I tried, I changed, but still am getting divorced!

[newmama]

Now I was texting WH tonight about the wine. I felt like I should let him know that I was digging into the stash. Technically, he told me that he only wanted the love seat and roll top desk and tools. But still, I know that we had maybe $500 worth of red wine in our wine fridge and it wouldn't be right of me to just take it all.

So I asked him if he wanted any and he said he would like a couple of bottles. Then the next text was from me saying
"we can waive the 90 days you know."

he replied that he didn't know that but that he wanted me to be covered by his insurance until I went back to work (in 2 months). I reminded him that he can cover an ex wife and he said yes, for $400 extra per month. If I wanted to waive the 90 days he would do that though. So I told him no, I don't want to waste money. (Money that is wasted is taken from our S. And from OW I guess but our S is part of the equation.)

So then I asked him "is that why you didn't file for so long- because you wanted to make sure I was covered by your insurance? I am asking honestly, not being snotty."

He replied "No. Honestly I waited because I knew it would be the hardest thing I've ever done and I never was looking forward to it."

me: "you were thinking about how hard it would be for you? it had nothing to do with you not being sure?"

him: "hard for me and hard on you and yes,lots of uncertainty."

me:"Thank you for being honest. I think you probably can remember how you felt when A left you and wanted a divorce. So that is 1/2 of what I am going thru."
"did you tell your work yet?"

him: "I've told some of them. Maybe everyone knows by now by the way people talk. I don't know they don't say much at least when I'm around. There will always be some doubt in my mind whether I am making the right decision. Just to be completely honest with you."

so then I went on to let him know how I felt (not in a nasty way, just matter of fact. due to DBing rules, I NEVER got the chance to tell him this whole time! (I chose not to)).

him: "I'm sorry. I know I've hurt you badly and I truly am sorry. I know that doesn't make you feel any better."

So I said some other stuff and then he called me about half an hour later. He said it was better than us texting back and forth. I explained that I wasn't planning on telling him all of this stuff right now; it just is coming up. (truth!)

I was calm and just told him things like how ultimately I will be fine and happy with someone else but that I am so confused and hurt as to why he just didn't tell me he was unhappy and wanted to be with OW before we conceived our son or even right after. He said it wasn't cut and dry.

I said I don't regret the time we had together but it was just cut short because he wouldn't give us a chance. And other stuff. I was calm, crying sometimes, and said how I would never have another baby because I don't want S to feel like "the half son" and that I never got to experience the bonding and joy and love with him while being with our son, like I saw at the zoo today. I said it hurts so much to know he and OW probably share bonding moments over him but I just block it out of my mind and try not to think about it.

I told him that I am just saying these things not because I was trying to talk him out of anything- but because I just need him to hear it and to hear me.

Of course he had nothing to say. "I'm sorry, There is nothing I can say to help you feel better, I know."

Sure there is "you're right. how can I make it up to you? let's make this work!"

I feel better though.