Thanks Sugar. I hear you loud and clear, trust me.
I am not going into tomorrow looking to reconcile. I am going into tomorrow to try to gauge the situation.
Remember, she already pulled the "I want to get back together" card on me once this week, and my reply was "I don't know".
That is STILL my reply.
To say I am hesitant is an understatement.
Tomorrow, before we head out for the night, I plan to make 1 thing clear. If she expects to even talk to me anymore, there is no dating, and there is no one else. There is no contact with OM, period.
If she agrees, then we can go and have a fun night together. If she doesn't agree, I'm going home.
For what its worth, I went over to a friends house tonight, and while I was there my wife called my friends wife to see if she wanted to go out for dinner with her.
Little things like that, that she doesn't even know about, are things that can BEGIN to make me believe her that she is not with OM anymore.
Of course, that was a small thing, and could mean nothing, but you know what I mean.
We have been emailing a bit today about what to do tonight, and she is being very cold towards me.
I have no idea what I'm getting myself into here, but I can feel my attachment starting again.
I don't know what to do now.
I am so tempted to just say "forget it"... But on the other hand I feel like getting face to face tonight is something we need to do after the instant messaging fiasco.
Why, after all this, am I sitting here secretly wanting her to profess her undying love for me and come running into my arms tonight?
I know it's not going to happen, in fact, I'm pretty sure tonight we are just going to talk about how she doesn't want to try anymore, and I am assuming it's because of OM.
We have been emailing a bit today about what to do tonight, and she is being very cold towards me.
This is to be expected. She is looking for a reason to fight. She is apprehensive about tonight and may not truly be on the up & up about her contact/attachment with OM. I also believe that she is still on the fence about truly being ready to try. That is why I suggested going dark again. I hope I'm wrong, but her actions say she is just making sure you are still an open option and she will do what she has to so that you remain an option. Its easy to say the words but its a lot harder to live the actions if your not really feeling it. Shes playing games with your emotions and thats not something you do to someone if you are ready to try and make a committment to them and your M.
If you do go tonight I would avoid R talk like the plague. If she brings it up, change the subject or tell her that you just want to have a good time. Keep the "I don't know" going. Let her do some guessing. She suspects that she has you back where she wants you and that is why she is treating you cold today. Don't pursue, don't play the game.
It took my H a long time, even after he was done w/OW to truly come around to a place where he was ready to work on our M and be 100% here. There is no working on anything as long as there is ANY attachment to OP. Even if she isn't talking to OM, just grieving that loss, she isn't able to be 100% with/for you.
Its going to be hard and if you don't think you can keep your cool tonight, don't go. If you really think you can go and keep it strictly fun & light then have a good time. JMO...
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
Well, she offered to come over to my place, then proceeded to tell me we never had anything in common, she doesn't want to try, and she isn't going to stop being with other guys even for a little while for me.
She said the only reason she told me she wanted me back was because she was sad, and it had nothing to do with me, and after she talked to me that night and told me who she was seeing, and realized I didn't "hate" her she felt 100% better... But has no desire to be with me again.
After hearing this, I told her I wanted her to leave and she got really mad for "making her come all the way out here for nothing"... It was her idea to come over!
I am just so hurt and amazed at how she is able to treat me with absolutly no concern for me at all.
The resentment you mentioned is really starting to creep in.
I just have to go completely dark before this woman destroys me.
I really just feel so awful right now.
I think I need to break down and admit I need some IC.
I'm fairly new at posting, but have been lurking for a while. I'm sorry you feel so awful. I was in IC for two years and it helped me get through the darkest time in my life, it really did.
((konfuseeed))
Me - Faithful wife H - WAH Bomb: Fall/2009 - PA/EA with OW for 1 year Both in our early 40's M - 16 years w/ no kids T - 21 years Separated since July of 2008 - H living with his mother
"Hey I miss you a lot and I wanna get back together, but before you decide you should know that my boyfriend is actually a friend of yours... Now, boy, I sure do feel better getting that off my chest, oh, and that whole getting back together thing? Yeah, I didn't mean it, so, see ya around!"
There is nothing wrong with seeking help (IC), its one of the best decisions I ever made.
There was someone there for me & me only to listen to me and to ask questions and help me to evaluate myself and the situation that I was in. I didn't have to worry about an ulterior motive or worry about how H would react if he heard about it.
If I were you, I would go dark with the W. Only talk to her if you absolutely have to and then only about neccessary things. If/when she is truly ready to re-commit to you and your M, you will know because there won't be any of the back & forth. You will be able to see and feel the sincerity of her commitment but most important of all, her actions will mirror her words.
Again, I'm so sorry she wasn't being sincere with you. I'll keep checking on you and give you any help I can.
In the mean-time...start doing thing for yourself and build your life based on what makes you happy and brings you fulfillment. Keep your chin up and give IC a shot, you are worth it, right?
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
She doesn't want to try, and she isn't going to stop being with other guys even for a little while for me.
She said the only reason she told me she wanted me back was because she was sad, and it had nothing to do with me, and after she talked to me that night and told me who she was seeing, and realized I didn't "hate" her she felt 100% better... But has no desire to be with me again.
I am just so hurt and amazed at how she is able to treat me with absolutly no concern for me at all.
I just have to go completely dark before this woman destroys me.
K - I'm so sorry!
No one likes to be jerked around and WAS are famous for doing that. Just when you think things can't go much lower, they do.
I'm with Sugar - go dark on her and put her out of your mind for now. You could both stand a little distance, a "time out," if you will. Leave the toilet seat up, drink out of the milk carton, sleep in the middle of the bed. Don't think about her or your relationship.
Refuse to make her a priority when you're only one of her options, as Sugar says.
I know it's hard. I know you don't want to let go. I know you think that if you don't hold tight, she may run away and never come back.
The reality is, she's not planning on going far. She's in THE FOG, enjoying the excitement, and she keeps jerking your chain every now and again to make sure she can still locate home base if she needs it.
So pull the stake on home base and go have a beer with your buddies without telling her. Next time she jerks the chain and winds up with both ends, she'll FREAK.
When she has to come find YOU, then - and only then - will she be ready to abandon the fog and recommit. Put her out of your mind until then.
Well, she offered to come over to my place, then proceeded to tell me we never had anything in common, she doesn't want to try, and she isn't going to stop being with other guys even for a little while for me.
She said the only reason she told me she wanted me back was because she was sad, and it had nothing to do with me, and after she talked to me that night and told me who she was seeing, and realized I didn't "hate" her she felt 100% better... But has no desire to be with me again.
After hearing this, I told her I wanted her to leave and she got really mad for "making her come all the way out here for nothing"... It was her idea to come over!
I am just so hurt and amazed at how she is able to treat me with absolutly no concern for me at all.
The resentment you mentioned is really starting to creep in.
I just have to go completely dark before this woman destroys me.
I really just feel so awful right now.
I think I need to break down and admit I need some IC.
kon please for the love of god go dark man. I'm speaking from experience. I wish I would have went dark and left it alone for awhile. The hurt is tremendous. The pain I feel is just astounding.
You're tormenting yourself man. And the resentment and anger and hurt can consume you.
She's enjoying getting a rise out of you and pushing your buttons.
Just go dark for a little while at least until some of your resentment and anger settles. and by that i don't mean for a few hours or days.
Take a step back. Every interaction you are having with her is making your anger, hurt and resentment grow.
She's flaunting her OMs in front of you and loving every second of it.
trust me dude I know how it feels............
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
