Said she was mad, that she was "sucked in" again because we were spending time together, and that I was right in my response. Said she was mad that I could still affect her that way, that she's still trying to get my attention, and that she felt rejected.
Let's see, she suggests these outings but she was "sucked in"! She left the marriage but is still trying to get your attention and feels rejected by you. Oh boo hoo for her, the lady who can take no responsibility for her own choices and actions! Just do a crossword puzzle or something, Geronimo. Don't give her any more control over your evening. She's really pissing me off! How dare she try to use you as her friggin' therapist, send her a bill for your time.
Yeah well, talked to a fried for a good while, now going out and seeing a friend's Beatles tribute band. Funny how things get better when you don't dwell.
What she's doing on her own is none of your damned business, and you don't have any right getting all pissy because she is possibly making plans through a dating site or with an OM.
You've got your own TM scenario's that you like to play around with, so there is a bit of hypocrisy there.
The thing that pisses me off about you the most is this...
You actually have a shot at one day having a restored marriage with a woman that you are clearly still in love with.
But you can't get past your hurt and betrayal long enough to give it a chance. You just HAVE to get your little dig back at her.
Then you come here and pontificate the great mysteries...
There are two camps here giving you fairly contradictory messages, maybe that's the problem. Some are telling you "To hell with her, she divorced you, don't have anything to do with her." Then the other camp, which I guess may be only me, is saying that if you can find a way through your hurt and anger at her, you might actually find that there is still a marriage to save.
It just doesn't happen all at once - which is probably what you're looking for when you start thinking positively about the two of you.
Remember the falling in love process? I mean the one BEFORE you were ever even dating. The one where you were trying to catch her eye, her attention....where you were trying to make her notice and desire you.
You're kind of in that stage when it comes to a potential future relationship.
Your problem is that when you start having happy thoughts, you want things to be the way they were the last time you were happly married.
Not going to happen.
Sigh....
So here is my official white flag...I will join the others in saying to leave the woman alone and stop facilitating these quasi-family activities.
Because you can't handle it.
Blessings,
Bill
Last edited by Bworl; 06/19/1011:17 AM.
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hey, Geronimo, I admit I skipped through some pages in the middle but let me say that I totally can see how easy it would be to get sucked in to a stbx's pull! If my stbxH started acting like your W I can't say that I would be strong enough to resist. I hope others would admit their weakness too- if we don't want the divorce, we can settle for crumbs.
Heck maybe you wanted a break from the DB rules and techniques. I know I do! WHich is why I talked to my stbxh last night!
But here is what is happening: your stbxw doesn't know what she wants, she is all over the place, sending mixed signals, and DB strategy or not- the way to deal with someone who is tossing us around like that is a 180 or NC.
Take a time out. Take a break. It doesn't have to be forever but she needs to stabilize and so do you! I will follow my own advice, I swear!
Now let us know how the tribute band was.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
What newmama said! I couldn't have said it any better. But, DB strategy is not necessarily to ignore, cut off all contact, go dark (Dbers often so misuse going dark) etc. it is to try things but cut your losses when they don't work and try something else and if something is working, keep it up! Yet, with any strategy you have to have a goal, I don't think Geronimo has one yet. Do you want to build a co-parenting approach with ex or do you want to continue trying to save your M. Neither is wrong but you have to know what you want! I don't think either party here does, so best to sit back and regroup for a bit.
What she's doing on her own is none of your damned business, and you don't have any right getting all pissy because she is possibly making plans through a dating site or with an OM. You've got your own TM scenario's that you like to play around with, so there is a bit of hypocrisy there.
That's occured to me already, took a few minutes, but you're absoltely right. I didn't say anything here to her, because - well - you're right, it's not my business, and the first thing that clicked into place when I DID thing about, how would that conversation go, was - what would I say on the other end. That - issue - quickly turned into vapor in my mind as something to let sit with me. Let it go.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
The thing that pisses me off about you the most is this... You actually have a shot at one day having a restored marriage with a woman that you are clearly still in love with. But you can't get past your hurt and betrayal long enough to give it a chance. You just HAVE to get your little dig back at her. Then you come here and pontificate the great mysteries...
Fair enough. Honestly, I post a lot of stuff here that I think and feel at the moment, and it doesn't make a lot of consistant sense. To me. Kind of tired of hearing myself. I've considered just to stop posting because I'm not doing anything consistantly and I'm not changing my behavior and it's become an outlet in engaging in - what - self-pity? no - senseless thinking. Maybe it hurts more then helps. Compulsive - pontification? lol - maybe.
Originally Posted By: newmama
But here is what is happening: your stbxw doesn't know what she wants, she is all over the place, sending mixed signals, and DB strategy or not- the way to deal with someone who is tossing us around like that is a 180 or NC.
I'm not really DBing; I'm really not doing anything with consistancy.
Originally Posted By: whatisis
Yet, with any strategy you have to have a goal, I don't think Geronimo has one yet. Do you want to build a co-parenting approach with ex or do you want to continue trying to save your M. Neither is wrong but you have to know what you want! I don't think either party here does, so best to sit back and regroup for a bit.
Yes, that is my problem. I'm thrashing around. Bill and everyone else, I'm perfectly aware that I sound like an idiot. I let my emotions drive my actions, and maybe because we've signed the papers I think that it doesn't matter what I do.
I'll say this - I'm frustrated because I imagine myself to be more mature and smarter than this. I don't know guys. I'm sorry if you've gotten invested in giving advice and have gotten frustrated. Tell me I'm not handling this particularly well? Gotcha.
Originally Posted By: newmama
Now let us know how the tribute band was.
Ha. Never got there. Got off the highway early, went somewhere else, and you know where, and I guess that's all I'll say because it's the same old s#!t. She cried, and I held her, and we talked for a couple hours. Yeah. She still loves me. I still love her. It sucks. I'm not going to say something stupid like "I can't stop myself." I DON'T stop myself. Until I get mad that this is going to keep me stuck, and I don't want to feel this, and then yep, I send out the barbs. And the the cycle repeats.
Hah - Bill it's not a matter of I can't handle it, it's a matter that I'm not handling it. Creating my own problems.
