You and OW are competing for his support outlet...
What do I say?
Let her do it...
You work on learning how to make a great marrige and getting done school... If your H wants to blow his life away let him...
I still say expose that woman at her University... make sure all her students know she's pursuing a married man and violating a family... but I appear to be in the minority on that one... lol
When he wants help? What do you do about it?
Example? You mean he asks for it, or does he walk around sighing and groaning about his pain?
HUSBAND : I am in a lot of pain
WIFE : Yup, cheating on your wife and child will put a strain on your head wont it?
I would take advantage of it to throw a truth dart at him... If he goes to OW and wants to whine at her, let him... She'll get sick of it eventually... You are earning a grad degree while she baby sits your overgrown child of a husband... She won't like that setup long term... Particularly if she's being publically humiliated in the process... she will realize you are using HER and get rid of him I would figure
I still say expose that woman at her University... make sure all her students know she's pursuing a married man and violating a family... but I appear to be in the minority on that one... lol
I want to do this... just haven't gotten up enough nerve yet.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
When he wants help? What do you do about it?
Example? You mean he asks for it, or does he walk around sighing and groaning about his pain?
HUSBAND : I am in a lot of pain
WIFE : Yup, cheating on your wife and child will put a strain on your head wont it?
Actually both examples happen.. he will ASK for help, but it's a very rare thing.. usually it's moaning and groaning and not coming up with any ways to help himself. And I like that particular truth dart so much, I've used it - several times. I need a new one.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
If he goes to OW and wants to whine at her, let him... She'll get sick of it eventually... You are earning a grad degree while she baby sits your overgrown child of a husband... She won't like that setup long term... Particularly if she's being publically humiliated in the process... she will realize you are using HER and get rid of him I would figure
I'm hoping this will happen, but don't see it as likely. He's been using her as his complaint/enabling system for over a year, and she's got a strong BS tolerance. Her family is a piece of work and yet she hasn't done anything to extract herself from her own situation she's been in for years. I think in this case SHE's using HIM as well as the other way around, and he doesn't see that yet.
Objects at rest tend to stay at rest unless acted on by an outside force..... If miss biology professor hasn't figured that one out yet, she deserves to be exposed at the university.
And since the FT is a professor for the same university, I want his opinion of a colleague acting this way. Just gotta come up with the money for a session first.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
you may find the FT will see you for an intro session for free... It all depends on how interesting your case is... And how busy he is...
He - and I hadn't thought of that. I'll have to call and ask on Monday. So far we've just exchanged generalities through email and he's given me the rates info and everything..I know he does research papers.. throw in the schizophrenia and IC issues and he may be interested enough to talk to me without payment for the first session.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Exactly, in my opinion you should get your first session free anyhow... You need the kick the tires before you buy the car... Professionals are so arrogant sometimes, they think because they have a degree that their services are automatically of great value and don't need to be reviewed by the consumer first... It's not the FT, its the whole industry... They just don't know how to run a fair business and there is no standard to go by...
I would call him up and ask him if he would be willing to sit with you for one hour so you can get an understanding of how he would go about dealing with your situation...
Left a message for FT. Hope he gets back to me soon.
I had an odd convo with H last night. Basically it went something like this:
H: I have plans to go out tomorrow (Monday) night. M: I am going to ask MIL if she'll watch DD then. H: Why? M: I'm going to be gone all day. H: Um.. if you don't have gas in the car how are you getting anywhere? M: I'll walk. [I refrained from pointing out that HE was using gas he didn't need to.. been that road before to no avail] H: Oh..... where to? M: Too far to have DD walk with me. H: But... you said you'd be gone all day? M: Yeah, I have plans to be gone all day. H: oh.... well, I should have explained going out was tentative, I don't know if I'll feel up to it. M: Thank you for clarifying. [conversation ended]
My head is so turned around where H is concerned I just don't know what to think about this. Is it worth thinking about?
I should say, I tabled my plans due to extreme heat.. but I am still planning on going out in the evening when it starts to cool off, but I haven't told H that.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
In my opionion you should be moving all responsabilities AWAY from him other than his OWN (let him do his own laundry and cook his own meals)
It doens't matter if he's gonig to be home, arrange to have someone watcy your D anyways... it tells HIM he's not RELAIBLE... He will make a stink about it...
You just tell him, you aren't honest or reliable.. and walk away
You also don't need to tell him when you are going out or where...
And who's car is it? If its yours, tell him to get his own and have the car locked down so he can't use it
In my opionion you should be moving all responsabilities AWAY from him other than his OWN (let him do his own laundry and cook his own meals)
Working on this now.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
It doens't matter if he's gonig to be home, arrange to have someone watcy your D anyways... it tells HIM he's not RELAIBLE... He will make a stink about it...
Actually - he's asked for now that I not leave DD with him alone for extended periods. He likes it if his Mom is there to help because he feels he can't take care of her completely on his own with his current pain issues...I've talked to MIL about not enabling, but she feels bad when H looks at her with the puppy dog eyes. ARGH.
So I am now going to start automatically asking MIL to watch DD without worrying about him. And as a result of not wanting to leave DD with H, I've also been taking DD out with me a LOT more than I used to which all serves to show him that he won't be around her much if we do things his way.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
You also don't need to tell him when you are going out or where...
I still feel the need for common courtesy about the going out thing.. even though I feel like he doesn't deserve it, it's just too ingrained into me to not let someone know I won't be around for a while... maybe I should re-think that stance.
As far as the questioning on where: we had a discussion about this tonight. I told him I don't appreciate a grilling on my plans and I feel that by doing so he was questioning my right to do what I wanted, a right he is using as a reason for doing everything. He at first denied asking me. Then he admitted he did, but his opinion is that by asking he's showing he worries about me.. blah blah blah... I told him by his reasoning he can't ever get annoyed with me again about asking his whereabouts, and left it at that.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
And who's car is it? If its yours, tell him to get his own and have the car locked down so he can't use it
We each have a car. His just happens to have a gigantic fuel tank and gets really good gas mileage. Mine has a tiny gas tank, but gets good gas mileage. Even with his running around, I run out of gas before he does, and therefore I limit my movements accordingly. He does NOT. And since I don't have my own income yet, he doesn't let me know how much money he has till I ask for gas money.. ooops... not enough for gas cause H did other stuff with it... gee thanks. I can't wait to get a job again.
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Well, there is some interesting news when I checked the cell records tonight... since I set the boundary about H being disrespectful by carrying on phone calls with OW in front of me and DD, H has only had 4 phone calls of more than 1 min in length with OW in the past 5 days (had been TONS more) and two of those were her calling him (and none of them were in front of me).. I KNOW he still chats with her like crazy when she's online, but I'm surprised he has somewhat tried to respect this boundary.. a little glimmer of hope flames, but I know I can't rely on it till he respects me enough to end the contact all together.
Last edited by elvencat; 06/22/1005:30 AM.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
