Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Just got back from dropping off DS. H had the whore with him. I saw it as I was going towards the parking lot he was waiting in so I made sure to park a good distance from his car, facing away from them. H walked over to my car, got DS and the only interactions we had was him to say he was thinking about 6-ish to return DS and I said that was fine. I left as soon as H and DS started walking towards H's car.

On the way home I cried a bit, yelled out to God asking why this was happening to me, that H was supposed to be with me right now, not her. I just have to keep telling myself that H is screwed up in the head, he's lost for now but not forever.

Would it be out of place for me to tell H he needs to come to drop-off and pick-ups alone, that it's too uncomfortable (read: painful) to me when he has someone with him?

[Abbey]

She destroyed my family, destroyed our plans for the future.

Get yourself strong so you can do the same to her. I don't care how bad that may look to the outside world who've never lived the junk we've lived ... spend the time learning how to out wit and play the whore. Don't get mad, get even.

*hugs*

Abbey

[Mystik]

Abbey, do you have a thread I could read or follow for more insight? I'm unsure of the best way other than improving me to outwit and outplay the whore so that in the end I'm the one left standing. With H living with the whore and the baby, how will it work for him to come out of the fog?

[Mystik]

Read something in NewMama's thread that really answered some questions for me. She said she got it from Heart's Blessings Sermon's, I think it was.

Generally the man/woman in crisis has had a terrible childhood. Their childhoods consisted of parents that fought, drank, did drugs, physically and mentally abused their children, emotionally distanced themselves from their children, but most of all abandoned their children.

The more I read about the various "learned" personality traits, the more I'm convinced that as children they were mentally abused to the point of not believing in themselves at all. They felt dirty, unwanted, stupid, worthless, their self esteem was shot to hell. The parents had these children, but really didn't love them unconditionally. Most of the "crisis" children have ADHD, ADD, PA, BPD traits. They suffer from bouts of depression, are very good at lying, picking fights, defensive, and tend to self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, sex and spending.

As I've listened to my friend, I've come to realize that even though "crisis" children appear normal on the outside, they have a constant internal war going on inside of themselves. They have been damaged beyond repair at that young age and it will take many years for them to even feel safe w/another person, if then. They feel very threatened by anyone that comes near them emotionally and physically. They can't handle it because they fear that this person will hurt them or take away whatever it is that they hold near and dear in their lives.

As the "crisis" child grows up, he/she tends to be a loner, stays to him/herself and doesn't trust anyone to enter their safety zone. They tend to not show their emotions except in bouts of anger and are very guarded about their thoughts and feelings. They tend to distance themselves from others. I call this the dance, because when a person gets close to the "crisis" individual, he/she will distance enough to not feel threatened.

You the spouse will never know the real person that lives within the "crisis" person until the two personalities are merged into one. The person you know is actually the shell of a person and he/she is very good at masking what he/she is really thinking at all times.

However, during the major growing times, i.e., 20's, 30, and 40's (mid-life especially), the "crisis" person has another problem. It's at this time that the "crisis" child is starting to raise its ugly head, becomes stronger and wants to voice it's opinions on how that person was mistreated as a child.

It's at this time, that the splintering/splitting occurs. This where the crisis child is doing internal battle with the crisis adult. The battle is a 24/7 emotional roller coaster for the adult. The pain, hurt and anger are there 24/7 w/o any relief. I've sat and listened to my friend speak of many things that happened in his childhood and to hear the hurt and anguish in his voice makes me want to cry for him. It is at this time when the emotional pain becomes so great that the adult can't handle any other stress in his/her life.

This person doesn't trust the spouse enough to speak about the turmoil inside. They feel that the spouse will not accept them for who they are right at this moment. Why? Because that person has now entered mlc and will be there for a while. That person knows that something is terribly wrong and knows that he/she must leave in order to heal those long ago hurts.

If you recall, as children, when we were scared or punished, we all wanted to run away. Remember those times? Well, this is what is happening to your mlcer. They are very scared and very hurt and they only thing that they know how to do is run, as the "crisis" child comes on the scene. The best thing that this person can do for himself/herself is to go see their parents, sit down and actually talk to their parents about how they perceived their childhood and tell the parents just how hurt and angry they are for how they were mistreated. If they don't do this, it will take longer for them to heal.

[Mystik]

Now why this made so much sense:

H's family is the poster child for dysfunctional. His mom died of cancer when he was 4, not six months later the new step-mom was already moved in. Her and H's father were raging alcoholics. If you can think of a type of abuse, it happened in H's family, a lot of it to him as well as his siblings. Verbal, mental, physical, emotional, sexual. Even H's sister has said to me how messed up H is from the way he grew up. He went to a therapist for one or two visits and was told he has ADHD and PTSD. Alos, it was around the time DS hit the age where H has his earliest memories of abuse from that H started to really pull away and talk about separating. Our marriage was already strained from the birth of our son, so this just made it even easier for H to think walking away was the best answer. When H's father died about six months before it really got bad, H showed no emotion. He didn't cry, didn't get angry, nothing. And as soon as his father was buried he cut off any and all contact with his step-mother. So the opportunity to talk with his parents to try and heal the damage from his childhood doesn't exist. Not that his father or step-mother even will admit to giving him a bad childhood. In their memories they did the best they could what with having to raise 9 kids. And DS is the baby, so according to his siblings he got the worst of the abuse.

So now, I feel more confident that H is suffering a mid-life crisis, and that OW is simply a way to try and make himself feel better, but it won't last for good.

[Vulcanized]

Would it be out of place for me to tell H he needs to come to drop-off and pick-ups alone, that it's too uncomfortable (read: painful) to me when he has someone with him?

I think you'd be better off not saying anything to H about OW. Especially that it's uncomfortable/painful for you. I can't imagine that H wouldn't relay that info to OW. I subscribe to the keep your friends close and your enemies closer school. I wouldn't give OW any sort of ammunition to use against you.

I know it sucks having to see pg whore, but it's vital to appear calm, cool and collected. I've never had to see my H's whore in person, but when she comes up, I don't present myself as being threatened. I stick to the facts that H's OW sleeps w/married men and that 'nice girls' don't screw other ppl's H's. Make sense?

[Mystik]

Home now. Not a peep from H about the photo book I made for him for Father's Day. When he called to tell me they were running late he hung up without a good-bye. He at least had the courtesy to be alone when he dropped off DS. But he didn't speak to me other than to explain when DS said he lost part of a toy car at H's place. I guess I'm no longer worth even common courtesy to him.

Normally I don't ask DS about his time with H, nor does DS talk to me about it. But tonight I asked if H liked his gift and DS said he loved it. So I'm hoping that it's making H think. DS randomly asked me if I knew how many dollars it takes to move, I told him that I didn't. He didn't explain but I'm wondering if H is talking to DS about him moving. And I'm praying that he moves alone.

Was painful to see H again this evening. Will it ever get easier, will the hurt of seeing him but not having him ever go away?

[Mystik]

So, I read somewhere, NewMama's thread perhaps, that an affair starts to burn out around 18 months. If we go by the time H first told me about OW that would mean this August it would start to fizzle. If we go from the time he moved in with her, that brings us to November. And with the whore being knocked up that of course complicates it. So I'm just praying and hanging on as best I can while I try to get a grasp on regaining control of my life.

ETA: I'm aching to call one of H's sisters and see what his current state of mind is. Is he still scared out of his mind? Is this really what he wants? Does he even think about me anymore? But I know that getting answers to those questions may not do me any good so I'm behaving and resisting the urge to call, despite every instinct screaming at me to go ahead and dial the phone.

[Four_More_Years]

Not a peep from H about the photo book I made for him for Father's Day. When he called to tell me they were running late he hung up without a good-bye. He at least had the courtesy to be alone when he dropped off DS. But he didn't speak to me other than to explain when DS said he lost part of a toy car at H's place. I guess I'm no longer worth even common courtesy to him.

To me, that sounds like he feels guilty and can't/doesn't want to deal with it. Despite treating you like crap, you did something thoughtful for him, and not the kind of thing he can get all "righteous anger" over, since it's focused solely on your/HIS son. And I'm guessing he doesn't want to feel anything nice toward you right now, since that just confuses the issue Voila, instant snot.

Kinda like when you're upset about something and on the verge of tears and you know if someone says one nice thing to you you're going to completely break down, so you're standoff-ish and brusque with anyone in your sphere because it's the only way you can deal with it. Not that I think it's anywhere near that clearly formed in his mind, but it just reads like guilt to me.

[Mystik]

That does make sense, Four_More_Years.

He called a bit ago from his home phone, he knows that I don't like him calling from that number. I left the room and gave DS privacy to talk to his father, and as soon as he was done I deleted the number off the caller ID.

Just keep telling myself "He's screwed up in the head right now. This is not my fault."