Coach, I really appreciate the feedback, but can you expand on that a little bit? Ignoring her feelings? Ignoring her desire to talk? I feel a little guilty for not seeking her out and saying, "I got your email. What do you want to talk about?"
You are right in that her inability to express herself is her problem. BIG time.
The part I am having a hard time swallowing is the last line. Ignore the gorilla and keep being loving. She is the one who refuses to work on the M, but wants all of the help and support from me on a day-to-day basis. I can't distance myself b/c I will be distancing myself from my C as well. I have to be there for them.
I also feel that by ignoring I am showing weakness. As if I can't face a hard conversation, and by avoiding it she is keeping control. She probably knows that what she wants to say will hurt me and she has always said she doesn't want to hurt me.
This morning it was like nothing ever happened. She was in good spirits, we gave the boys breakfast and took them outside to play. She didn't seem angry or stressed out that we didn't talk. The reality is that my W is a good actress in front of the kids. I don't know how she does it sometimes. She can let go of all hostility and act like there is nothing going on.
You didn't ignore her feelings you stood up to them and didn't let her testing you rattle you in front of her. You having fun with your kids instead of moping and waiting around for her to "talk" showed confidence to her.
Follow her actions not her words. Do what works. Women and men think, feel and act differently. Learn the differences.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, I know what you mean, but part of me feels like I didn't stand up to her feelings, I instead avoided them. I did have fun with my kids, it was after they were in bed when the intensity amped up.
I agree with listening to actions and not words. If she wants to talk she will start a conversation and I will acknowledge her feelings, tell her that I know she has no interest in working on our problems and I will not fight her on that anymore.
The place where I will stand firm is when discussing the future of our kids. What might a schedule look like if I agree to a trial S? How can we minimize the inevitable damage that will be caused? My W will have to know that life will be VERY different after a S. I will not leave until we have worked something out that is in the best interests of the kids and we lower their anxieties.
You don't leave ever. She wants to seperate or divorce then she can go. Let her put on the BGPs.
What can you do fun for yourself this weekend?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
This is a topic I don't have clarity on. My DB coach advised me to "drop the rope" and acknowledge her feelings and tell her that I accept that she doesn't want to work on the M and shift the conversation to the kids and making sure we have a plan for them post-separation. The point was to give in to her stress and make her feel like she won a major battle.
I was told that it will allow us to communicate about something that is easy for us (kids). And it buys me time. But if we start talking about how to minimize damage with the kids how does that mean that I am not leaving?? Sorry I sound so confused. I was told that it might take a S for my W to see what she is losing.
If your wife wants a seperation then she is the one to leave the house.
Agree with your wife, let her win the battle. "I agree wife, this marriage it is isn't working for me either."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
OK. So I agree the she doesn't want to be together anymore, I don't think it's working for me either, let's talk about how to minimize damage for the kids' sake, but I am not agreeing to leave??
My coach also said by buying time it will keep us talking, and that I should also say that I need time to think about this and do some research and reading about the inevitable damage we'd be doing to our kids. I understand the part about elimitating the feeling that I don't get her feelings and the assoc. stress. It's once I do that when I get confused.
The house is in my W's name. I can say I have every right to live with my children and I am not abandoning my kids, but it's technically her house.
Boys gave me a shirt and a card for Father's Day. W seems to be in a pissy mood. She was nice in the AM when they gave me my card and gift, then she offered me toast, then slowly started to get a little nasty and distant.
I think I am taking my boys out alone today to visit family.
I was thinking about taking the kids and leaving yesterday to visit family, but with the heat outside I didn't want to chase them around in the 90+ heat alone, so I stuck with my family. We visited some of the W's family, we played a bit outside, and I even tried to launch a kite in our backyard with my W's help and we had a really good laugh while trying to launch it.
While at my W's sister's house, my son fell and gave himself a fat lip. I picked him up while my W tried to put water on it. He was crying and refused to be touched. My W finally shouted, "Can I PLEEEEASE hold him!!!?" I gave him up and walked away from the chaos over very little. We had another confrontation when one of my son's drank out of his cousin's bottle because my bro-in-law said it belonged to my S. My W said, "That's not his bottle!," to which I replied in a firm voice, "I didn't know. [Bro-in-law] said it was his, so I gave it to him. I did not know. I am sorry." I wasn't backing down over something so trivial.
This morning was normal, and my W asked if I wanted to pick up some household supplies on my way home from W. Lately she hasn't asked me to do anything, rather doing it herself. This time she asked if I "want" to do it. When we went to her sis' house she asked if I wanted to go. Little considerations.
I also tweaked my ankle playing with the kids and it swelled up last night making it very hard to walk. She was helpful whenever she saw me struggling. She's not evil. I went out to get food, and she told me to take her SUV b/c my BMW is a stick. I refused and took my own car.
W and I had dinner last night after kids went to bed.
I dunno. It wasn't as awful as I expected. There were a few signs where she depended on me and didn't cut me out. As all advisors had told me: listen to actions, not words.
I still expect her to revisit her feelings of wanting a S, but at least for the past 24 hrs. she let it lie.
After I nixed seeing a "neutral" T my W woke up this morning and said to me, "Are you still seeing [your therapist]?" I said, "Yes." Then she said, "Do you still want to to call the other T?" I said, "Do you want to see her?" My W said she thought she was a "flake." I responded with "I didn't care for her much and I didn't like the way she spoke to me." My W used my words and said, "She doesn't have any time for us."
I feel like my wife doesn't like being idle. She probably wants to see SOMEONE, and I found it interesting that she asked if I am still seeing my therapist. If she would see my T with me, my T gives us the best chance at survival.
My T also thinks its a good idea for me to be around her family so that they see me with the kids and how much I love them. It would contradict anything negative she might say to any of them.
Last night wasn't so bad. I ran a bunch of errands and then, after we ate Chinese take out, she handed me her leftovers to put in the fridge. Small, but a gesture she has NEVER done before. She usually took care of her own stuff and checked out.
I dunno. Again, actions give me little hopeful signs. Words...well...
