WAH and LBW separated and dark

[Coach]

Let me help you get in the mind of a co-dependent. They are so concerned with how otheres see them and not hurting any elses feelings they let other people cross boundaries in their world.

he tried hard to make the house look nice for his parents.

looking for their acceptance and approval, their love is conditional - if you loved me then you would do this for me.

when he says that if he ever died, all he could think about was his poor parents

he thinks he is responsible for all of their feelings, terrible burden.

because how people perceive him is something that is common in their family.
he badly dented his car once and when we went to the auto body shop to get it fixed, he asked me if he could tell them that i put the end in the car.
he didn't want to look like an idiot.
when it comes to negotiating the price for a car, he usually sends me in to negotiate because he doesn't want the sales guy to think he's cheap.
he doesn't want to do anything that makes him look bad.
he's afraid to do things that might make him look stupid.
they won't hang up on telemarketers for fear of looking rude.

The real reason is because he can't reject someone else. He knows how much that hurts and can't bear the thought of hurting someone else's feelings. He doesn't want to be responsible for their hurt.

He also has a hard time thinking he deserves anything done for him. Having love doled out with conditions makes you feel shame about who you are, there is something wrong with me and I must make it up. So talking to the auto repair guy makes him feel vunerable.

I am not excusing his behavior and I understand how it makes you feel. I just am trying to help you see things from his perspective. His parents have wounded him deeply, deep down he feels unlovable and is very angry at them.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was to "love myself" first. (Love your neighbor as yourself.) You can't fix your H but you can model healthy behavior, be aware of the triggers for him and love yourself.

Cheers