Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have taken a few weeks to absorb the fact that the SG got married. After confronting him and really not getting anything other than "I didn't want to hurt you" I realize he probably meant "I wanted to see what else I can get out of you."
I can't say that I hurt too much anymore, but I still have the moments. I have begun to realize that I have so much more to be thankful for, and although I knew that all along, I am trying more to focus on that now.
I still think of him every day, and I am not sure why. I think I am angry not that he got married, but that he lied to me. I am not sure if I am being repetitive or not, but don't care because I need to get this out. I feel like he took the option of me withdrawing from him, and moving on, out of my hands by not telling me he was still dating the NW (new wife). I wonder if it was because he thought I would ask my father (x GMAN) to have him deported. I know I am spending too much time on this, but I also know that until I feel like I have turned it over enough, I wont let it go, so its better if I just do it and get it done.
I don't want to be the LBS who stops living because she is so heartbroken. I don't think I am, I mean I have friends, and do stuff. But honestly, right now, I mostly like to be by myself right now. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I don't really care either.
Anyway...moving on, moving forward. Keep trucking...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I have taken a few weeks to absorb the fact that the SG got married.
Good for you. I'm sure you needed the time to process - and quite possibly, mourn again. In a different, though no less important way.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
After confronting him and really not getting anything other than "I didn't want to hurt you" I realize he probably meant "I wanted to see what else I can get out of you."
Or, more than likely, "I didn't have the manly cajones to tell you."
Originally Posted By: LolaL
I can't say that I hurt too much anymore, but I still have the moments. I have begun to realize that I have so much more to be thankful for, and although I knew that all along, I am trying more to focus on that now.
Hooray!
Originally Posted By: LolaL
I still think of him every day, and I am not sure why. I think I am angry not that he got married, but that he lied to me. I am not sure if I am being repetitive or not, but don't care because I need to get this out. I feel like he took the option of me withdrawing from him, and moving on, out of my hands by not telling me he was still dating the NW (new wife). I wonder if it was because he thought I would ask my father (x GMAN) to have him deported. I know I am spending too much time on this, but I also know that until I feel like I have turned it over enough, I wont let it go, so its better if I just do it and get it done.
All perfectly understandable. And necessary.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
I don't want to be the LBS who stops living because she is so heartbroken. I don't think I am, I mean I have friends, and do stuff. But honestly, right now, I mostly like to be by myself right now. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. But I don't really care either.
LolaL, I could've written the above word-for-word. It's not a good thing. It's not a bad thing. It's a LolaL thing. It's what you need. Bravo for this.
Originally Posted By: LolaL
Anyway...moving on, moving forward. Keep trucking...
Amen. The LBS Manifesto! You sound good. I'm glad.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I will have to say, adopting two adorable kittens has definitely helped. We almost lost one to an upper respiratory infection that he contracted from the shelter. $300 later and he is on the mend. It is kind of nice to have a snuggly little kitten curl up under your chin. Of course, it has been so damned hot here that it is really hard to do that all the time...
I am thankful that the SG and I did not have any children together. Although there is part of me that still longs to hear from him, I also know that in the long run, that would not be a good thing. It is better that he does not email me anymore...and that I don't email him. I still dream about him, but I suppose that is normal. Deep down I was hoping that somewhere he would remember what we WERE like and come to his senses. Now that I have realized that the chances of that are so slim you would have to view them under a microscope, it is a little easier to accept. I still loved him, and yes, part of me is having to go through this all over again. I would have liked to have brushed myself off and said Okay thats it I am done. He has moved on permanently, and so it is time for me to move on. But I realize that I am doing this the right way, grieving the loss, the end, and that because I am doing this the right way, I will learn what to do, what not to do, what to watch for, and that way the next relationship I have will have a much better chance of surviving the small stuff than the one I had with SG.
I guess another part of me is greatful that we were only married a short time. I cannot imagine how I would have felt if he had lied to me for 5 or 10 years, and then left me. I can imagine that all of you that have had very long marriages have to survive a lot more pain.
Still, if there is one thing I have gained in all this, it is my independence. I realize that I can do this on my own, even if there were times that were very rocky. I did this. I got through this. I am proud of myself and the strides I have made. I have learned to lean on God when I feel I cannot take another day, and somehow that knowledge brings quite a bit of comfort.
Someday I will meet Mr. Right. I leave that in God's hands. For now, I never thought I would say this, but I kinda like being alone. There are definitely times I get lonely, but not enough that I want to get out there yet. I have tried, and it just doesn't feel right. So I won't, not until the right time comes.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Still, if there is one thing I have gained in all this, it is my independence. I realize that I can do this on my own, even if there were times that were very rocky. I did this. I got through this. I am proud of myself and the strides I have made. I have learned to lean on God when I feel I cannot take another day, and somehow that knowledge brings quite a bit of comfort.
Someday I will meet Mr. Right. I leave that in God's hands. For now, I never thought I would say this, but I kinda like being alone. There are definitely times I get lonely, but not enough that I want to get out there yet. I have tried, and it just doesn't feel right. So I won't, not until the right time comes.
Those are wise words, words learned from experience. Your strength is coming back.
Why give yourself permission to feel wonderful only if another person's involved?
A self-contained, self-reliant individual is free from emotional bondage. Know thyself, for within you is all the love, happiness, wisdom and freedom you will ever need.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I have to agree. No matter what I am happy. Oh I have my moments, but generally, I am content. No one can take that from me. I realize that I was so wrapped up in the SG, that I forgot that I am and will remain Lola no matter what.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Good for you in hashing this out slowly and with much introspection. You know that is what it takes to truly move forward. If you just buried the feelings and pretended they weren't there anymore you would just find them coming back to bite you later on.
Kittens? You are a brave woman! I can barely handle one dog let alone two kittens! They are cute though......
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
