Better Days

[AJM]

I think your last statement is very intuitive. Let's face it, your marriage is dead. Gone. Is that a bad thing for you? For her? The marriage had issues and needed to be killed very likely for one or both of you. You did not ask for it, but it sounds like it needed to happen. It happened violently but it is done.

I have to ask - is anger a bad thing? Or can it be useful in helping you get unstuck? I can see from the other posts and your own that you do need to let the marriage die. Until then neither of you can have a new relationship of any kind. Going dark is not about keeping your anger down or being vengeful although those two thoughts are likely related, right? I know how you feel. I've had to be honest about that as well. But I finally realized that for me, going dark was for me. And I was going to do it for me because I need it. I don't know for how long. But going dark is not about DB'ng or a strategy. It's a step in the process to heal myself. I suspect the same for you at this point G.
Look at the positives of killing that old marriage:
You're happier than before (wow).
You have a better relationship with your kids. (yay!)
You have reduced your work to achieve a better work/life balance. (woot!)

You have changed. I submit you needed to change. Your spouse needed to as well. Is all lost? You can't tell the future. It's possible her feelings she tells you about are true, right? I think she is being honest with you. Perhaps for the first time and your feelings are still so raw, you aren't willing to accept it. I can relate. I think that's natural. It's part of killing the remainder of the marriage. Until then, you can't really have a true and honest relationship with xw can you? Would you want to have what you had? I don't think so.

Our situations are similar in that regard. But for me, to finalize the ritualistic killing of the marriage she started, I have to feel the things I feel and I have to accept them. I don't like being angry. I didn't in the past. To be honest, I feel a lot more of a range of emotions than I did before. I have a better relationship with my kids. I have a better life and I suspect I'll one day be grateful for this event and truly mean it.

One last thought:
Duh. Forgiveness is something you have to actively work at. Now that the legal divorce is pretty much a done deal, you can truly work on that. Before it was hard to do because you held out hope for the relationship you had. It's gone. A new relationship is being formed. Forgive. Feel. If you have to go dark, then go dark. If you have to set boundaries, then set boundaries. If you want to talk to her, then talk to her. But feel. Feel all of it and don't be afraid of that. That is your way through. You still control your actions, but your feelings must be dealt with and you will need them all to be the man you want to be, even if you don't yet know what that looks like.

Do the work.

AJ
(heck, I may just be writing this to myself as much as to you, no?