Completely Blindsided

[blind]

As much as I hated dark UK winter and thought I'll never miss it there, I'm thrown back to the memories... after watching the 80yr old Scottish lady on Britain's got talent (Youtube).
Brought it all back and I'm feeling a bit down again :-(

Maybe it's the grass is greener thing...

I know what you mean about small strange things making you miss the place. There have been a few triggers that have made me miss it.

...I guess that's wrong, it's not the place I miss, it's the moment in time. I wouldn't want to go back and live in the UK, but I would go back to where I was when I was there.

I'm changing and improving every day, but there are parts of that life that I really miss.

[fullmoon]

I think you are doing really well B... in the beginning you were in 'what's she thinking' full mode but I can see that you're changing. So give yourself a pat, if you're too hard on yourself the negative cycle will bite you (remember the white dog)

It's true what you said, it's the moment that you miss and not the place. And I tend to make the past more beautiful in memory than how it actually was. Puts it all in perspective... I will remind myself of that.

I talked to someone who knows both of us quite well and was advised to move on... it's just unhealthy. So I'm thinking of nc all the way.
After all, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[blind]

I think you are doing really well B... in the beginning you were in 'what's she thinking' full mode but I can see that you're changing. So give yourself a pat, if you're too hard on yourself the negative cycle will bite you (remember the white dog)

I'm trying to change... I'm trying not to let the negative win. It's been a pretty rough week, so I feel like I've slipped a couple of times, but I am definitely trying.

I'm still spinning occassionally back onto "What's she thinking?" mode, but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never know.

It's true what you said, it's the moment that you miss and not the place. And I tend to make the past more beautiful in memory than how it actually was. Puts it all in perspective... I will remind myself of that.

I talked to someone who knows both of us quite well and was advised to move on... it's just unhealthy. So I'm thinking of nc all the way.
After all, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

NC is going to be a rough thing to keep up with, but I think you're right. If he needs to learn in order for you to have a relationship at all, then it's not something you can teach him, its something he needs to figure out himself.

I'm sat at work with a heachache from the new pills and a hip that I pulled a bit hard last night... so feeling a little sorry for myself today... but then it's another driving lesson tonight, so there's no time to wallow... plus I've got someone waiting on a script, so I REALLY need to find a way to do some writing work tonight.

Got to live like life is normal and eventually it will be, right?

[blind]

So... she called on Wednesday, and it's now Monday. I feel like I should be writing her an email soon... but I've got NO IDEA how to strike up that conversation.

I don't ever really want to reference the phone call, because that would be drifting dangerously close to relationship talk.

... so how do I phrase it? How do I start the conversation?... any thoughts/advice?

[fullmoon]

How about starting it with... "it was nice talking to you the other day"
then write briefly about what you've been doing, ending it with a question like 'how is the football frenzy over there?'

Unless she hates watching the world cup!

[blind]

Hargh,

Why am I putting myself through this??

I sent the email... kept it light an breezy... but I didn't check the address that gmail auto filled, and so it went to her work account. I forwarded it on to her private one, but got an 'out of office' message from her work one saying she's on leave till later in the week.... the whole "not knowing" thing just hit me... I don't know where she is, what she's doing, who she's talking to...

Damn I hate this. Now I'm stuck sat with my imagination.

[blind]

...and I have the best co-workers in the world.

She saw that I was stressing, asked what was wrong, and gave me the scenario that "She's probably taken a day or two off to get her head together, freaking out about it finally and getting confused, like she was when she called you."

It makes sense, and it's an option that doesn't leave me clawing my eyes out.

*deep exhale*

[fullmoon]

yeah I've been doing that as well, can totally relate.

I feel a lot better recently since I started thinking this way:
- I'm asking myself what sort of R I want. ie, I want to be with a partner who is responsible.
ok we all express our thoughts and feelings in different ways, but I need to be with someone who's willing to work on it... I deserve it!
- If H chooses to not work on it, R would've died sooner or later even if we're together today
- If H chooses to be involved with someone else so soon (which is not very healthy emotionally) R would've taken a toll sooner or later

My sanity is more important than M.

Also what helps is to try to completely switch it all off... when I start thinking about my stitch, I tell myself to stop and play a little 'movie' in my mind of pleasant things that I'm looking forward to do. This seems to help a lot.

[blind]

It's a hard thing to stop... the coworkers have been truly great in stopping my darker moods.

I'm trying to feel better recently. I'm clearly happier, because I've had ladies flirting with me in nearly every dance class/social event I attend.... but I am still completely uninterested in any of it... it makes me feel awkward and brings back some very dark thoughts. A bit of a viscious cycle really.

Your way of thinking things thruogh really makes sense moon... but I'm still having trouble in letting go of this marriage... this woman I've commited myself to for the last 7 years.

That is damaging my sanity more than anything.

Bouncing up and down a fair bit still

[blind]

These damn up and downs.

I came home actually almost happy. It's been a good week so far. Last night I was crazily busy, dancing, out for a mates' birthday, live band and loads of fun.

Today was a productive day at work, getting loads of things done.

Tonight was an extremely difficult dance class where I had my butt whipped into shape, and finally started to get things sinking in...

I was even just about to post here with a "Finally a positive post" post.

... but she's back in the office and she's replied to me. Good to talk to you too, mild chatter about work, spent the weekend in Bournemouth, things coming up.

So a weekend away huh? Yay for fears being realised.