Today I was going to my class and I got a flat tire. I have a spare but the tire that was on is a custom rim and uses different lugs than the spare does so I couldn't use it. I called h and asked if he could bring me a can of flat fix. He sounded very glad that i called, and was very interested in helping me. We have had no contact in 3 weeks. He said he was going to work that way so he could bring it . He tried using the flat fix but it didn't work. I said "that's ok I'll call AAA auto and they can tow it home". H said he was sorry he couldn't fix it for me. He asked if I liked the gift he got our son for finishing the school year. I said yes it is very nice. He didn't look as good as I thought he would more gray hair and gray beard. When he was leaving he gave me a KISS on lips goodbye. I was sooo happy. I touched his hand too, I really miss touching him. I am continuing to focus on my life and if he calls he calls, but I won't sit around waiting. I am really working on GAL and not focusing on him.
Keep the momentum going in this direction...this is the strongest post I have seen of yours to date...no wishy/washy or pity-party going on...be strong and keep moving!
Hope you are doing well. That is so great you and h are back together. What do you think was the best db thing that you did. Detaching and GAL? My class ended today. I have to find more work and keep busy. My son is doing pretty well. I have been looking for work for him or possibly a college course I July in film making, he has a real interest in that. How is your family doing? Thanks for the reply.
In my experience, continuing to have minimal contact is one of the riskier strategies. Unfortunately it is the one that, intuitively, seems to make the most sense. So let‘s take it apart a little and see if I can help you understand why this strategy has the power to be destructive to the goal of saving your marriage.
Minimal contact that is conflicted and adversarial does nothing to heal the relationship; it only serves to drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner. I think we‘d all agree that‘s pretty obvious. What may no t be so obvious is that minimal adversarial contact has possibly a more adverse affect on the betrayed mate than the one having the affair. Remember the Great Race that I mentioned earlier ? Adversarial and conflicted contact is very likely to accelerate the betrayed partner‘s readiness to throw in the towel.
Minimal contact that is calm and courteous, then, seems like the best possible solution. Instinctively and intuitively it‘s what you‘ ll be driven by your own attachment chemistry to maintain. Don‘t be fooled. Minimal courteous contact can be deadly. A few thing s happen which, combined, create a dangerous biochemical time bomb.
First, you send a loud and clear message to your spouse that the affair really isn‘t all that devastating to you. After all, if yo u can inter act pleasantly, then you must be doing just fine. You must be accepting the inevitable break up of your marriage. Even if you have said something to the contrary, your actions are where the real message lies.
Second, you derail the attachment chemistry we want to trigger in your spouse. When a relationship is threatened (even a relationship we claim to no longer want) the instinctive reaction is to find it suddenly more attractive. But in order for this to happen there must be a perceived threat to the status quo. When you remain in contact and you give the appearance of being calm and at peace, there is no perceived threat to the relationship.
Think about this... long and hard... is the above the message you want to send when you continue to interact with your husabnd after all these games?
