The beauty of all life's paths....We know where we came from, though we never know where we are going to end up.
Change your path and live for DBS again....maybe your path will meet up with your wife again or maybe not...either way it is time to choose your own path.
And yes...I was helping my wife look for apartments, etc.....I was ready to move on. That is the underlying theme of DB'ing....YOU are ready to move on without hate or resentment. Acceptance that path A is no longer valid and it is time for plan X.
Getting back together with my wife WAS plan B. : )
Booyah! Glad to see this. Very glad. This is where I'm at right this moment & was starting to feel guilty for not feeling guilty. kwim? lol It doesn't matter what H does or feels, I know my life will be really good, regardless of how this ends. I'm ready to be happy.
Hey Dbs, I read the part about your W being molested as a little girl & I wanted to shed a little light. I know you can't even suggest this to her, but just so you know for any future offers of intimacy...
She is going to need some serious help to get over this. I know, "duh", right? But really--right now in her mind, everything she relates to sexual intimacy is so very twisted. Sex=emotional torture. A man who wants sex from her, even though they cherish and love her and it's not just a physical act, he is still just going to hurt her. Maybe not every time--but eventually he will hurt her.
It's the equation. It's the rule. Period. And as much as part of her wants to believe that it's different, there will always be that little girl inside her head screaming for him to stop.
You did nothing wrong, I promise. Like I said, it's just really twisted in her brain. She is going to need real help getting over that or she will spend the rest of her life in this cycle.
I don't care if she says she is fine, she's not. You think DBing is hard work? Working through this is just infinitely more difficult. Trust me.
I just wanted to make a point that her history of abuse is most likely playing more of a role than even she knows right now.
I'm so sorry for her...my heart breaks for both of you. This is a lot to deal with.
(((hugs)))
shel
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
I DO know what a large part her history of sexual abuse plays in her head. Every mc we have ever talked with has suggested she work on it and she has refused. A few months ago when I came to grips with what would probably happen, I basically said to hell with apoligizing for loving her or making love to her, and told her so after a very fun night started by her, then a call the following day to chew me out, and I've stayed with that theme. No more ass kissing from me, unless it's a clear screw up on my part.
She recently admitted that SHE had a problem with men and was getting counseling for it. That's a positive.
This weekend our youngest D had her 1st baby and we both were there. The conversation came up about how different these will be when the D is final. SHE THEN OFFERED TO CALL OFF THE D, BUT WAS NOT READY FOR ME TO MOVE BACK IN (it's only 175 miles away). I let her know that really considering what we were doing was wise, but no way should we call off the D right now.
Ok folks-Plan A for me right now is a D. Plan B is getting back together. WTH now? At this point I see zero changes from her that tell me I would not come home again at some point to find all her stuff and her gone again.
So all you plan A folks who got slipped over to plan B like this...what helped you to reconsider? I am VERY hesitant to take another chance. I seriously doubt she has learned anything and won't learn the lessons for HER unless she's got a D and been on the other side of it long enough to see all the negatives. So????????????????????????
Those who have been through this, give me some insight. Remember, last time this happened I heard how I had talked HER back into the M. That damn sure is not going to be the program this time. Ideas?
Presumably you reach your decision point as a result of an incredible amount of reflection and honesty. You've considered the past and the present, and done some mental extrapolation to the future. You've been honest with yourself about who you are, who she is, and what you had or didn't have together.
If all it takes from your wife is a statement that she is willing to call off the divorce to cause you to change your decision point, I would submit that you haven't truly reached a decision point as I described above.
More likely you've reached a decision out of pain or frustration or something similar. You are REacting to the situation instead of making a genuine, thought out decision.
I've followed along with you dbs, and your track record is to get pissed at your wife and the pain she has brought to all of you, and then eventually to give in to the slightest positive sign you get.
You are, or have been, a classic enabler for your wife. And your last post sounds like you're moving in that same direction again.
If you had truly reached the point where you were done, where you were prepared for the reality of divorce, your wife would have to almost literally move mountains in her personal changes to get you to change your mind.
Sounds to me like you're ready to change your mind right now. Fact is you're already thinking of reasons to legitimize a decision to do just that.
Think about this.
This woman is severely wounded and she has done absolutely nothing to find healing.
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 06/21/1002:53 PM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I do NOT agree that your wife is one who NEEDS a divorce in order to straighten herself out.
From what you've shared, your wife is like a fart in the wind. She bounces from one emotional state to another. My guess is that a divorce from her will not change much in how she interacts with you. The two of you have had WAY too long to establish the dependency relationship you both have with one another.
I'm thinking divorce for your wife is very much like a fries or cole slaw decision.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
