my story - gone, back, gone, back again? help

[Dayana]

You are right. When I think about taking him back on his terms then I feel sick with anxiety, and I feel like I am losing myself.

I told him yesterday that if he forces his way back in it won't feel good to me and less likely to result in success. He seemed to understand me more than usual but he said 'how long will it take'. He says he is tired of living alone, wants to be with the family and recommit. But also, the OW is still after him to come back and I suppose putting pressure on him so he is putting it on me. Well I can understand it, but it doesn't exactly feel like my idea of ideal reconciliation.

If I let him go now, he will move back in with her I suppose. Mostly I think I can handle it on my own account - the part i can't handle is that when he is with OW, he distances himself from the kids and is unreliable. I know that he is responsible for that, but I still feel like it will be my fault if this whole thing blows again and the kids yet again have to suffer for it.