Sigh. God this is SOOOOOO difficult. WAW was just here a little while ago to get the kids and some stuff and exploded at me yet again. Even got an FU ! thrown at me. I know she is super pissed that Im not making it easier for her decision by making the changes I have made, she said as much, just not in those words. She keeps bouncing back and forth between wanting my help with things and not wanting to let me for fear I'll hold it " over her head". Claims she has "lost everything " and its all my fault, I drove her to leave. Which is certainly mostly true, I did play a big role in it and Im disgusted with myself for that, but I still have an overwhelming urge to give it right back to her with pointing out that SHE decided leaving was the only option.
She has now effectively cancelled ALL talking with the counselor, even about our communications problems and gone back on her word from just a couple days ago to continue to do so for the benefit of the kids, with the single exception of tommorow night, which is to concern nothing more then division of property topics.
She keeps wavering between there can NEVER be a reconciliation and admitting that her moods can and do change and fluctuate wildly. Now Im told that my reaction to the incident the other day concerning our DD at the ER was just " more of the same " of me being "selfish" and only concerend about whether or not she actually thought I had something to do with it as opposed to my focus ONLY being on DD. I can only explain it as considering what other things she's done in the recent past, OF COURSE I would be seriously alarmed this was another " set up " on her part.
Spoken to my attorney, who will subpeona the DYFS reports, which will reveal the reporting parties name and then I'll have proof. I dont want to believe it, but all the evidence is pointing to the WAW as the reporting party. I honestly dont know how I could ever forgive something as heinous as that type of accusation, regardless of an attempt at explaining on her part.
Im going to try like hell to get court mandated family counseling, as a last ditch effort to get help, both for DD and her and US. There is still something there somewhere between us its just buried under Mt St Helens. Suffice to say this is going to be a MUCH longer fight for my family then I probably wanted to admit, and I have to compete with OM on top of it. I see at least 1 to 2 years at best before I could even think about seeing any movement forward.
Going to be the longest time period in my life for certain, and our kids are going to suffer for it and that kills me. ARRGGGGGGHHHHH Damnit all I want is my family back !!! I dont need to be rich or famous or powerful, is that really to much to ask ?????? I just want the chance to restore things !!!!! Crying and mourning as I write this so sorry if its disjointed. Really thought we would be able to make SOME kind of minor progress thru the summer but its now clear this is going to be a LONG haul. I know DBing and everyone says how one person can single handedly change the relationship, but damn it feels SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hopeless right now.
I REALLY feel like giving her " both barrels" right now instead of constantly just taking the verbal abuse. Im wavering between " will this help me move closer or further from my goal? " and a insatiable desire to let her have it, it certainly cant get any worse then it already is, so whats to lose right ??? And it would definetly be a 180 for me, since my normal method is to desire to calmly discuss things.
I would give my right arm to go back only 6 mos and see what was about to happen and stop it before it was to late............
I just dont know where to get the strength to do this............
