Coach just told me that he thinks you should text tonight and say "I know what you're up to, and I sure hope it's worth it." He says he thinks you have enough dots to connect that she is up to nothing good. He says that is what he would do.
He says he would send that text and don't respond to anything she sends back or any calls. Let her come home to it. If you're right, good move. If you're wrong, you tell her "W, flowers, sex candy, out of town on your bday with a friend I don't know, you don't say where, bring a bathing suit, out of town to see cousins next, ...lots of dots and I'm not the only one who thinks it adds up to an A. I couldn't sit by knowing what I thought it was and not fight for you." Coach also said that if she denies it, you should ask her to lay her phone out to you and let you see what's on it right then and there. Her reaction to that will tell you a lot, too.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
CD, I don't necessarily disagree with Coach on his suggestion (above). I think it is an idea with merit. It really comes down to where you are at gut level. Are you seeing an A as clearly as we are? See, we are not THERE and we only know what we read here. My approach would be to wait and gather intel after she gets home. But see by then, if it is an A, it's too late. With Coach's approach, you may bust it up before she goes too far. I hope this isn't confusing you - we hope that we're giving you something to THINK about and consider for yourself. Just trying to be helpful. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Yea he just called she is giving him a little bit of guilt thing to him tonight. That it wouldnt of happened if he just would of talked to her more.I told him that he has to take it fo a little while but start setting up boundries.
She told him she wanted to get her number changed so he wont call her anymore.
I guess she told him that she does not want me coming over to their house for a few weeks.Because she is embarrised that me and a couple other people know the whole stich. She allso told him that me and cousin shouln't talk for a few weeks.
Cousin told me tonight thanks for being spot on and sorry he was not their for me more when i went through my stich and said he understans now what hell i went through.
Sounds like you now have some friends to lean on the OM in your situation... when communities get educated TWolf they DO help each other.. a large part of this is the WS not educated how wreckless their straying is and the LBS not educated in how to handle the wrecklessness...
The more people you help TWolf the better..
My advice? Go over there anyways and talk to his WS.. tell her your WIFE is doing the SAME DAMN THING to YOU... educate her, she may even talk to your wife for you.... who knows...
She shouldn't be embarassed... not with you anyhow, you are living it right now yourself... she has nothing to hide
Well, I'm seeing all the indicators but no matter how slim, there is a chance that these dots don't line up exactly as it appears. So I have a hesitation that if I "cry wolf" I'll only embarass my self and make my position weaker. If it is an affair, though it's closer to deal breakerthan EA, I'll then have a W with a lot more guuilt and work to do when the A goes sideways, as they invariably do. I'll add to the pressure this week by using the time to get legal advice and "make the appointments' or 'get the paper' ready and present it as 'I am now done'. If Option A is no longer available and she sees the actual cost to this in real terms, SHE will feel the pressure rather than me. And I need to know that something is happening.
Either we are moving forward with the separation/divorce so I can get moving on my life without worrying that she is continuing to erode us financially; we continue to wait it out with CLEAR boundaries and protections established for D and I; along with actionable consequences for crossing a boundary; or, she sees a chance and 'legally' commits to working on this.
In any caase, the boundaries and protections need to be established so that MY exit position doesn't deterorate at her benefit. She is trying to be single without the costs. She is "cake eating" as is so commanly mentioned in other threads.
Coach just told me that he thinks you should text tonight and say "I know what you're up to, and I sure hope it's worth it." He says he thinks you have enough dots to connect that she is up to nothing good. He says that is what he would do.
He says he would send that text and don't respond to anything she sends back or any calls. Let her come home to it. If you're right, good move. If you're wrong, you tell her "W, flowers, sex candy, out of town on your bday with a friend I don't know, you don't say where, bring a bathing suit, out of town to see cousins next, ...lots of dots and I'm not the only one who thinks it adds up to an A. I couldn't sit by knowing what I thought it was and not fight for you." Coach also said that if she denies it, you should ask her to lay her phone out to you and let you see what's on it right then and there. Her reaction to that will tell you a lot, too.
Greek
This!! ^
Absolutely agree. Even covers your a$$ with the " . . . and not fight for you" construction. What woman could argue with that??
The idea is to RUIN HER PLANS, and let it eat at her. That's what "infidelitus interruptus" is all about. No, we can't control them when they're wayward, but nowhere does it say we have to sit by and let them ENJOY it.
She is trying to be single without the costs. She is "cake eating" as is so commanly mentioned in other threads.
So quantify the costs that are wayward-/affair-related, and let her know you'll no longer pay for those items. For me, it was her cellphone, tummy-tuck credit card payments, hair coloring, lingerie -- anything she was using to make herself more attractive for another man and not her husband.
What are your financial arrangements currently? Who pays for what? Who paid for the bathing suit? The sex toy(s)?
Whe she dropped the bomb, I drew up a Conditions of Seperation Agreement with more specifics than the standard web available crap. She asked where I got it. said I wrote it. She disagreed. I showed her the pen written rough copy. I told her I'd like her input and not expecting her to sign it right now. She said she wouldn't anyway. It had interim banking; how we would self-direct the dissolution; Calla comes !st in everything; no duelling lawyers, etc. And she hasn't done anything about it since. Limbo land. Since that time she has been more "concerned" with our banking but I now can also see that as self interest, too. My original intention was to split even" but her reluctance to match my act of dumping an RSP into our account to keep us afloat leads me to believe ther is extreme selfishness happening so my counter-action will be to show that ALL the equity put as the down payment on this new house was MINE in the previous house (my old house). Keep your RSP and I'll keep the equity in this house. We'll split the debt. And this situation only strengthens my view and position. Add that I have her email showing she was thinking about Divorce before we bought this place (4 mos pregnant; married almost a year) even has a gold-digger feel. And I ain't gold. But had more than her. In addition, she's spending 600 of ours to do a warranty claim on her truck tires (new tires for her) and asked me to look into Extended Warranty for the truck. I'm sure as h#ll not paying half of the warranty on "her" truck. Cut her costs for her? Not bloody likely.
PDT- I'm beginning to lean toward this postion too as I haven't heard boo from her since 6 pm yesterday (24 hrs). My though t is that since she told me her concern that "Amanda" had a surprise outing for her that involved her to pack some clothes and a bathing suit, I would set the tone like this-
CD- So what was Amanda's big surprise?"
W- (Either of these is likely) a-Don't know yet b-(some other incredulous story) c-something that actually DOES some plausible.
If A or B, I come back with:
CD- Well I have one. Your words and actions don't add up. I know what you're really up to. I hope it's worth the amount of disrespect you are showing me: our family: and Calla."
And then go completely dark til tomorrow.
Nothing short of her showing up here will change that.
If I'm wrong, this will be somewhat rude. And I can only hope that I can recover with "flowers, sex candy, 'wherever' on your bday with a friend I don't know, you don't say where, bring a bathing suit, Kelowna to see cousin next in a condo I've never heard of before, ...lots of dots and I'm not the only one who thinks it adds up to an A. I couldn't sit by knowing what I thought it was and not fight for you."
This scares the h#ll out of me cause it's ALL OR NOTHING and I hate being painted into this corner.
Can somebody PLEASE respond with something before I push the "button"? I don't want to do this wrong.
It also came to me that I might also add 'When this all started I was all for us getting some time and space to think this through and rediscover ourselves. But if this is the K**** you were looking for, I won't participate any longer"
I sent a response to Puppy who agreed with you. I'd also like to add that I'm asking your opinion about adding "Don't confuse patience and understanding with doormat"
I need to text VERY soon (it's almost 7 pm here) so if I'm gonna get a good chance to prevent, I need some reassurance quickly.
PDT- I'm beginning to lean toward this postion too as I haven't heard boo from her since 6 pm yesterday (24 hrs). My though t is that since she told me her concern that "Amanda" had a surprise outing for her that involved her to pack some clothes and a bathing suit, I would set the tone like this-
CD- So what was Amanda's big surprise?"
W- (Either of these is likely) a-Don't know yet b-(some other incredulous story) c-something that actually DOES some plausible.
If A or B, I come back with:
CD- Well I have one. Your words and actions don't add up. I know what you're really up to. I hope it's worth the amount of disrespect you are showing me: our family: and Calla."
And then go completely dark til tomorrow.
Nothing short of her showing up here will change that.
If I'm wrong, this will be somewhat rude. And I can only hope that I can recover with "flowers, sex candy, 'wherever' on your bday with a friend I don't know, you don't say where, bring a bathing suit, Kelowna to see cousin next in a condo I've never heard of before, ...lots of dots and I'm not the only one who thinks it adds up to an A. I couldn't sit by knowing what I thought it was and not fight for you."
This scares the h#ll out of me cause it's ALL OR NOTHING and I hate being painted into this corner.
Can somebody PLEASE respond with something before I push the "button"? I don't want to do this wrong.
It also came to me that I might also add 'When this all started I was all for us getting some time and space to think this through and rediscover ourselves. But if this is the K**** you were looking for, I won't participate any longer"
Greek's/Coach's is much better. If you're going to make a statement, MAKE A STATEMENT -- don't preface it with some phony opportunity for her to just lie to you.
