Oh, I'm fine, and I'll be fine once the kids are gone for the summer. It's mostly them I'm worried about right now. Their mom just moved half way across the country and suddenly, their dad goes into MLC... and they feel very abandoned. I'm doing my best and probably overcompensating, but I know they appreciate it.
Today is father's day, and I invited my dad to go fishing like we did when I was little. My H somehow thought I meant for him to go with us and suddenly, it was a family day. Which is fine and I'm glad it turned out good. However, when I woke him this morning to go, he was aggravated, said that he didn't know what was going on. (DUH, you disappear for days on end and never tell us how we can reach you - no cell phone - no idea where you are, of COURSE you don't know what's going on - did you expect me to wait up until 4 am when you stroll in to fill you in on the details?)
Anyway, he showed up and we fished for an hour. I had a class to go to so I took off, and came home from church to find the kids had been ditched with the usual excuse - "I'm going to go hang with friends." So, I told them I'd take a nap since I'm just plain exhausted and then we'll go do something fun.
Anyway, H's dad was an alcoholic. His mom D him for cheating. However, H does not know that-or at least she never told him that. I don't think he ever knew that. He just thought his dad was not around and was an alcoholic, so she D him for that. It was the cheating. He cheated on her with OW#1 (that we know of), and then M the OW. He cheated on OW and that M lasted a year or two, I forget exactly, but very short. He cheated on OW#1 with OW#2, then M OW#2 - and lo and behold, guess what? Cheated on OW#2 WITH OW#1. However, OW#2 and he worked it out and stayed together until he died of lung cancer a few years ago.
Since H doesn't know this (I talked to the women - both MIL and OW#2, which is something H never bothered with) - I wondered if there was a genetic component to this.
However, H is not like his dad in most ways. He's very creative like his dad was, but he's sensitive, funny, and just a great, loving, kind man.
His Mom is a very lovely woman, H complains that she controls things too much, but I think she's just sweet and wants to make everyone happy... and that's why she is like she is. She just wants everyone to get along, and sometimes that is just not possible. She D his dad, M her best friend who gave her a platonic M just for the boys to have a dad to help raise them, and then met her "soul mate" and D the second H for the third, whom she is M to and very happy with to this day.
H has used this to explain what he's doing to his mom. That she found "true love" with her third M and therefore he is also heading down the same path. Never mind that her H#2 told her that if she ever found someone she could be romantically happy with, to let him know and he would step aside. And she never cheated on him... they were open about it from the start. H is more like his dad than his mom, but both histories are just not great in my mind.
Anyway, I think you may be able to see where his thoughts are a bit screwed up.
I really feel that there are two ways H can be faithful. #1 is me walking on eggshells for the rest of my life... not going to happen. #2 is he gets therapy...and that's what I've come to. I will accept him back only after he agrees and begins therapy.
My H's OW has no idea - she really thinks we had a bad marriage. I did warn her, but she thinks she can make him happy and I couldn't. Of course, never mind that she is also M and cheating on her H (and cheated on my H and her H with another guy at a party at least once)
Anyway, what a mess.
I miss my family where everyone is just plain normal. Very few divorces, my parents are the only ones really. And that was a mistake, as they've said multiple times. I wish my H's family had started out with MIL and FIL (Her third H) being the parents. I think my H would have wound up so much better and happier and more stable and secure in himself.
My H has very deep scars from feeling awkward in HS and like no girls wanted to date him. That's what OW represents to him. She was a high school crush. Although, he told me of his crushes and she was not included in them. And she's not his type, so I think it's a combination of he thought she was cute but never really thought much about her, but she became available to him during their recent high school reunion, and she made it clear she had no moral walls about cheating, so here we are. Replay at it's finest.
I'm looking forward to moving forward while H plays out this fantasy behind the scenes and the kids are gone for the summer. Already I've gotten more done around the house in the past month than he has in years. It will be great to get my life back in order.
I'm looking at this as a gift. During this time, I am growing, learning, fixing my finances and house, reconnecting with friends and making closer ties to family. And hopefully, H fixes what's wrong with him because I'd love to not have to say I had a failed M in my life.
