for making the WAS see the consequences but sh!t it's the kids that are paying the price not them. But again, what can you do? you just do what you can to be the best parent you can be for the kids and know that the kids will be OK. They adapt, they learn...doesn't make it 100% fine but it's what've got to work with.

[whatisis]

My kids have lived with this reality for 2 1/2 years, Romeo. They're used to the drill. But when we are together as a family, going out together I can feel their joy as they become bubbly, happy and well, you just know. I am thankful that we are still a family that can do these things sometimes. I've always made sure I did not give any false hope, as much for me as for them! I don't spend time at STBX's or phone her to chat etc. I don't rely on her for emotional or any other kind of support and to her credit she does not expect that from me. I did joke not to long ago about getting re-married and D16 said "Daddy, I don't want you to re-marry". That hit a heartstring for me! I guess I'll have to wait for them to bring me that men's hair dye and say "Dad, it's time. You'd be a good catch for someone" but, at the rate I'm going, they might be bringing me Depends instead! LOL

[whatisis]

I spoke with my brother last night, he's got the M from hell therefore we have a lot in common! His wife has cheated on him and that's about the most normal thing she's done! As a professional in the mental health field I will just state "she has some serious issues". Anyway, my brother has been very friendly with a lady at work, they confide in each other and ...you know where this is going, don't you! Well, last night she suggested they go back to her place and do the wild thing. Brother said NO. He called me because he was feeling like a jerk who should have gone. I said "you did the right thing, you're involved in a present R as sh!tty a sitch as it is and until that is done you are not being fair to her or yourself" I further said "You're thinking about leaving and leaving is an emotionally difficult time, you do not need another situation to deal with while you're doing this" ..."If she is the woman you think she is she will understand that and give you the space you need"..."What about your son, would you want him to find out that Dad is banging another woman behind his mom's back, regardless of what W is doing. You're an honourable man, keep it that way".
Do I ever know what it feels like to share time and confidences with an amazing woman at the wrong time! I told brother "you feel like a man, you're being validated and that's pretty powerful stuff when you've been living with squat for years but don't let you're hormones do your thinking"
He told me he was relieved to hear me say these things because he really liked this person and wished he'd met her years ago but he told her this was not the time, it would be unfair to everyone involved. I said "see you are a honourable man!" He said "Yes, but it would have been so nice to mess up my life all by myself, for years wife has been doing it for me!" LOL
Did I give him good advice? I know a lot of people would have said "do her, your M is done, you deserve a little love" but, for some reason, my family has raised men who believe in doing what's right...and how that sucks sometimes!