Went out with my brother and his friends last night. A few drinks, then dinner, then a bunch of more drinks and went to a club that was jam-packed and had lots of good-looking younger women. Made me sick to think about starting all over again and I ended up leaving and breaking down crying. Texted W at 1:15am "Miss u. Too old for this [censored]. Remember that." How desperate and needy can you get? Sabotaged myself again. Somehow, I just can't help myself.
Today has been bad too. Broke down crying a few times. I don't know if I am going to be strong enough to do this. I can't even stand to think about moving and starting all over. W is out with friends today and tonight. Told me she is planning to come home, but it will be very late. I said whatever. Took the kids fishing for a while, but very windy today and no fish biting.
I saw someone asking about wearing a wedding ring in another thread. When W dropped the D bomb on June 5th, I offered mine to her, but she didn't take it. She still had hers on for a couple of days after that, but then I asked her if it meant anything that she still had it on. No answer, so I said, "I would have thought since you are divorcing me, you would have taken it off." Then I got on my knees and apologized one last time and pleaded for her to reconsider. She paid her attorney's retainer the next morning (Monday) and filed for D that week. I took my ring off on Wednesday and noticed that she had taken hers off too.
Gotta find something to do with the kids tonight to take my mind off of it or I am going to go insane.
