so you are one of those people shooting in the woods scaring the crap out of me neato. my mom wouldn't let me have a gun or a motorcycle or a tattoo.
Maybe, I am way off base with this divorce busting, But I think it is all about going out and doing things that excite you, having fun. if you attract your mate back into the game great you can have sex in the back seat during and after wards. If not, oh well, worse can happen.
but talking about communication problems?????? is she going to understand what you say about what she didnt understand you saying before.
do do do. i sure could use a pedicure. oh and a foot massage. yeah.... sniff is that perfume from the magazine on me or is it just stuck in my nose. da da da. and whats he saying. oh talking about how we dont communicate. no $hit $sherlock. whats new. de de de.
you think she is thinking anymore than that in these "therapy" sessions
Bolded by me. Actually yes Steve I DO think she is putting more into our sessions then that. If you go back and re-read my now locked original thread you will see that during one of our first one's, when I was venting about how her current sitch gives her everything she wanted that I was falling short on she let it slip that " no it doesnt, because I dont have YOU !" Now that would NEVER have happened in a private one on one conversation, at least not as quickly as it did. The counselor observed that she didnt mean to blurt that out, but that it was in fact genuine.
Not that she didnt mean to say it, just that she didnt mean for me to hear it right now. I certainly have my up and down days, and waver back and forth between positivity and despondence,for right now I absolutely believe that we WILL reconcile this eventually, but its going to take a TON of work on my part and lots of time on hers.
Blah day today. Saw the WAW briefly last night when she stopped by to see the kids at bedtime. She informed me that she is now laid off from her job, which didnt really pay her all that much anyway and which she had been griping about alot lately (low paying retail grind ), she says she's going to be using the time to take advantage of some State Job Retraining programs but we'll see.
Supposed to meet with her this morning to pick up where we left off the other day, but it's gonna be short since I have my last mandatory "workshop" for MY job retraining program at 1:30 this afternoon. She also takes the kids to her place today, I get them back on Saturday night since its Fathers Day on Sunday. But this coming Tuesday is when everything changes and we go to alternating weeks with the kids, thats going to be rough for sure.
Still have DYFS involved, due to the incident the other day. The lady is actually REALLY nice, which suprised me, I am or should I say was conditioned to believe that most DYFS case workers are " man haters" . We had another face to face at my place last night and some things suprised me. She actually asked me if I felt like I was a victim of emotional abuse by the WAW. I really didnt know how to answer that one, since our State has the most ridiculously broad definition of what constitutes " emotional abuse"
She told me that when she had met with the WAW she felt she came off as " abrasive " and apparently the observations of the workers colleague the other night at the hospital between WAW and me were relayed and the other case worker felt WAW was being " rude " to me.
I explained it as something I had just learned to live with , but the case worker actually seems really concerned about me and what I have endured from WAW. WAW did get caught on something though. WAW told me that she had met with caseworker prior to our hearing ( true and confirmed) but she also told me that she had been ordered to take and passed with " flying colors" a psych eval. Caseworkers eye's popped when I related that and said " Yes I met with her, but she didnt take any psych eval that I ordered, but Im going to be ordering one NOW"
Caseworker also said she will try to see if there's anyway she can get mandatory family counseling imposed, but couldnt promise anything. Obviously I am fully ready willing and able and very much desire that, not only for the kids but for us. Guess we'll see.
Sigh. God this is SOOOOOO difficult. WAW was just here a little while ago to get the kids and some stuff and exploded at me yet again. Even got an FU ! thrown at me. I know she is super pissed that Im not making it easier for her decision by making the changes I have made, she said as much, just not in those words. She keeps bouncing back and forth between wanting my help with things and not wanting to let me for fear I'll hold it " over her head". Claims she has "lost everything " and its all my fault, I drove her to leave. Which is certainly mostly true, I did play a big role in it and Im disgusted with myself for that, but I still have an overwhelming urge to give it right back to her with pointing out that SHE decided leaving was the only option.
She has now effectively cancelled ALL talking with the counselor, even about our communications problems and gone back on her word from just a couple days ago to continue to do so for the benefit of the kids, with the single exception of tommorow night, which is to concern nothing more then division of property topics.
She keeps wavering between there can NEVER be a reconciliation and admitting that her moods can and do change and fluctuate wildly. Now Im told that my reaction to the incident the other day concerning our DD at the ER was just " more of the same " of me being "selfish" and only concerend about whether or not she actually thought I had something to do with it as opposed to my focus ONLY being on DD. I can only explain it as considering what other things she's done in the recent past, OF COURSE I would be seriously alarmed this was another " set up " on her part.
Spoken to my attorney, who will subpeona the DYFS reports, which will reveal the reporting parties name and then I'll have proof. I dont want to believe it, but all the evidence is pointing to the WAW as the reporting party. I honestly dont know how I could ever forgive something as heinous as that type of accusation, regardless of an attempt at explaining on her part.
Im going to try like hell to get court mandated family counseling, as a last ditch effort to get help, both for DD and her and US. There is still something there somewhere between us its just buried under Mt St Helens. Suffice to say this is going to be a MUCH longer fight for my family then I probably wanted to admit, and I have to compete with OM on top of it. I see at least 1 to 2 years at best before I could even think about seeing any movement forward.
Going to be the longest time period in my life for certain, and our kids are going to suffer for it and that kills me. ARRGGGGGGHHHHH Damnit all I want is my family back !!! I dont need to be rich or famous or powerful, is that really to much to ask ?????? I just want the chance to restore things !!!!! Crying and mourning as I write this so sorry if its disjointed. Really thought we would be able to make SOME kind of minor progress thru the summer but its now clear this is going to be a LONG haul. I know DBing and everyone says how one person can single handedly change the relationship, but damn it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hopeless right now.
I REALLY feel like giving her " both barrels" right now instead of constantly just taking the verbal abuse. Im wavering between " will this help me move closer or further from my goal? " and a insatiable desire to let her have it, it certainly cant get any worse then it already is, so whats to lose right ??? And it would definetly be a 180 for me, since my normal method is to desire to calmly discuss things.
I would give my right arm to go back only 6 mos and see what was about to happen and stop it before it was to late............
I just dont know where to get the strength to do this............
I just dont know where to get the strength to do this............
You would have a lot more energy if you stopped all the drama.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Don't give into temptation. Things could get worse. Calm yourself and think about your decisions before you act. We can't go back, but we can move forward.
It is difficult, but you have to make it less difficult.
Right now don't discuss anything and let the waters calm for both of you.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
LOL Coach, I didnt mean " strength " as in literally. I meant the internal fortitude/faith
Good, that's what I mean also.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
She has now effectively cancelled ALL talking with the counselor, even about our communications problems and gone back on her word from just a couple days ago to continue to do so for the benefit of the kids, with the single exception of tommorow night, which is to concern nothing more then division of property topics.
PRESSURE. Pressure doesn't work on women who leave you. You are pressuring her about MC. It is going to backfire.
This is what I told you was going to happen a few days ago. I TOLD you so. What you are doing is NOT going to work. It isn't working and it isn't GOING to work. You are going backwards.
She has now effectively cancelled ALL talking with the counselor, even about our communications problems and gone back on her word from just a couple days ago to continue to do so for the benefit of the kids, with the single exception of tommorow night, which is to concern nothing more then division of property topics.
PRESSURE. Pressure doesn't work on women who leave you. You are pressuring her about MC. It is going to backfire.
This is what I told you was going to happen a few days ago. I TOLD you so. What you are doing is NOT going to work. It isn't working and it isn't GOING to work. You are going backwards.
I dont know how many times or different ways I can say this. it WASNT MCing !!! It was focused on trying to resolve our different communication issues so we could at least speak about the kids without it turning into a blow out. Perfect example, just the other day I made a statement about " Im putting DD into counseling " as if thats not what WAW wanted either. Now thats NOT the way I intended it to come out or to insinuate anything, but with the third party there to point out how it was perceived, I DID realize it AFTER the fact. It was also pointed out to WAW something that SHE said to me that came out completely different then the way she meant to. And when that was pointed out she agreed that it could have been said differently/better.
Now, all that being said, if working on our comms skills had the almost unavoidable side benefit of helping bridge the chasm between us, even indirectly, then that was certainly a most welcome positive and something I defintely wanted to happen. But that was NOT the " focus" of the sessions.Hell, I dont even think any "US" stuff came up. Then again, it seems WAW in her fog feels that nearly ANYTHING, such as when she is going to return my truck is " US" stuff. How the hell am I supposed to not be treated like a doormat and establish limits and boundaries when EVERYTHING is " US " in her mind ????
I just made DD an appointment with a counselor to deal with all this crap. First one is in two weeks. Found out its a female who is family oriented, and they want both of us to be there for the intake appt. To speak to all of us individually to get a handle on exactly whats been going on. If we can get to the end of the summer and WAW is at least starting to open up about her issue's, then maybe in another 6 mos or something we'll see where we are and evaluate a transition to family counseling.
I DONT have a problem not talking about " US " stuff, I can be patient. I could hear in her voice and see in her eyes that she DOES NOT want to be in this position ( the seperation ) albiet its buried WAY WAY down below all the hurt and anger, and she blames me for the situation, which is certainly fair enough to an extent.
