Better Days

[AJM]

I think your last statement is very intuitive. Let's face it, your marriage is dead. Gone. Is that a bad thing for you? For her? The marriage had issues and needed to be killed very likely for one or both of you. You did not ask for it, but it sounds like it needed to happen. It happened violently but it is done.

I have to ask - is anger a bad thing? Or can it be useful in helping you get unstuck? I can see from the other posts and your own that you do need to let the marriage die. Until then neither of you can have a new relationship of any kind. Going dark is not about keeping your anger down or being vengeful although those two thoughts are likely related, right? I know how you feel. I've had to be honest about that as well. But I finally realized that for me, going dark was for me. And I was going to do it for me because I need it. I don't know for how long. But going dark is not about DB'ng or a strategy. It's a step in the process to heal myself. I suspect the same for you at this point G.
Look at the positives of killing that old marriage:
You're happier than before (wow).
You have a better relationship with your kids. (yay!)
You have reduced your work to achieve a better work/life balance. (woot!)

You have changed. I submit you needed to change. Your spouse needed to as well. Is all lost? You can't tell the future. It's possible her feelings she tells you about are true, right? I think she is being honest with you. Perhaps for the first time and your feelings are still so raw, you aren't willing to accept it. I can relate. I think that's natural. It's part of killing the remainder of the marriage. Until then, you can't really have a true and honest relationship with xw can you? Would you want to have what you had? I don't think so.

Our situations are similar in that regard. But for me, to finalize the ritualistic killing of the marriage she started, I have to feel the things I feel and I have to accept them. I don't like being angry. I didn't in the past. To be honest, I feel a lot more of a range of emotions than I did before. I have a better relationship with my kids. I have a better life and I suspect I'll one day be grateful for this event and truly mean it.

One last thought:
Duh. Forgiveness is something you have to actively work at. Now that the legal divorce is pretty much a done deal, you can truly work on that. Before it was hard to do because you held out hope for the relationship you had. It's gone. A new relationship is being formed. Forgive. Feel. If you have to go dark, then go dark. If you have to set boundaries, then set boundaries. If you want to talk to her, then talk to her. But feel. Feel all of it and don't be afraid of that. That is your way through. You still control your actions, but your feelings must be dealt with and you will need them all to be the man you want to be, even if you don't yet know what that looks like.

Do the work.

AJ
(heck, I may just be writing this to myself as much as to you, no?

[karen43]

I'm not surprised to hear that she panicked when you stopped calling her. She's had a long pattern of doing that--pursuing you as soon as you provide distance. You mention you don't want to be angry or vengeful with your X, but I don't see providing constant emotional support for your X or anger as your only 2 options. I think your W is a cake-eater. She wants all the positives of M & family with you: emotional support, and family activities with you and your boys, etc. without the committment, loyalty etc that you would experience in a true marriage.

I do think the healthiest thing for you and your family would be to distance yourself from your X-and by that I mean more than a day or 2. And allow her to feel the consequences of D. But I think I've said this before to you, huh?

[newmama]

Geronimo, good for you for admitting you are not making wise decisions and are confused. Glad to hear you can take a beating and admit you needed it.

But if you DO want some kind of romantic relationship with your exW, don't you think it would be good to think of it as starting a new relationship with a new woman? What I mean is, you wouldn't be in a serious relationship with a woman so soon after your divorce, right? (the triplet mom sounded casual at least)

So in order to have a new relationship, it is WISE to heal from the last one. Not to mention, you don't want to give your kids false hope (accidentally)! And all of us will need a boat load of therapy with our exs if we resumed a relationship with them!

Anyway, take care and Happy Father's Day! I see how much you love those kids and take damn good care of them!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Hey G, you're getting good advice here and I have to agree with the last few posts. However, I just think it's odd that she's feeling this way and saying those things to you so soon. I mean, has it even been two months since D? What did she expect when she pushed for the D? Did she think that she'll live in a separate house, become a part-time mom and still have all the support and love from you? WTF? I guess I'm just asking a generic question about the WAS here...why the D if they're miserable in their new life which is what the wanted to badly? or is it simply because they no longer have the OM/OW anymore that was lighting up their fantasy world and they had to come back to reality and see the destruction of their actions. If so, then the scary question is how long before the next OM/OW comes along and they do the same thing? I suspect it's what's happening in my case.

Anyway, I think your journaling helps me more than you think, I see a lot of similar thoughts and patterns in you and it makes me ponder things I didn't think of before. Hope you had a good day G.

[NoLongerHere]

Hey guys -

Thanks all for the responses.

AJM, yes the marriage is dead. I don't know what we have now, something else. She spent the day with us, and it was all very nice and normal, and by the end she was so spent because, to paraphrase her words, she's still not over it and it all feel so close to what she wanted, or even still wants, but doesn't believe her needs are met in our relationship. And she was very emotional again by the end of the day.

Karen, yeah, you've said that. OK, I'm going to be out of state with the boys for 9 days starting June 26th, that will be a good opportunity for an inflection point. And, yeah, should just take the next week easy. She said, she's not going to be able to take it if we fight this next week - so - it's a good time to leave her alone.

Is she a cake-eater? She's not an intentional malicious cake-eater. She's a flawed human being in a lot of pain. She's wanted to feel my love, and for whatever reason, her, or me, or what, she's felt like she's needed to move away to protect her heart. But she still wants to feel loved. The flip side of that coin is that I'm the LBS, picking up the pieces with a lot of hurt and conflicting messages. Well - at any rate, the mechanics of the scenenario are the same - they're not working - and if she needs to be away from me, then she needs to be away from me.

NM - you know what I really want - before we talk about a new relationship - I'd really like to see her stop crying and hurting. God. And I kind of see that I can't be the one to comfort her, because that continues the pattern.

The truth is subjective here - is she in emotional pain because her needs are so large - things that are beyond our relationship? Yeah, to some degree. But I knew I married a - what - fragile? - woman... that's not quite right, but you know what I mean - someone with a lot of needs - and that expectation (maybe from both of us) that our relationship was going to cure it wasn't a good one. Yeah, I keep going back and trying to fix it, don't I? Sigh. OK

I think I might stop posting so much for awhile - I want to let my thoughts germinate a bit. And I'll be traveling for awhile. I don't know what there is to figure out here, it's over. Except for the co-parenting part. So I'm going to try to get my head on straight. I've tried so hard to understand this, and I think I've got all the puzzle pieces and have tried to force them together the way I think they should fit. Anyway. The more I post here the more twisted up it gets. I think it's a lot simpler than I'm making it, and yes, I am actually smarter than this if I get on top of it rather than let it smother me. Going to just let it be for now.

Thanks all - will check in later

[NoLongerHere]

Hey SR - didn't see your post before I posted. Hope you had a good day too!

Mmmmmm - this isn't the right metaphor - but she jumped out of a burning house into the swimming pool, thought that was what she needed to do, even though she couldn't swim... (in the metaphor... in real live she can swim fair enough, hah). This wasn't a perfect solution in her mind.

Human beings are not logical. It's that simple.

[AJM]

G - well done. I think you have the right mindset now. Let it be and let it work itself out without you trying. It'll come together how it will come together. You'll be fine with the results. Better than fine.

See you when you get back.

AJ

[ImprovedRomeo]

G, just checking in, hope you're good...sorry been MIA lately.

[NoLongerHere]

Doing OK, thanks - have been busy the last couple of days, and trying to focus on work and things that need to get done, vs. dwelling in my head.

Had a long conversation with TM the other night, key takeaway: "XW still has hope but you didn't hear it from me."

Have seen quite a bit of XW over the past few days.

Hope you all are doing well.

[v1olin]

Of course she still has hope. It is very easy to see as an outsider(people on this board). Just do one thing Geronimo, you have written here a few times that you tell her that you hate her. You should stop saying that to her. Those are pretty harsh words and I don't think you really mean them.