2 weeks left to DB

[Barkley]

It's ok, I am running with the "hate" myself. If I was a bad guy, I would have justed punched my WW in the face by now

[Babydoll]

i think us LBS are entitled to feel "hatred"... doesnt that come with the territory?

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

I know, I'm a little quick on the recovery, I guess!

Yes, no specific OW in my sitch (that I know of) but maybe a few flings. . . who really knows? Distance is a GIFT. I make sure that I never ask him any questions about his life because I don't freaking want to know. Yes maybe not dbing but i don't care. I'd rather be happy!

I like your release letter. Now, NC as much as possible. How is that going?

[Piano]

Thanks everyone for stopping by. You are my sanity right now!

NC is going OK. I truly do not like my WH as he is and his actions and decisions disgust me to the core.

WH says he doesn't blame me for my outbursts during this time.

WH came over yesterday to see bub for one hour. My parents mediated. I never saw him, he never saw me. I went to bed (was sooo tired), but by 45 mins in I was feeling a bit distraught...missed my baby and was upset of course that my WH was downstairs being "alive" to others whereas is my life he is "dead".

Spoke to my therapists and they think it's normal the birth has brought up all the anger and pain of the betrayal and abandonment again and that it's likely to play out for a long time..specifically the first year of the baby's life...

They also said my anger was perfectly normal and I'm allowed to want to *kill* WH, just as long as I don't do it!! They explained that love and hate are two sides of the one coin.

WH leaves next week for Europe. 7 days with OW is actually 10 days. Yeah, she must be walking on eggshells. But hey, WH is turning up to see her 4 weeks after his beautiful baby is born..I'd find his expediency reassuring if I were her!

[Piano]

Try to leave off emailing him and pointing out his inconsistencies - you are merely reinforcing his huge sense of inadequacy. It is easier for him to blame you for what goes wrong than to blame himself. Blaming himself would mean taking responsibility which he doesn't want to do. Denial is a powerful aid to avoiding yourself. My WH is a master at it. It's like he is Jekyll and Hyde - is able to totally deny things that he did or said even if they were yesterday. A counsellor once told me this is a self-protective mechanism - facing up to the truth of what my H has done would probably make him go into such a depression he would not find his way out. I believe this to be quite likely and have seen this happen for brief periods when he opens his eyes - he quickly shuts them again though as he doesn;t like what he sees.

Dayana, this is spot on. My WH is incapable of holding up the mirror. His whole life - his inner construction - would crumble.

I'm going to look up your thread. Hugs!

[Piano]

Seeing Red, g'day!
1. I know his father's parents stayed married..before that, not sure. WH's maternal grandfather had a 20 year affair (spent half the week with his mistress at her house).
2. Yes
3. Mostly agree. Some of it is true, but most is crap.
4. This is my main focus. I realise WH is probably never coming back.
5. I think most of them think WH has done a bad thing or had a nervous breakdown of some sort because they know his family history. I'm getting tired of updating them on the Alien's latest moves. Seems like I am doing all the work.
6. Why do we have to vent her and not to the person who has done the dirty deeds, esp if we are not sure we want them back? Remind me again !!!

Cannot believe your WH's family legacy.. that's nuts! I like your idea of reprogramming the pattern for your son. I need to repattern things for my daughter - my mother was left by my father who had a 4 year affair, and now I have been left by my WH in similar circumstances. I am going to teach her to chose a stable man with good values if she want's a good family life!

About BIL and MIL. BIL does not want MIL under same roof. They also have a strained realtionship. So my idea of everybody living together is looking like it's not going to work...

[Piano]

WH is coming to get the last of his stuff today.
I will make myself scarce.
I will also leave some forms to do with the baby, for him to look at, and sign if he likes. Have left some blanks - the child's name, for example!! lol!
He leaves for Europe in 3 days. It's not my fault if I can't decide on a name before then & he's pushing off to start his new life.

[Piano]

Just been over at Newmama's thread in Surving the Big D...
Choked up about the things she finally told her WH about the hurt he caused her in leaving her and her son.
Makes me want to tell my WH how much he is hurting me again - especially how because of the separation we cannot even bond over our new -and first - baby!

Just kills me.

[v1olin]

I cannot imagine what that must be like for a woman to lose her husband while pregnant.

I raised our 2.5 year old daughter from the time she was 6 weeks old until she was 8 months old. My now ExW and I made a decision that I would work less and she would continue her career. I kept her out of daycare to save money. I still worked at night as much as I could. I taught her to sit up, roll from her tummy to her back, crawl, and some basic sign language. I could measure her 6 oz bottle by feeling the weight in my hand. We bonded deeply. I was completely crushed when I got the bomb and moved out of our house.

That is the only way I can relate, as a man. I hope it helps you to know that you are not alone in missing out on the raising of your baby with the one person that made it possible.

[Piano]

Thanks for sharing, v1olin, and I am so sorry that happened to you. I really feel for you.

I feel like my husband died 9 months ago - like he went to sea and never came back, or if the plane that was bringing him here to me to start our new life exploded mid air. I am obviously having trouble reconciling the man I called my best friend with the broken WH that he is now, making choices which are beyond my comprehension.

I guess this is all about Emotion though, isn't it? Not logic.

How do I draw my husband back to me and the baby?

With Emotion...