My WH moved out just as I finished the course. My situation does vary some from yours. My WH and married neighbor (former friend) started getting too close, without my knowledge or OW's H knowledge, probably 4 years ago and then he really "committed" to her (an EA) about a year and a half ago. OW had marriage probs and you know that rest of the story. Our families had become good friends, socialized together and even vacationed together.
OW left last summer and divorce to be final in July. My WH almost left when she did, but didn't want to make a mistake. So he "hung" in there and went for "therapy", but he never gave her up. I tried everything, Mort Fertel, etc., but I think the difference is that he'd already made up his mind and had given himself permission to pursue OW and no matter what I did it it didn't change his mind. He acknowledged that I'd made changes, but said basically it was too little, too late.
BTW, OW had an affair 5 years ago with another neighbor who is now divorced. However, my WH says that affair happened because she was just lonely but that her relationship with him is the real thing because they are soulmates and are so compatible, been through the ringer together, her bad marriage, her affair with the neighbor, her starting a new business, etc.
WH says we don't "dance" well together, we're not really compatible, I emotionally abandoned him about 5 years ago (I had a newborn at the time), he was just lonely, didn't mean to hurt me, blah, blah, blah. Pure textbook, you've heard it all before. I put him at the bottom of the pile. Similar to you in that we weren't working on us the way we should have been. I made mistakes, but I NEVER broke my vows and never stopped loving him. Pile on top of that the fact that he's a chaos kid and what a mess. As Larry told me, whether it was D (OW) or someone else, WH was programmed for this to happen. His father cheated on his mother and that's what he learned - Your wife is an annoyance, so do your own thing.
I struggle now with how to treat him. If I'm nice I feel he may think I approve of his choice. On many occasions, I've told him that he acts like I'm supposed to be happy that he's no longer in love with me and that he's found someone else, huh?
He's of the mindset that our relationship failed, but we had a lot of good years together and we both deserve to be "happy". If he stayed for the kids, we'd be modeling to them a "loveless" marriage. If he thought he could get "it" back, he would stay, but he doesn't see how to get "it" back. Well, that's because you gave "it" away when you broke your vows. Our kids will be fine as long as we stay friends and love each other. He still loves me and wants to be my good friend and help me in any way he can - he's just doesn't feel any passion for me.
So, I trying the cordial, but distant approach. I try to reach out more when "D" is around, but right now I would say that the person I see 99% of the time is C. So far the kids (her two) and mine don't know about them. I know it's coming. This weekend he met OW for dinner at Chic-Fil-A to pick up OW's DD. She's friends with my older DD. I discourage any connection with her, but he doesn't. He claims he's not going to introduce "them" any time soon, but I guess it's already begun. I can't believe that my DDs would EVER accept this. They liked the OW in the capacity in which they knew her before. Her now being WH's lover couldn't possibly go over well, could it? I didn't say much about this rendevous as I decided there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm tying to stay Freddy free and on the wave.
Sometimes I think I'm crazy that I think this whole situation is immoral. Sadly my situation is so common, it's tragic. When does a person face consequences for their actions? Society is too much of the it's all about me and my personal happiness. Give me the pill that fixes everything. It's too hard to work at it. I'd much rather start all over again and ruin my kids than stay and make it work.
Ok, enough of my soapbox as I know I'm preaching to the choir here. I just have to figure out how to treat him and get on with my life but keep my goal alive for reconciliation some day. It is more challenging to keep the desire to stay committed as an EC in the face of a separated WH.
I don't know if this is a MLC, but I will check out that thread you mentioned. Thanks.
-------------------------- Me - 47 WH - 47 DD - 12 DD - 5 Married 23.5 years Together 27 years Separated - 4/17/10 OW - 46 EA and now PA affair started: 1/09/09
--------------------------------- M 47, H 47 DD 5, DD 12 Married 23.5 years, T 27 years Separated 4/17/10 EA/PA - started probably about 3 years ago
