reconciliation after divorce?

[v1olin]

Congrats and good luck!

[Piano]

Good luck! I am very pleased things are taking a turn for the better in your sitch!

[dday101798]

uncertain what the future holds.

Very simple, nothing the from the past.

[any chance?]

uncertain what the future holds.

Very simple, nothing the from the past.

If only it were so...

W is on a trip to see an old girlfriend. Talked to her yesterday and she said the trip was a great idea. Got an email this AM in which she tells me she cannot forgive my 5 year old PA, and is obsessed by it. As if nothing else matters. DDay had told me that she needs to vent her pain, and that I understand. Neither her recent EA/PA nor my old PA are the root cause, they are just symptoms. I need to help her get over her obsession and focus on establishing a new, forward moving relationship. If only I knew how....

I have been told to expect bad days and backwards steps. I assume I can do nothing but support her and be strong and confident in our future. Am I right about this?

[dday101798]

Got an email this AM in which she tells me she cannot forgive my 5 year old PA, and is obsessed by it.

"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself"

[Abbey]

[quote=dday101798]
I have been told to expect bad days and backwards steps. I assume I can do nothing but support her and be strong and confident in our future. Am I right about this?

Yep. Even after we moved back in together, my H pulled a hissy fit one night because I mentioned in passing that there where other people who were hurt by the cyclone of events that were the melt down of our marriage. Because that happened to include a guy that was wrongly accused of having an affair with me, ... he had quite the hissy. Wounds run deep. Even know, I have a hard time forgetting what has happened between us. Reconsiling is really only the first step. The dc phil approach to affairs makes sense. Your job about making her secure stops when SHE no longer needs it. You stop paying for that sin when SHEEEEEE no longer needs reassurance. Approach it that way and you'll have a greater expectation of success.

Abbey

[any chance?]

Thanks, Abbey. Guess it is all about time and patience, probably lots of both. I do need to get beyond the point where I assume she is going to walk back out whenever she has a set back or a sleepless night. Kind of walking on eggshells during what is hopefully a transition zone. I need to find solid ground where we can both work on moving our R forward. Right now the ground under my feet feels very, very mushy and unstable.....

[any chance?]

Thanks, newmama. Got some good insight from the website you suggested - thanks for your thoughts.

W and I are headed to MC this week. We are gingerly approaching moving forward. W thinks there is too much baggage, too much has gone on. She does not know how to trust, meaning me, herself, our relationship. She is very up and down. She just had a good 10 day vacation visiting an old friend, and is afraid of a downward spiral now that she is back here. She seems committed to trying to get our R back on track, and we both need to focus on that goal. Cautiously optimistic.....

[dday101798]

Ok, look at this way on the baggage statement.

Say you went on a vacation and the lane crashed and burned horribly but you both suvrived with what you had in your possesion, pretty much nothing. After several weeks of being at home and trying to clear your mind of the tragic incodent, the airline calls and says "Mr. Any Chance, this Slam to the Ground Airlines calling, we have recovered your bags from the wreck, they are fairly charred and torn, shall we forward them on to you?".

I don't know about you, but I'd tell em to forget it. No?

When you go to MC this week, I would bring these issues of trust in each other and where the relationship has been in the past up for discussion. You both need closure. And that closure is what will set you both free from that charred up baggage.

[FindingMyVoice]

Hi AC, just wanted to check in on your sitch, see how you're doing. It's so good to hear that you're moving forward; cautious optimism is still optimism! Remember those baby steps. I can appreciate her fear of a downward spiral, I'm guessing you feel the same. How have things been between you both this week?