help with a plan

[idontunderstand]

I don't mean to sound like I have done nothing wrong. I know I have.

I am happy at the house. I spend time and play with the kids. I include her in things if she wants to join in with us. I am doing things for myself that I haven't done in years. The more it goes on, the madder she gets.


Just needed to vent. Thanks.

[idontunderstand]

You have to be aware of what she really is telling you. Treating and speaking to your wife like she is a man is counterproductive. Do what works. Be a cat whisperer.

I hear what your saying, Coach. I am still learning.

How do I figure out her moods? The more exposing I do, the more lies she get caught in, the worse she becomes. Is it guilt or just anger? What does it matter? Would she stay if she had anywhere to go? Is she staying because she isn't really sure? Is it good that she's still here or would it be better for both of us if she left? Would she see what we had could be found again? Would I miss her as much as I think I would?

Lot's of question marks there. Just thinking out loud.

Thanks for taking the time, as always, Coach.

You seem to be able to tell the days I really need it.

[Greek]

How do I figure out her moods? The more exposing I do, the more lies she get caught in, the worse she becomes. Is it guilt or just anger? What does it matter? Would she stay if she had anywhere to go? Is she staying because she isn't really sure?

Who knows? Maybe not even your W. But really, her moods, her motivation, her options - are not your territory. Her behavior - what she actually does - is what you need to deal with. The rest is a mystery and you'll make yourself crazy trying to discern all that.
Greek

[idontunderstand]

Thanks for the reply, Greek. I always appreciate when you stop by.

Who knows? Maybe not even your W. But really, her moods, her motivation, her options - are not your territory. Her behavior - what she actually does - is what you need to deal with.

I sure am trying. When she is disrespectful, mean to the kids, anything like that, I call her on it. Instant storm clouds in her eyes. I know that's where detachment comes in, I can't care what she does or how she feels about me right now.

The rest is a mystery and you'll make yourself crazy trying to discern all that.

So true.

It just seems like we are on the verge of something, good or bad, and can't turn the corner. I know I want to push it and make something happen. I am making myself crazy.

BTW, my W has always liked to talk and help people when they are down. I have envisioned she and I, together, helping people on here like yourself and Coach. It would be great therapy for both of us if she found this place. I would love to pay it forward on here with her. I know that's just wishful thinking and I'm getting way ahead of myself. Just something in the back of my mind that would be a blessing for both of us.

[idontunderstand]

Last night, the sensitive twin asked me if grown-ups fight a lot. I told him sometimes. Why? He said that me and mom have been fighting a lot lately even though we are in the shed or outside, he sneaks out and listens. I told him that he and his brother fight all the time. It doesn't mean that they stay mad at each other. He said, yeah, you're right.

I told him I loved him and so did his mom. He said she is mad all the time, even when I'm not home.

I don't want this to drag on and hurt the kids more than necessary. God, I hate even writing that. None of it is necessary.

[Onthemountaintop]

IDL - I'm going offline from these boards, but I wanted to wish you well. You've made great strides, keep remembering your goals with your wife...she'll thank you for it once the fog lifts~

[LSG]

IDU,

You are right none of this is necessary. That is why you are going to be the balance in your kids lives to keep them from suffering anymore pain than they already are. You can do it; you have to do it.

You are handling yourself splendidly!

[idontunderstand]

Had a good father's day.

Took kids to church. Twins served again. They really enjoy doing it. Of course, it's still pretty new to them, I'm sure they will get tired of it soon enough.

Txtd W after church, going to my sister's house for father's day party. I told her she was welcome to come, if not, we would see her later. She said, okay, didn't get off work until one, a couple of people called in sick, didn't know if she's have to work late or not, would call me later.

Had a great time at my sister's. Kids swam, the twins rode four-wheelers all day, got muddy and wind burnt. W txt that she had to work until three, what was going on. Told her we were all having fun. She txt me when she got home, again, what was going on. I again said she was welcome to come out. She said it was late, she was going to clean house and do laundry. No problem, see you later.

We stayed until 8:30, got home, had a snack, gave the kids showers, and they all fell asleep by 9:30, they were wore out! W did make a little small talk, not snotty or anything. I went to bed at 10:00. Told her good-night and actuall got a 'night in return.

So, I made the effort to invite her even though she makes it a point not to invite me to family functions. I didn't force the issue and didn't react when she didn't show up. She actually had me thinking she might come for a while. I was fine that she didn't. The kids asked why she wasn't there and she gave the standard-I had to work-answer.

I hate this.

Patience, I guess. I feel like I want to force something from her. She has respeced boudaries lately. Not staying out late, telling me if she has talked to super about school stuff. I'm not gullible enough to believe it all, but seems like she is trying.

I'm getting tired of waiting.

[LSG]

IDU,

I am glad you had a good Father's Day with the kids.

That is good you did invite her. I am now seeing that my W wants to go since I do not include her in anything. Her reasons are to look good for the D. Nothing else in my case. Maybe try to do a 180 and don't ask your W to go next time and see what she does.

Be patient and glad that she is respecting your boundaries. A positive attitude is good for you too, and she does seem to be trying. A good sign. It takes time.

[idontunderstand]

Be patient and glad that she is respecting your boundaries. A positive attitude is good for you too, and she does seem to be trying. A good sign. It takes time.

Trying to be patient. A good attitude is a must. I thought that I had that one down, but I realize I would still react to certain things that she did. She would notice my reactions and bring it up during our R discussions. Here I thought I was doing so well.

I don't really know if she is trying or if she is just being more secretive. I know her sister asked her how things were going and she simply said 'the same'.

I am still tempted to hire a L and file myself. That may be the only thing that shocks her enough to come out of her "fog". I will admit that I am scared to take that last leap of faith. I guess as long as she is respecting boundaries, or at least not flaunting things in my face, I have time to see how it will play out. Patience.

I have learned so much about myself and taken the steps to be a better person. I know that's really what DB is all about. I wish I could jump ahead in time and find out if this waiting for her is worth it or if she's still playing me for a fool.

We'll see.