Just Confronted - A Litttle Confused

[Ready2Change]

QS,

It sounds like you are afraid of your W's anger.....I am correct?

I strong confident man (traits women find attractive) is not afraid of a woman who is angry. He might validate and say "You look/sound angry. It must be hard to feel that way"....

[Quicksilver264]

This is not going the way I'd hoped.

She is more DETERMINED than ever to get a divorce. She had a talk with her mom about the OA after I exposed.

But she is still so angry about losing her "friends" that all her negative emotions flow towards me.

Apparently, I am "grasping at straws" and it is "so very pathetic".

I don't know who I can trust with all this. I gave her parents the video, and they watched it. But she told me that her mom said "I should back off and talk to my own family for a while".

I WONT give up hope, will keep doing my 180s and detach. I think I've got her to go to counseling with me, but only "to smooth the divorce process over" as far as she in concerned.

This truly is my last resort. At least the other guys aren't talking to her and giving her the "support" she wants, although she is almost dying for it from them.

I can only hope this fades with time, and she doesn't become even more determined to go through with this.

[Onthemountaintop]

Don't worry about what she said someone said. Don't worry about what she said. Worry about what you feel is the best, most mature and thoughtful decision you are making and make them. If that is patience, it is a decision.

She may come back, she may not. Hope doesn't fade, it becomes less likely. Only you can choose to hope less in something unprobable. How many of us hope to get to space, even though the chances are so miniscule. Hope can still remain until you decided otherwise.

[elvencat]

But she told me that her mom said "I should back off and talk to my own family for a while".

If her mom didn't tell you directly, don't believe it. I'm not believing any second knowledge right now, and it's helping. If her mom wants you to stay away, her mom needs to tell you. Your wife is calling you "pathetic". Why would you believe her when she is trying to keep a stronghold on what she seems to think is her only real backup as you are being blamed for making her "lose all her friends"?

[DaddyLongShanks]

This is not going the way I'd hoped.

She is more DETERMINED than ever to get a divorce. She had a talk with her mom about the OA after I exposed.

But she is still so angry about losing her "friends" that all her negative emotions flow towards me.

Apparently, I am "grasping at straws" and it is "so very pathetic".

I don't know who I can trust with all this. I gave her parents the video, and they watched it. But she told me that her mom said "I should back off and talk to my own family for a while".

I WONT give up hope, will keep doing my 180s and detach. I think I've got her to go to counseling with me, but only "to smooth the divorce process over" as far as she in concerned.

This truly is my last resort. At least the other guys aren't talking to her and giving her the "support" she wants, although she is almost dying for it from them.

I can only hope this fades with time, and she doesn't become even more determined to go through with this.

Its pretty obvious that these wacky waywards think that "we" stand in the way of their happiness. If they could only look at themself 10 years down the road and understand the error of their ways.

I'd let one of the more experienced members comment or a db coach.

[Ready2Change]

But she is still so angry about losing her "friends" that all her negative emotions flow towards me.

I would like to suggest that she does not have "negative" emotions. They are just her emotions. She needs to release her repressed anger. It is how you respond to this venting that is important....

Put on your "rain coat". Listen, validate, but do not feed the fire. Do this with compassion. Detach but understand. If you can do this, she will feel better afterward. Make it feel safe for her to vent to you....

Can you understand why I am advising you to do this?

[Allen A]

I don't know who I can trust with all this. I gave her parents the video, and they watched it. But she told me that her mom said "I should back off and talk to my own family for a while".

QS you are NOT LISTENIGN to what we are telling you here...

STOP going to your CHEATING WIFE for FACTS... she is NOT RELAIBLE...

Jesus man.. talk to her MOTHER YORUSELF.. why on EARTH are you listening to your wife's addicted spew.. she's in withdrawal right now ... get AWAY from her and STOP LISTENING to her BULL SHITE

And WHY on EARTH aren't YOU following UP with the video? Why are you waiting for her MOTEHR to call YOU???!!!

Her PARENTS need to be divorce busted FIRST... THEN you work on the wife man.. we TOLD you that several TIMES NOW...

GET YOUR ARSE AWAY form your WIFE and GET INVOLVED with her parents and make SURE they are EDUCATED... YOURSELF!!!

And this does NOT mean dropping off a video and sitting in a corner and WAITING to see what happens... that is NOT gonig to WORK

You GO to her parents place, run teh video and WATCH it.. WITH THEM!!!!! THEN you TALK to them AFTER its over a LOT!!!

Dropping a video off and hiding isn't going to educate anyone... FOLLOW THROUGH MAN!!!

The more you listen to your wife the LESS CONFIDENCE and HOPE you will HAVE...

STAY AWAY FROM HER.. we have TOLD YOU THAT SEVERAL TIMES!!!!

FOLLOW THE ADVICE OR STOP ASKING FOR IT!!!

[Quicksilver264]

Both her parents watched the video Allen, as well as read DR. They are on board with me. I have talked to both of them personally. They absolutely do not want to see a divorce.


HOWEVER, I caught my wife yesterday going through the initial stages of sign-up of a popular dating site.

She is still absolutely LIVID with me over exposing, and she said "all bets are off" with regard to our agreement of no dating during the in-house separation.

Its been almost 2 weeks since I exposed, and her anger has only intensified. She was gone all this past week, and I did not contact her one single time.

I barely spoke to her yesterday as well. She then came to me told me that she thinks we should go to counseling to ease the tension and smooth the divorce over. I had already made an appointment with a highly recommended counselor, so I told her about it.

I then later caught her signing up for a dating site and confronted her because we have an agreement. All Hell broke loose, and she just unleashed on me. I walked away after about 30 seconds, but she said some really hurtful things.

I don't think I have seen her this angry in about 5 years. She still texts the Facebook guy, but he wants nothing to do with her at all.

[TimeHeals]

She then came to me told me that she thinks we should go to counseling to ease the tension and smooth the divorce over.

Repeat after me: "I do not need a counselor to get a divorce. I am already seeing a counselor for my own personal reasons".


No more. She wants you to hire somebody to help you get divorced? That's what lawyers are for.

I then later caught her signing up for a dating site and confronted her because we have an agreement

What is this agreement? Is it a reasonable boundary like "I will not live with you if you are dating other people"?

If so, then tell her she has to move if that's what she wants to do.

Why do you not stay away from her like everybody asks? You could avoid some of this conflict if you just did that.

She still texts the Facebook guy, but he wants nothing to do with her at all.

Says who?

[Quicksilver264]

I am doing my best to stay away from her. She came to me, and the situation just deteriorated faster than I have ever seen.

One minute it was "I think we should see that counselor to smooth the tension between us and make the divorce easier" and the next it was "I am sooooo furious at you I just want to make your life a living Hell this whole time".

And then the "Well I was about to setup an online dating profile, and I don't care what agreement we had about dating. I WANT TO HAVE FUN". She then said she doesn't care what I think and it is "just my jealousy that she will be with other guys dating and sexually" that is making it hard.



I have never seen anger so deep from her as I have now. It seems to be all that she focuses on. And no 180 or DB I think would even make a dent in that. I get it, it has to be FOR ME. But I'm seeing very dark days ahead and it REALLY sucks.

She is in the "I hate him so much" stage I think. I really, really hope that this passes and things get easier.

And she does still text him because I see the online phone logs. But he never texts her back otherwise I would see it.