Kerry - yes, my thinking exactly. SR - it's all old news. I don't know what she's doing with the Chemestry thing, but it's not my business. NM - well... enjoy, I guess Seriously, yeah, it's good to relate. Welcome.
So XW called sometime in the past hour - and yes, I did step out of the meeting I was in to take her call. I'm know, let's get it over with guys, wack, ow, thanks for the 2x4. She had actually expected to leave a message, knowing that I had meetings this morning.
So she said she was sorry for cursing at me this morning, that she didn't know her phone was still on.
And I said: "Yes, I believe that." (Note the underlying sarcasm.)
And she said that she was struggling today, and that it had felt that I had "rejected her again." Her voice was a little emotional.
Arrggg. Sorry sweetheart, I think I remember this differently.
I didn't really respond, other than I needed to get back to my meeting.
OK let's take a moment now and examine this. I said before along the lines that my behavior has been informed mostly by emotion and not thinking.
I have all of the following impulses: - Tell her it's OK and say, you know, yeah, I'll join you guys - Rip into her and say, I did not reject you, you decided that you did not want to be my wife, so fine, you're not. Fair enough? (And you know, all the other crap that I could say to her.)
Funny - in terms of "what I want" - do I want to be close to her? Do I want to make things OK for her? Do I want to punish her? Yes to all these questions.
So I said nothing. And if I can keep to it, that's what I'll continue to do. I guess the goal is to want nothing in regard to her.
Someone said it up above, I think Kat, I've got to figure out what I want in regard to myself, without her.
There is still a poorly-defined fantasy to dispell here that I'm dealing with in my head, if that makes any sense. God, how long is it going to take to really grab on to the real situation here and hold on to it.
How about saying "I'm sorry that you felt that way. However, I need some time and space to sort things out. I hope that you can understand"
Make her wonder...let her pursue you. Right now she's noticing your distancing attitude and the gears are turning, she's a little worried. You have to set an example. If you go back now, in the future she'll know it only lasts a couple of days and you'll go back to her. Don't set that example.
Does she work BTW? just curious if she's sitting at home all day thinking about this stuff.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
SR is right. But you know what? Until you figure out how to let go and set those boundaries, it's going to suck. You are doing it exactly right by starting to set the boundaries. Focus on that. There is no need to be unkind or show your anger. It won't help any. Then again, it might help you to deal with your letting go. Anger has a way of helping you to let go. It's part of the grieving. It has a place so long as you don't get stuck there and turn bitter. The fantasy? My MC calls that "hope dope" because that's part of what it is. The other focus you should work on is letting that fantasy go sooner rather than later. It's killing you. I can tell because I took a long time to let it go as well. I can almost tell you what it is....but can't quite remember it very clearly any longer. It has to be let go for yourself. For your own well-being. To heal. Kind of like when a loved on dies, you have to give up the fantasy that they will walk in the door and throw their arms around you. Similar here. XW? Should you want her back? Or is it more like what you learned in kindergarten - that person isn't good for me, I don't want to be their friend? I think your focus on boundary setting and focus on letting go of the "dream(s)" are going to be your key to moving on. Really.
Have you read "Rebuilding after a love relationship dies"? If not, it's a good read. Might help to put some perspective on the current situation even though that may not be what you wanted to hear.
I stand in awe of the way spouses think they can divorce you and you'll just say, "Huh. Ok. Let's be friends because that's what you want and hey, so do I." Yikes. What a fantasy. Not that you can't be friends of some sort later in life, but for now, getting over the hurt and disappointment takes precedence. You do need time and space and you may not know how long that will be. That's for you. Not for anyone else. Until you can do those things, you'll be struggling and no good to your kids nor yourself.
Focus. There's still work to do.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think there are two types of WAS's. The first stays bitterly angry and treats you like crap to legitimize why he/she destroyed the family, better to blame you! The second wants to keep you in the fold, be friends so that they don't have to feel too much guilt about tearing apart your world, after all, you're still friends and everybody's OK, so it wasn't that bad, was it? I think when Geronimo poo poo'd the Six Flags outing it reminded her of the reality of the situation and she doesn't like it. Pain ain't pretty!
Ahhhhh want to articulate responses but they're not quite gelled yet. She's self-employed, working part-time. Yeah SR I've been all over the place I've lacked consistancy
AJM - yeah, that's it
I've said before, I seemed to be looking for some event to propel me into the next phase, where I'm OK. Stupid me, you know what it really is - I am still waiting for her to - take this away. I think I take her calls because I want her to - not come back - but to, I don't know, wake me up from the nightmare. That's not what I'm THINKING - but I see it now, on an emotional level, I'm still sitting here suspending disbelief, waiting for this to end.
Anyway I talked to her, phone call regarding the kids.
Said she was mad, that she was "sucked in" again because we were spending time together, and that I was right in my response. Said she was mad that I could still affect her that way, that she's still trying to get my attention, and that she felt rejected.
Yeah, so. Ugh, going to not think about this. If I were to think about it, this is what I would think: the way it's SUPPOSED to be is that we're supposed to fix it, show love, give reassurance, spend time together. But that's not how it is. And I feel that crumbling feeling that I really do want to be spending time with her. I am intentionally pushing her away.
Wow, she loves messing with your head, doesn't she! She keeps tossing out these little nuggets that say "hope", very unfair. Let her be confused, you keep doing what you're doing. Let her deal with her own sh!t, it's not your job! She wanted out, she got it.
Seriously, yeah, it's good to relate. Welcome.