IB, Trapt has given you some great advice. He knows what he's talking about. Plus, he is a sweetie.
I know this is tremendously difficult for you. You have had the wind knocked out of you. I know it feels like a nightmare and you just want to wake up.
I am not going to lie, you are going to have some hard days. Days when you think you can't make it through. I promise you, it is going to get better. But,you have some work to do. And the sooner you get on it, the sooner you will begin to be able to cope.
First of all, you have nothing to be ashamed of. So, you go to that game with your head held high and looking good.
You act like the competent, capable, wonderful woman you have always been. You cheer your son on and enjoy the game.
When we tell you to focus on you and your son, it is because when you take the focus off your h you start to realize some things. Once you do that, you begin to detach. Detachment comes to everyone in different timelines. I wish I did it sooner. It makes your life much more bearable.
IB, while this is a devastating thing to happen, it is also an opportunity. I know it's hard to see that now when you are so crushed, but, it is.
And you are very fortunate to have so many things in your life - your children, your job, etc.
So, think of this as a new beginning. A time to find out who you are, what makes you happy. You should never be defined by other people. Your happiness should never be contingent on other people. That's when we lose ourselves and that is not good.
I will be rooting for you tomorrow. You can do this.
Brooklyn and all - Thank you for the support and understanding. I really never knew this side of life - and least in this personal of a way. H is meeting with D and S to allow them to ask him questions and for him to give his side of the story. S says to me "don't worry mom he will realize soon what he is missing and he'll be home" - I am so sad for this 16 yr old boy who has always idolized his dad / who always loved coming home and talking to mom and dad about the good the bad and the ugly of his teenage days. There is a part of me that is scared that he will pull them away from me- I know that is just my insecurity / but can he convince others the way he has convinced himself that everything has been a lie and that he has been desperately unhappy all this time? And I think the kicker to all of this is that everyone really only knows the surface of what's been going on. His insidious habits of phone chat lines and hook ups that almost cost him his job - no one knows this side. So there are even more levels of craziness that I am hiding!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
So the hits keep coming! H had D and S meet him at an ice cream stand so they could talk to him about their questions about everything. He basically told them that he was unhappy financially in the marriage and that we had been having problems for a while. S asks if we were divorcing. H says "it's possible" - S says "how possible" H says "pretty possible" S and D come home sobbing. Said that their Dad never shed a tear. Who is this man? I have to pull myself together to be strong for the kids - they can't see me as the basket-case I feel like!
Irish, I am sorry for all you are going through. This is the MLC drama, drama, drama. My ex finally admitted that a lot of his behavior is about "pretending". Pretending to be happy, pretending to love his life, etc...
Hanging on his every word, analyzing his lies and misperceptions will make you nuts. Just comfort your children and let them know that you will be there for them no matter what.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Irish, Believe nothing of what they say and only half of what they do. I kept seeing that pop up from time to time when I first came to the board. I understand now for good reason, because it's true. I have experienced it first hand with my H on multiple occasions.
Quote:
Hanging on his every word, analyzing his lies and misperceptions will make you nuts. Just comfort your children and let them know that you will be there for them no matter what.
Trusting has given you some very wise advice. It's hard to do at first because you will be looking for your MLCer to be and react like he used to. He's not the same man right now and won't be for a long time, if ever.
The sooner you can, 'Let go and let God', the sooner you'll feel a measure of peace in your life.
Doing this from my phone so forgive any typos LOL.
I know I said it before, but everything your H is saying, sounds like MLC script. Right now, you will probably hear a lot of it.
I don't know if you have read the resources and the archives, but spending some time reading, will help you recognize it a little better.which helps it hurt a little less.
You also have to remember, it really is POSSIBLE that you two will get a D. Your H was not saying anything that wasn't true.
There are no guarantees here. None.
Work on you, enjoy your kids, regardless of him.
Have fun at the game today.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
IB remember this is about your h not you. You are going to continue to hear things that simply amaze you and you step back and think wow do I even know you anymore. That wonderment will continue throughout this journey so get used to the fact you probably don't know him right now.
That is why focusing on you and not him and what he says is so important. It hurts so much, but step back from the fire or you will get burned.
Confusion sets in for the MLC'er and I don't think they really know what they want, so they continue to spew what they don't like or think they don't like.
Focus on you IB. You are doing so good!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Thanks to Trusting, SA, Cat, and Glam - your posts helped me through the day! Late last night, H texts me and asks if he can stop by to talk briefly and to see S. Texted back that S was out with a friend. Then H calls me - can he come by. I said I didn't think so. Said he wanted to talk about details for today and tomorrow. Said I didn't think it was necessary and that I would see him at the games. Went to the games - stayed removed from him / at the end of the day as I'm driving home he texts me and asks me what mine and S's plans are. I said that S was coming home and then we would be deciding. Then he texts - "Will you let me know when you know? If you don't want me around that's fine - I will talk on the phone with him later."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I replied that I would talk to S. I am pleased with myself as to how I handled these things. I keep trying to avoid reading anything into these mixed messages - and I do not want to put myself in a position to have poison dumped on me again. I can be amicable and civil - but I don't want to be buddies! I am also trying to figure out how far into the Replay stage he is. I think all of this began right around age 41 (the anger). Then the phone calls and hookups began about 2 years ago. He disclosed this stuff at 46 - than a month later ILYBNILWY! Not that I'm trying to see how much longer there is to go in this - I'm just trying to get a sense of where I am in the journey. Thanks for listening!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Sent the Father's Day text like suggested to others on this site: Happy Fathers Day / thank you for the gift of these amazing children / hope you enjoy your day Response from H - thx Good enough for me:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
