Stuck and don't know how to proceed

[sportsfan]

Where do I begin? I guess I could post in just about any column, but I’ve been lurking for some time and I think I’d be most comfortable in this one. In a nutshell, my H has had two affairs in the past five years. The first one was just physical, the last one which ended last fall was entirely different. He was in love with the OW and moved in with her. It only ended because she found out he was married. She dumped him. Her friend called me and told me everything. That’s how I found out. H’s heart was broken over losing OW and he finally started IC to figure out his issues. I think he has made good progress, but I don’t ask him about his counseling.

We have been separated for nearly two years, right after he started dating the last OW. I was still distraught about the first A and he was weak and it drove him away. After I found out about the second A, I asked him about their relationship. Basically, he recreated our courtship with her. She insisted on meeting his mom and his mom loves her. MIL never said a word about me to him or to OW. Just went along with it. They went out several times. I don’t see or speak to MIL since I found out. He told me he and OW talked marriage and babies, etc. The entire time he has been with her, he and I have been going out and having fun. I thought we were working at an R. He told me that I started returning to my old self and he didn’t want to let me go. Classic cake-eating. I don’t want to know anything else and I’m not going to let this A take my life from me again like the first one did.

I know that OW would never take him back since she has been told about his prior A and what an ass he has been and how he lied to her, too. I told him in October that I didn’t think we should spend time together anymore. He almost cried. We texted and after a month we started getting together again. Then H told me last November that he loves and misses her. That he doesn’t love me. That he doesn’t think he ever loved me. That OW is the most beautiful, most wonderful, special person in the world. Totally re-writing our history. He believes he is commitment-phobic and always has been. Whatever. I told him let’s get the ball rolling on the divorce then. He said wait, I want to try to let you back into my heart. He said he let his heart fill with bad things about me in the last several years and now he wanted to see if he could let it fill with love, the love I have been showing all along.

Since then, we haven’t discussed his feelings for her and I don’t know what they are at this point. We go out about once a week and have lots of fun together. We laugh a lot. We text each other every day with silly jokes, etc. When we part, we only give each other a quick kiss. This is one thing that is bothering me. We have no physical contact at all. He won’t even hold my hand. He was super affectionate with OW, always and everywhere. I get nothing. How are we supposed to regain the feelings we lost if he can’t even hold my hand?

I’ve been thinking maybe I should change my approach. Maybe I need to go dim on him again. But then, wouldn’t we grow further apart if we don’t see each other? Would the timing be wrong? I have always been GALing without realizing what it was. I finally got back to being me after he left two years ago and that hasn’t changed. We have talked about mistakes we made in the M and he mentioned last December that he noticed great changes in me. But I don’t feel as if we are moving forward now. It was a year ago that we were doing the same thing and I felt really good about us, but he was living with her and talking about M with her.

I’d appreciate everyone’s insight into my sitch. Thanks in advance.