The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
So far, stbx has been civil. That's still helpful, but as you can tell from my post, I am not in a trusting position. In the past, when she did things at my expense, she has done this as well. I have not yet taken the latest revision of the sep agrmnt to the lawyer and returned it to her. Just haven't had time.
I'm working hard at detaching. I've also been reading up on divorce and the toll it can take as well as the process. I see many things differently now. She has been actively divorcing me for quite some time. Ever since she returned from California there has been little to no change other than guilt/anger on her part. I see that now, much more clearly. All of the strange behavior has fit fairly well into the process map. Still is really. What I also realize is that there was nothing I could have done differently. I'm glad I did the things I did. It never has been about me really. I know that sounds to the readers here like I'm denying. I'm not. Believe me I've searched for my own issues to see what they are. I've found a few and corrected those to be a way I can live with. This seems more about a power struggle at some level. I have felt that for a long time, that she wants to control me and then wanted me to be her father figure as well. I've journaled about it in the past.
Water under the bridge. I journal it to get my thoughts out, but I realize there is no going back. That there is no way to change her mind and now not to change mine. I won't say never, because I've learned to not do that, but I see that the marriage is dead. Ironically, I know that's the point at which things can be different. They won't be at her insistence. Mine now as well because that's the choice I have. I am learning to accept it and working diligently to detach. Part of detaching is letting go and letting her succeed or fail based on her own choices. It's just as I do that my brain makes connections that before weren't possible for me to do. For whatever reason.
I realize I'm heartbroken. I was devastated. I was angry. I was hurt. To some degree, I still am many of those things, but nearly as much as before. Progress? Or quiet before the storm? Time will help me figure that out as well.

Detaching seems the key and the way out of this way of life for me. I'm enjoying the time I have to me. I look back and realize I wasn't always able to be myself. I didn't have a partner the whole time. I had an adversary that wanted to control me. I won't be controlled like that. In some regards, she has done me a favor and I suspect I'll look back on this as one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can see that possibility now because if it wasn't her, it may have been me at a later time. I've grown and learned so very much since I became aware of this. I still have no idea what it was she wasn't getting in her relationship, but I realize that's not because I didn't ask or try. I have only to let her go at this point and to psychologically divorce her to go with the physical aspect of the divorce. I am well on my way to that and I feel like I am at a critical juncture of that process. The marriage is dead, I am moving on, and I am still making connections in my head about the past.
We did have a lot of great years together. Right up until the summer before her nephew died when she started pulling away. She may have seen it differently. I don't know the answer to that and may never understand what happened from her perspective. It will have to be that way.
Detaching is not easy. For those that read this later, part of detaching is to let go and let the WAS/MLC'r/? feel the consequences of their decisions. To let them go and let them make their own way. It's a growing up time, and for ourselves can also be. I am glad I am growing. It has been and to some degree continues to be a painful experience, but as the old saying goes, growth is painful. Truth is, pain fuels growth but the effect is the same
Happy Father's day to all out there. While the result of divorce doesn't seem necessary, I do wish my stbx all the best in her new life and I wish her continued success and happiness. I hope she finds it sooner than she expects to find it.

AJ