Stuck and don't know how to proceed

[sportsfan]

Where do I begin? I guess I could post in just about any column, but I’ve been lurking for some time and I think I’d be most comfortable in this one. In a nutshell, my H has had two affairs in the past five years. The first one was just physical, the last one which ended last fall was entirely different. He was in love with the OW and moved in with her. It only ended because she found out he was married. She dumped him. Her friend called me and told me everything. That’s how I found out. H’s heart was broken over losing OW and he finally started IC to figure out his issues. I think he has made good progress, but I don’t ask him about his counseling.

We have been separated for nearly two years, right after he started dating the last OW. I was still distraught about the first A and he was weak and it drove him away. After I found out about the second A, I asked him about their relationship. Basically, he recreated our courtship with her. She insisted on meeting his mom and his mom loves her. MIL never said a word about me to him or to OW. Just went along with it. They went out several times. I don’t see or speak to MIL since I found out. He told me he and OW talked marriage and babies, etc. The entire time he has been with her, he and I have been going out and having fun. I thought we were working at an R. He told me that I started returning to my old self and he didn’t want to let me go. Classic cake-eating. I don’t want to know anything else and I’m not going to let this A take my life from me again like the first one did.

I know that OW would never take him back since she has been told about his prior A and what an ass he has been and how he lied to her, too. I told him in October that I didn’t think we should spend time together anymore. He almost cried. We texted and after a month we started getting together again. Then H told me last November that he loves and misses her. That he doesn’t love me. That he doesn’t think he ever loved me. That OW is the most beautiful, most wonderful, special person in the world. Totally re-writing our history. He believes he is commitment-phobic and always has been. Whatever. I told him let’s get the ball rolling on the divorce then. He said wait, I want to try to let you back into my heart. He said he let his heart fill with bad things about me in the last several years and now he wanted to see if he could let it fill with love, the love I have been showing all along.

Since then, we haven’t discussed his feelings for her and I don’t know what they are at this point. We go out about once a week and have lots of fun together. We laugh a lot. We text each other every day with silly jokes, etc. When we part, we only give each other a quick kiss. This is one thing that is bothering me. We have no physical contact at all. He won’t even hold my hand. He was super affectionate with OW, always and everywhere. I get nothing. How are we supposed to regain the feelings we lost if he can’t even hold my hand?

I’ve been thinking maybe I should change my approach. Maybe I need to go dim on him again. But then, wouldn’t we grow further apart if we don’t see each other? Would the timing be wrong? I have always been GALing without realizing what it was. I finally got back to being me after he left two years ago and that hasn’t changed. We have talked about mistakes we made in the M and he mentioned last December that he noticed great changes in me. But I don’t feel as if we are moving forward now. It was a year ago that we were doing the same thing and I felt really good about us, but he was living with her and talking about M with her.

I’d appreciate everyone’s insight into my sitch. Thanks in advance.

[twolf]

In my opinion when he thinks that you are not their he pulls you back in case it does not work with him and the O/W.

Act like you are moving on with your life dont text him and go dark as heck. Tell him you met some one and you want to see where it goes.

That with him texting you and calling it is not fair to the other man.

You said it yourself when you stop being their for him he starts calling again and you start going out again then he runs back to the O/W. you have your own answer what you need to start doing.

[sportsfan]

Interesting twolf. I've been contemplating going dim, maybe because I'm afraid to go all the way dark. He is different this time as he has figured out why he acted out (his parents were terrible and he had a horrendous childhood), but I'm getting tired of being in limbo. I want a commitment again. I want my partner again. I thought about telling him that, but I'm afraid of his response. It hurt so much when he told me he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't want to be married. This was after I caught him in a lie, but didn't know yet about the OW2. He got angry and I should have known there was another OW. I hate this. If he does find another OW, then it would be much easier to go dark. If we divorce, we lose everything, including the house.

[Allen A]

I want to know how :

1. He moved out, moved in with another woman, AND introduced him to his own mother and YOU were completely in the dark about all of this?
2. Why aren't you talking with his MIL? Have you confronted his MIL NOW about her enabling his infidelity?
3. Why on earth aren't the two of you in FAMILY THERAPY?

Individual Therapy is NOT going to solve MARITAL problems... I have argued on this forum earlier many times that IC can OFTEN make marital problems WORSE...

You need to update your signature with the FULL status of your husband.. is he living with OW? On his own, living with his mother?

[Sugar and Spice]

I'm with TWolf. As long as you allow yourself to be his option while making him your priority, this is what he is going to do. He is M to you, living with the OW and dating/having an A with you behind her back? Wow.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I wouldn't go dim, I'd go pitch freakin' black! You sound like you need to step away from this for awhile and get some perspective on your sitch.

What do you want and what are you willing to live with? Is this situation ok for you? You already know if you cut him off he will come running, but for your own sanity you need to back away and get a plan and execute it.

As far as him telling you hurtful things, thats classic in-the-fog-spew, don't listen to him. Its easier to hurt you and hope you fight back so he can justify his actions rather than take responsibility for the mess hes made/making.

[sandi2]

How many other women???

Don't you believe that you are worth more than this? Don't you believe you deserve more? He is a serial cheater or a multiple cheater and you have be S for two years. He's got just what he wants. Why do you think he is going to drop two or three women and go back into a faithful MR?

As long as you live in the land of "hoping he will change"......you deny yourself of a fulfilled life. If he was evaluated for H material, do you really think he'd pass? Give yourself a big gift of dropping the rope and go get yourself a life. ((Hug))

[twolf]

After thinking about it and reading your stich again you need to be on the dark side of the moon where its frezzing cold and you need to keep him their and frozen.

What do you have to be afraid of you need to learn to detach and IGNORE him.....

And when you mention divorce he comes a running well honey you go file.. Tell him if you cant make up your mind i just made it for you...

Then see what happens if he comes back you still keep going ahead with divorce and be cold to him make him work his ass off to prove to you that he would want it to work.I t takes a year for divorce papers to run dry that would be three years you would of been waiting for him.

STOP BEING A DOOR MAT FOR HIM A.S.A.P

[sportsfan]

I want to know how :

1. He moved out, moved in with another woman, AND introduced him to his own mother and YOU were completely in the dark about all of this?
2. Why aren't you talking with his MIL? Have you confronted his MIL NOW about her enabling his infidelity?
3. Why on earth aren't the two of you in FAMILY THERAPY?

Individual Therapy is NOT going to solve MARITAL problems... I have argued on this forum earlier many times that IC can OFTEN make marital problems WORSE...

You need to update your signature with the FULL status of your husband.. is he living with OW? On his own, living with his mother?

Believe me, I have beat myself up enough about being stupid and/or naive when it comes to him and OW2. He was so wonderful the first 15 years of our relationship that it clouded my judgment and probably still is. I control all the money and there was never any charges out of the ordinary. He works two jobs and spent a good amount of time with me, including holidays. He initially moved in with a friend of his. I concentrated on me.

His mother never really liked me and I didn't have to see her much. She is a very odd person and she didn't even have enough strength to keep his father from emotionally and verbally abusing him from age 8 to 18. He is an only child and they never took a vacation, never gave him a birthday party and never even gave him a birthday cake. Very sad. It seemed to me that he worked through all of that by the time we were married. His father even warmed up to him and treated me beautifully until the day he died. Those are the issues he is working on in IC.

I haven't confronted his mother. I don't see the point now. She is elderly and frankly not very bright. H has been living with her since the OW2 threw him out. I have verified that he is alone. No OW at this time.

When H first told me he was unhappy in 2005 we went to MC. Unfortunately, the MC was awful and a complete waste of time. We went to one session in May of 2008 with an MC recommended by my IC. He asked to work with H one on one for a while and then bring me back in. Believe it or not, the IC was the one who suggested we separate. Then H stopped going to IC and started dating OW2.

Yesterday I spent the entire day with girlfriends at a lake party. H was the designated driver and picked us up. He went to this annual party with me last year, but I didn't invite him this time. He has gone to church with me a couple of times since Easter, which he has never done. He said he had a rough day at work today so didn't want to go to dinner with my Dad and family. H knows my family is disgusted with him, but they still love him, too. I responded to his text (we hate talking on the phone) the following, "U win. I give up."

And now I'm going dark. Please help on what exactly going dark means. I have an idea, but I could use all the support I can get. I hope this post gives everyone a better idea of what my sitch is.

[sportsfan]

Sorry. Just to clarify. H has had two OWs in the last five years, not at the same time. He realized through IC why he was acting out and how wrong and unfair it is to everyone, especially me.

I don't want a divorce so why would I file? That's a bluff I don't have in my hand. I haven't filed because I would lose everything I've worked for. I haven't filed because I know in my heart that H is not an inherently bad person. He is deeply wounded by his upbringing and he is trying to work on himself for the first time since this mess started five years ago. I haven't filed because I still love him.

If I need to go dark, wouldn't it be contradictory to try MC again?

[twolf]

You are letting him cake eat and you need to set boundries untill you do that you have no leavrage.

You are even making excusses for him.

If you dont set boundries how are you going to get him back.

You are into it Two to three years.

What the hell you going to let it go on for ten years to the same place you are at now???????????????????????????

YOU are both in your fortys are you going to wait for him into your fifitys?????????????????

TAKE A STAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If i was him wy would i come back to you knowing that you would wait for me and be their any time i wanted you!

You need to talk to Allen..