Sorry if there was a miscommunication, but I did mean it as a way to confront him. IF it led to intimacy (not sex), that would be great IF it opened him up to help.

I went to my wife and told her. I am getting more help and doing more than she thought I would to get it. Still, will our marriage survive? Only God knows if it should. You might be better off alone, as I/she may be.

Still, you love/loved him. Help him like you would for anyone who is sick. Use your love for him. IF he gets help, he may come back or you may be through with him. I've never even kissed another woman (ever), but my porn addiction is hard to clear from my brain. Imagine getting sex like one buys bananas. Easy, exciting. The cost is high to you, but not so much to him RIGHT NOW. The longer you wait, the stronger his addiction and less his pain of leaving will be.

When he asked for the ring for the wedding and made the odd comment, he showed defensiveness. Why be defensive if you aren't in pain?

Responding to an ad, confronting this woman, etc all might be pursuing, and that will not help. When my W tried cutting off the internet, breaking down the bedroom door, etc, it made me feel controlled, not helped.

Be prepared to do unusual things. When my DivMediator said I was addicted, I believed her. If my wife had, I might be too embarrased.

"I'll give you space and not be mean in a D if you pursue it on one condition, see a IC about if this is an addiction"

OR

"I know getting help for your sex needs from risky places is costly, and while you may not love me, I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy. Can I help pay for an IC or something else"

etc.

Maybe at your group you could ask how they confronted.

So, as I leave these boards, why pop in again? The worst three things my wife did were:

- Get out of my way (or Get in my way). Resentment doesn't help anyone

- Instead of supporting me and encouraging me(encourage = bringing courage), she made it the cause of our M probs ... in other words, blame. I'd guess your M has many other 180s to cover by you and him that aren't related. Example of a lack of support: one weekend, I went to my hometown where I first saw porn to identify my triggers and search for repressed memories (I found none). She got very angry that I "abandoned" her with our kids and though I should've made it a family trip (!).

- She continues to refuse her role in making our R unhappy enough that the evil I did/do could fester. Apologize as needed. It won't hurt you, but it will give a reason for him to work. He may not see a R with you as worth it/saveable, but it may pull his head out enough to want help.


I apologize on his behalf. Those of us trying to recover (slowly) recognize what we did to the other. That doesn't "wash" our brains out from the devil's tricks and whispers. Coming clean & sober from it takes time.

I really pray to God alone that you find happiness BrownEyes and others here.