He's Loving the Freedom of the 180 - Now What?

[Seeing Red]

SR - I'm SO happy things are looking up for you.

Thanks!

Our families had become good friends, socialized together and even vacationed together.

I am SO sorry! I can only imagine the double betrayal.

I tried everything, Mort Fertel, etc., but I think the difference is that he'd already made up his mind and had given himself permission to pursue OW and no matter what I did it it didn't change his mind.

The "Point of No Return" that Larry talks about. But has he reached The Snap Line?

BTW, OW had an affair 5 years ago with another neighbor who is now divorced. However, my WH says that affair happened because she was just lonely but that her relationship with him is the real thing because they are soulmates and are so compatible, been through the ringer together, her bad marriage, her affair with the neighbor, her starting a new business, etc.

'Just lonely', 'the 'real thing', 'soul mates'. Gag me! Wonder how much of this script is verbatim from her first marriage-destroying mission? I mean affair.

HER bad marriage, HER affair, HER new business - so, it's all about HER, is? Wow, she's sure got your WH buffaloed! Bet she's a chaos kid. Or in need of medication.

Stats say only 1% of relationships that begin as affairs survive. This has 99% written all over it. OW sounds VERY selfish and self-centered. Having problems in your marriage? Don't go to counseling, just start wreaking havoc on the neighbors' marriages instead! There's a special place in hell for people like this. I predict that as soon as your WH looks the other way for 5 minutes, she's outta there. So, so sad.

I made mistakes, but I NEVER broke my vows and never stopped loving him. Pile on top of that the fact that he's a chaos kid and what a mess. As Larry told me, whether it was D (OW) or someone else, WH was programmed for this to happen. His father cheated on his mother and that's what he learned - Your wife is an annoyance, so do your own thing.

I hear you!

Larry was surprised my WH lasted as long as he did without straying, given the infidelity that grows like a vine through both sides of his family tree. His parents were separated when we got married, and each brought their then-lover with them to the wedding. All four of them stood in the front pew of the groom's side of the church, staring daggers at each other, while my family stood there watching with their jaws on the floor. That was the day I entered the "Twilight Zone" - WH family style. Some of the drama I've seen from the sidelines over the years makes JR Ewing and Alexis Carrington look like pussycats.

My mother - a chaos kid, the only one in our family tree - tried to warn me THEN. She didn't like my MIL, said my FIL was smarmy, and she warned me there would be problems with WH down the road. I didn't believe her. Wished I had. She knew what she was talking about. As Larry asked, "Would you still have married him if you knew then what you know now?" I doubt it. But when you're in love, no one can tell you anything...

I struggle now with how to treat him. If I'm nice I feel he may think I approve of his choice.

I understand. Divorce-busting and doing a 180 is all about pulling back and letting them know what life is like without you. No approval, no encouragement.

Larry's technique calls for distancing with kindess, to let them know that you're NOT under their thumb, but you're also not a b*tch. The goal is short and sweet, so they begin to associate that with you - sweetness. No Freddy to feed on.

On many occasions, I've told him that he acts like I'm supposed to be happy that he's no longer in love with me and that he's found someone else, huh?

That's his Freddy talking -- if YOU have someone new, that makes his leaving that much easier. Don't believe him.

When my WH moved to the basement, he told me he wouldn't be jealous if I found someone new. His actions contradict that. Whenever we're in a group of people and I'm talking to a man, WH appears at my side to see what's going on.

It's all part of the fantasy - and the reality. If I have someone new and you have someone new, nobody gets hurt, right? On the other hand, if my new someone doesn't work out and you already have someone new -- wait! Where's that leave me?! No, better for me to keep my options open with two...

He's of the mindset that our relationship failed, but we had a lot of good years together and we both deserve to be "happy". If he stayed for the kids, we'd be modeling to them a "loveless" marriage. If he thought he could get "it" back, he would stay, but he doesn't see how to get "it" back. Well, that's because you gave "it" away when you broke your vows. Our kids will be fine as long as we stay friends and love each other. He still loves me and wants to be my good friend and help me in any way he can - he's just doesn't feel any passion for me.

Justification, justification, justification.

My husband was a MESS when his father left when he was 15. He HATED him. He blamed his mother for running him off. I can't tell you how much sh*t I've had to listen to and deal with over the years from both WH and MIL because FIL wouldn't "man up" and be responsible.

So what happens the instant WH finds a willing playmate and decides to run off and follow in his cheating father's footsteps? "Oh, it wasn't so bad. The kids will survive. They'll get over it."

REALLY? Like HE did, still lamenting the loss 30 YEARS later?

AMNESIA. FOG. ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.

THAT'S why I'm fighting SO hard. I REFUSE to put my children through that if I can possibly avoid it. Between holding my BFF's hand when her parents divorced, remarried, and divorced again (when we were 12, 15, and 19), to watching my husband try to grow to manhood and be a good husband and father without any guidance whatsoever, I'm determined to go down fighting. I'm determined to break the cycle of WAH that has plagued my WH paternal family since the Civil War. MY son will NOT do that if I can prevent it.

I can't believe that my DDs would EVER accept this. They liked the OW in the capacity in which they knew her before. Her now being WH's lover couldn't possibly go over well, could it?

No, it won't. Kids want stability. They want Mommy and Daddy together. DD 12 in particular will be HORRIFIED and probably lose all respect for her father. If she's close to you but not to him and sees how much he's hurt you, it will end any civil relationship between them forever. She will never accept OW.

I know that sounds grim, but I've seen it SO many times. And step-siblings? They only get along well on sitcoms.

I'm tying to stay Freddy free and on the wave.

Girl, you must be black stamping EVERYTHING! I know it can't be easy. Calm, safe, secure...serenity now! You need to continue to do this, if only to give yourself peace of mind and bolster your self esteem.

Sometimes I think I'm crazy that I think this whole situation is immoral.

Sounds like my story! My WH runs around, OW benefits from cozying up the boss, the university disregards its own rules regarding prof/student liasons...and I get ARRESTED for objecting?

It's like Allen says - there ought to be a law against 3rd parties encroaching on a marriage. If they broke into your house, they'd be arrested. Why aren't they liable for breaking into your marriage? It's okay for OW to accept lingerie from my WH and text him at 3 am, but it's NOT ok for me to write a nasty email exposing she did those things?

No, you're not crazy for thinking it's immoral. EVERYONE ELSE is for thinking it's not!

It's too hard to work at it. I'd much rather start all over again and ruin my kids than stay and make it work.

I just have to figure out how to treat him and get on with my life but keep my goal alive for reconciliation some day. It is more challenging to keep the desire to stay committed as an EC in the face of a separated WH.

Ultimately, you have to decide what your limits are, how much you're willing to take for 'the team'.

What I've discovered from our in-house separation is that I don't need him. There was a time in my life when I didn't think I could breathe without him by my side, but he's destroyed all that. He's given me every reason to walk away and start over. It's certainly an option.

I'm spending more time on my business, more time with our kids, and even told Larry that if it weren't for my scheduled love movies throughout the day and my posting here, I wouldn't think of him much at all. Because the man in the love movies ISN'T the one living in basement (although he started to peek out over the weekend). If I can't have THAT guy, I don't want this one. I want love, romance, intimacy and EXCLUSIVITY. If he can't give it to me, then NEXT!

Larry laughed and said WH is feeling that vibe. I've taken the pressure off by distancing myself and getting a life, and now he's rethinking his options. I'm giving him all the time he wants with OW, which he took full advantage of early on in the separation, but has now grown steadily less. It's not nearly as fun trying to outwit the "stupid" wife when she's enjoyable to be around, knows full well what he's up to, but doesn't seem to give a damn.

What's more, OW can't withstand the pressure. She's been using him, thought he was safely married, and now that she's the cause of its collapse and he's looking to her for support, she can't get out of here fast enough. But like Allen said in an earlier post, she doesn't want to burn those bridges.

That's ok. I've got a torch. I'll burn them for her once she's gone.

I don't know if this is a MLC, but I will check out that thread you mentioned. Thanks.

I don't know if it is either, but WhatNow gives good advice. I think you'll like her.