This is the letter W wrote to me and gave me to drop the D bomb.
Dan, This is a difficult letter to write, but I have a hard time putting things/feelings into words. I do not want to play the blame game. We both know how we got to where we are and the roles we played in it. You have apologized and I know I should have been more assertive in expressing my needs. I continue to struggle with this.
If I start from the beginning, I met you at a time in my life when I was hurt over a prior relationship and had suffered the shocking loss of my Dad. I had fun with you and you filled a void I had at that time. I knew I was not crazy infatuated - "head over heels", but it didn't matter. I wanted someone to spend time with, have fun with and who liked me. I was ok with all the sex in the beginning, because, unfortunately, I equated that with self-worth.
There were concerns I had from the beginning, such as your lack of patience, you being easily irritated by little things, you being unhappy/angry when you didn't have weed. I tried to ignore them and tried to make you happy. I decided the good outweighed the bad.
When I left our first house for a few days, before we were married, it wasn't just because of you marijuana use and lack of help running a household, but also because I had serious doubts about the depth of my feelings for you. I wondered if my feelings were deep enough to sustain a relationship for a lifetime. When I saw how devastated you were, I could not take it. I never want to feel responsible for making anyone so miserable. I came back because I wanted to make you happy and thought I loved you enough to be able to work it out. You apologized, and for a little bit, helped more, etc.
Before the summer of 1995, I thought about where our relationship was headed. I felt we invested a lot of time together and had been building a life and a home together. I decided I wanted children and felt that since you loved me, I could have that life with you. I was happy to be marrying you (she proposed to me in summer '95) but still had a few doubts about the way our relationship was and hoped I could remain happy and content with my decision. I felt very secure when we were married. I felt we could be together forever. I really felt I made the right choice. I trusted you, you were a good provider, smart, fun, etc.
I don't want to belabor all of what went wrong and I know you have heard it all before. I know it makes you angry when some things are brought-up repeatedly. Again, I don't want to blame anymore. I am only trying to sort out, in my own mind, when things started to go wrong. I don't want to go on and on about our sex life and how demanding it was to me, but just tell you how it made me feel and why. I felt I wasn't worthy of your help during the day, patience, listening, talking, doing things as a family, but at night, I was always good enough to have sex with. It didn't matter if I had an infection, stomach ache, headache, whatever, it was still expected. At one point I told you the Dr. said my frequent infections could be caused by too much sex. It didn't seem to matter to you. This added to my poor self esteem issues. Obviously, I felt I didn't matter.
I first discovered the porn thing when I was pregnant. this was another blow to my self esteem, especially knowing I'm pregnant and big, and still giving it up (sex) on a regular basis, no matter how uncomfortable. Even still, you had to be doing the porn. I had a lot of anger and hurt over that. Since I addressed this with you several time, and you did not care enough to stop it, this turned to disgust and anger. It is hard to have sex with someone when you are wondering what they saw on the internet and add to that the resentment of being tired and overwhelmed by all of my responsibilities at home.
I feel blessed and so lucky that we have two healthy, wonderful children. I know you love them, also. My feelings changed for you after watching your relationship with them. When you were nice to them and acted like you cared, did things with them, etc. it made me feel closer to you and more receptive to your sexual advances. I have a lot of hurt and frustration regarding this area of our lives. I won't go into more details, but cannot begin to express my disappointment and sadness I have felt over the years regarding your lack of attachment and interest in the kids.
Now to the present day. I know you have made so many significant changes, at my request. You've helped me more, backed-off on the sex, spent more time with the kids. I appreciate that. I have forgiven you and I hope you can forgive me for things I've done and said over the years that may have hurt you.
As I've told you, I've been unhappy with the way things have been for many years. Unfortunately, that has taken a toll on my feelings for you. I've told you this, but it must be so hard for you to understand since you don't feel the same way. I care about you as a person and the father of my children. I cannot be the wife you want me to be, I do not love you like that and haven't for quite a while. It doesn't matter how that happened, it just is. If I could change it, I would. I've struggled with these feelings for a long time and it is not fair to you or me. I do not want any intimacy with you and I know that is not going to change. I'm tired of feeling this way and can't go on continuing in this marriage just to try to please you. I don't deserve this and neither do you.
I have started the paperwork for a divorce. I can't even imagine how difficult this will be, but I also can't imagine continuing to live my life this way.
I hope you will think of the kids and their well-being from this day forward. Please, their entire future depends on how we handle this. I know you are really hurting right now - so am I. Don't let our hurt be at the children's expense. We must consider the kids every step of the way and also respect each other and the years we had. Neither of us are bad people. I am begging you to keep them your focus and how we are all going to get through this. I will always be there for you, just can't be there for you in the capacity you want me to.
When we are ready, we can discuss more details as it related to the kids, living arrangements, telling the kids, sleeping arrangements, vacation, etc.
Brenda
Just broke down crying while typing the end of that letter.
Anyone care to share any thoughts about my chances considering what was said in this letter?
