Need help Busting Affair.

[elvencat]

Don't wait for him to want to go... Print up articles on marriage therapy for yourself, LEAVE them lying AROUND in YOUR WORK AREA.. I guarantee you he will read them... When you aren't there...

Bring Family Therapy to your HOME, don't wait for the mountain to come to Mohammed... (I think I got that right)

Don't try to educate him, print up what you want him to learn and leave it around so he can learn it at his own pace... In his own way...

Agree here. I think H finally realizes I am resolved to go whether he attends or not because of how much research I've told him I put into it, and I haven't made it yet because I've tried to beg and borrow the money for the first session, but my friends and relatives are in as bad or worse of a financial state as I am in and can't help (the ones who can have already helped me out a time or three and can't help anymore). My next step is to talk to the FT about possible deferment of payment. He doesn't have a sliding scale, though he does have reasonable rates for his services, and will take insurance if you have it. I just can't afford it.

I am busting butt trying to get a good job so I can, and so I can be financially self-sufficient again... I don't think I explained on this thread, but on newcomers I explained I don't have a job at the moment because I went to grad school this past winter and H and I worked out a way to live on my student loans and his disability because the job I had was so stressful I couldn't handle school, home and work. And then he dropped bomb2. I screwed up in school because I got so depressed about stuff and now I'm working with the school to figure out how to get back on track. H is paying most of the bills at the moment from his disability check and what we can't pay, his mom is helping with. It's a sad sitch, and I wish I'd found this site last fall... I may never have ended up in this financial spot.. but no use thinking what if. Gotta deal with the way things are now.

The probelms in your marriage aren't just the affair.. Your Husband needs to GROW UP.... YOU need to BACK OFF so he DOES his OWN WORK and CAN grow up...

IGNORE HIM and his PROBLEMS until he stops CHEATING... You are ENABLING HIM... The message you are sending right now is :

a. I cheat on her
b. She does my homework for me

Is THIS the MESSAGE you want him to GET?

DETACH from him and his drama until he STOPS CHEATING

I see this so often, someone turns the marriage upside down with a painful affair, the LBS wants the spouse back so bad they start HELPING him as MUCH as they CAN...

This is called CO DEPENDENCY and its NOT HEALTHY for you two... BREAK it OFF NOW

Yes, I agree I'm having problems with enabling. I've known that for a long time because of us going through hell with his schizophrenia so many years ago... and I was always there to take care of him instead of giving him a kick in the pants. I think when DD was born, and I quit giving him so much of my time and energy because I had to give it to her, is honestly when this all started in his head. I actually said that once during this past winter, and boy did he get P*SS*D when I said it. I think I hit a major nerve he didn't want to acknowledge.

OW is now the "unconditional enabler" and now I'm the one trying to jumpstart his own self-sufficiency.. (which in and of itself is an enabling behavior because he then doesn't see things for himself).. it's been hard for me to let go of enabling behavior when I know that is what he expects and it's what my habit has been for so many years.

But let me explain that I really haven't helped him with the research for his current pain issues. He's done plenty enough of that on his own. So has OW... before he came clean about her, he'd say OW found this out, OW knows this.. (she's a biology instructor and thinks she knows how to figure out anything, because she went to CalTech... for one year.. WOW *note sarcasm*).

Anyway, I brought out the licensure thing not as a way to help him, but as in a way to point out the therapy thing because I knew he'd ask how and why I found the site. He can do with the site what he will. I just wanted an opening to make the hit about the ONLY two Family Therapists licensed in the county.

Currently, I think my worst enabling behavior is, when H says "I can't do anything because I hurt too much," I jump in and try to give him ideas on things he CAN do. I've noticed all that does is

1. Annoy him (as in, I can figure things out myself why are you trying to tell me what to do)
2. Give him a little boost of "yeah, she is so into helping me and it doesn't matter what I do she'll always be there"

I'm trying to restrain myself from doing this.. but do you have an alternative approach rather than saying sorry and walking away? Which is what I've been doing, but it still leaves me feeling awkward.

I'm trying to catch myself in enabling behavior and stop it because I agree that it is NOT healthy. I'm just having a hard time seeing it when I do it because I've done it for so long.