WAW EA told her to leave

[Greek]

Well? How did the R talk go?
Greek

[DangerDave]

Good morning Greek -

Well I dodged the bullet last night! We ended up having a very pleasant conversation when I got home from work, no R talk at all, just day to day stuff, looked at some grad photos, showed her again how to find things on her computer.

She then had another bike ride at 7pm (she's training for a 100 mile ride in 2 wks) told her to have a good time and be safe. She got in around 9:15 or so which is normal, called and told me she was on her way home. we then went to bed, talked about her ride and other non-R talk - was actually very enjoyable and went to sleep.

It was interesting that the subject of sex came up this afternoon in a round about way - it's been 10 weeks since we've been intimate - I told her that I was always good to go, she replied that she also was just about to that point as well - very surprising comment coming from her - almost shocked me.! I think I will try to test those waters in the next evening or so?

And really Greek, I take your advice to heart, it's been spot on and while no two stich are identical, there's enough overlap in them to sort out what you need to do - as long as you keep your head up and your eyes on the prize - fixing me and drawing her back!

Thanks,

DD

[Greek]

It was interesting that the subject of sex came up this afternoon in a round about way - it's been 10 weeks since we've been intimate - I told her that I was always good to go, she replied that she also was just about to that point as well - very surprising comment coming from her - almost shocked me.! I think I will try to test those waters in the next evening or so?

My gently advice to you is do not test the waters. Let her test YOUR waters. You left the door open by what you said last night. Let her decide when she will walk through it...then knock her socks off

And really Greek, I take your advice to heart, it's been spot on and while no two stich are identical, there's enough overlap in them to sort out what you need to do - as long as you keep your head up and your eyes on the prize - fixing me and drawing her back!

Thanks

Well, I paid a lot of tuition to be here and offer anything. Glad to help.
Greek

[DangerDave]

Hey everyone!

Greek, Sandi2, Gucci, OTMT - here's my update! I'm using this forum and my posts as my journal- easier to keep it all in one place for now and it's secure too!

Here we go!

So I dodged the R talk and here's what happened the next evening:

When I got back from my group T she was upstairs lying on the bed (not in), I putzed around downstairs for w hile and then headed up to check on her, we had some small talk and she was beat from the gym and biking the last few days, so asked if I could sit with her she said yes, her back had been hurting so I rubbed it a bit and asked if she would like me to rub it, she no but how about her feet instead – this next to sex is her highest level of intimacy so I rubbed them for about an hour and a half - this is first time I've touched her in over a month in any way. The following morning I got a tm from her the next morning saying thank you for that, that I had really gone out of my way on that one. A plus I guess?

The next day was IC for me – he really pushed the pursue thing a bit more than I cared for (flowers, cards, notes, peck on the check etc) to show her that I stilled cared for her, so not too sure on that and have NOT moved on any of it - just quite different than my DB instincts have taught me. I also bought concert tickets for my birthday next month – our favorite group the Beach Boys, and naturally I want her to go but not sure if that would be way over the top at this point – I can sit on them for a while – his advice was to invite her right away and give her the next 30 days or so to accept or not – just not sure really again here!

That afternoon I see there's a photo of her on her bike alone on the hall table where I keep my wallet, keys etc. you know all the stuff you grab before heading off to work - a friend of hers took it sometime ago and gave it to her on her ride last night. I'm pretty sure she obviously put it there for me to see and ask about(ok at least 50% sure!), so I asked her about it, told her it was a nice photo and if I could have it for my office. She said sure take it and it's on my desk now - grain of salt there but I thought it was a positive gesture for both of us?

Last night was OK, had to whip up dinner again for everyone, no big deal as her mother had to have an emergency eye procedure late afternoon - she came over for dinner as well - another fine gourmet effort by me I must say - hell I like to eat well too! I knew she had been running the kids and her mom all day, so I took the initiative to do all the clean up as well - no big deal but by the time 9pm rolled around I was beat! I went to bed without her and no TV to wind down with - another 180 - she came up about 10 minutes later and she did ask why I didn't do the TV thing anymore - I just said I do sometimes -rolled over and went to sleep, she was upset about that - whether it was going to bed without her, no TV as usual or what I have no idea.

No gym class for her this morning which is good - another small verification the she's not seeing the OM as it's his class to teach, she also had to bail on a ride Wed night because he was there as well - she went on a different ride with another group. I was supposed to go and meet them all after my MTB ride, but kid duties got in the way and I couldn't make it. She didn't say anything about me not making it to dinner with all of them, but I am an outsider with that crowd - no big deal to me though.


So drop me a note and let's keep this ride rollin!!!

Thanks

DD

[Greek]

The following morning I got a tm from her the next morning saying thank you for that, that I had really gone out of my way on that one. A plus I guess?

Sounds like the right move at the right time. But but but...don't try to recreate that. Just let it be what it was - a close moment for both of you, mutual. She'll ask if she wants the foot rub again - and you might be able to drop what you're doing to do it - or you might be too busy.

The next day was IC for me – he really pushed the pursue thing a bit more than I cared for (flowers, cards, notes, peck on the check etc) to show her that I stilled cared for her, so not too sure on that and have NOT moved on any of it - just quite different than my DB instincts have taught me.

Nope - that's pursuit and I don't recommend it.

I also bought concert tickets for my birthday next month – our favorite group the Beach Boys, and naturally I want her to go but not sure if that would be way over the top at this point – I can sit on them for a while – his advice was to invite her right away and give her the next 30 days or so to accept or not – just not sure really again here!

Dave to W: "I bought tickets to the Beach Boys for such and such date. Wanna come along?" If she says yes - woo hoo. Concerts are a great date (Coach and I went to two of them while we were testing the waters about getting back together!). If she says no - well, I'm sure you have a friend or sib or maybe even one of your kids that will go and LOVE IT!

That afternoon I see there's a photo of her on her bike alone on the hall table where I keep my wallet, keys etc. you know all the stuff you grab before heading off to work - a friend of hers took it sometime ago and gave it to her on her ride last night. I'm pretty sure she obviously put it there for me to see and ask about(ok at least 50% sure!), so I asked her about it, told her it was a nice photo and if I could have it for my office. She said sure take it and it's on my desk now - grain of salt there but I thought it was a positive gesture for both of us?

I think so, too. It shows you care for her and the pic represents something she really cares about - biking.

Last night was OK, had to whip up dinner again for everyone, no big deal as her mother had to have an emergency eye procedure late afternoon - she came over for dinner as well - another fine gourmet effort by me I must say - hell I like to eat well too! I knew she had been running the kids and her mom all day, so I took the initiative to do all the clean up as well - no big deal but by the time 9pm rolled around I was beat! I went to bed without her and no TV to wind down with - another 180 - she came up about 10 minutes later and she did ask why I didn't do the TV thing anymore - I just said I do sometimes -rolled over and went to sleep, she was upset about that - whether it was going to bed without her, no TV as usual or what I have no idea.

You did all that - took care of business - nice! But it wore you out so you turned in early. Nothing wrong with that. Of interest is that she kinda sorta missed you being there with her watching tv. Good for her to know she misses you sometimes.

No gym class for her this morning which is good - another small verification the she's not seeing the OM as it's his class to teach, she also had to bail on a ride Wed night because he was there as well - she went on a different ride with another group. I was supposed to go and meet them all after my MTB ride, but kid duties got in the way and I couldn't make it. She didn't say anything about me not making it to dinner with all of them, but I am an outsider with that crowd - no big deal to me though.

So she's making an effort to steer clear. Check mark in her column.

Be consistent. You're doing fine work. Remember - your spirits stay up b/c you are taking care of you - GAL! She's noticing, and that's a plus - but it's not about her, is it. It's about Dave being a better Dave.
Greek

[AJM]

Hi Danger. I read through your posts and wanted to make a suggestion: Your wife seems to be screaming for change. Not that she wants out, but that she wants...no needs change.
You seem to be handling this very very well, but I think there is an undercurrent of needed change. That's what I see the EA being really all about. If it wasn't, then there would have been more and she wouldn't have come back.
On your end, be sure that you are over the EA. If not, it will poison your relationship. I've seen it

You have time to work these things out - that's a long process. But wanted to suggest these things to you to be sure you are keeping perspective. Change is what is this seems to be all about - you can change together or apart, but I smell change. Whatever you are doing now, make sure the good changes stick for you.

Good luck,
AJ

[ShockedOne]

Sounds like things are going the right direction. I agree that the C is pushing you to pursue and I agree that you should not pursue at this time.

[DangerDave]

Hey Greek - Great insight and tips!

I think we're insync here with the assumptions (hate that word, it's my Control factor talking) and the concert line is sweet!!! I like it! As far as my C goes, I really respect the guy, but I'm going to shift gears with him and have us focus on My Issues from here on for a while rather than the marriage. Between the expert advice I'm getting from you and others here along with my DB coach (echos what is said here, albeit a softer touch), I really think one attack plan is all my brain (and body)can process at a time!

Stay tuned for a Fathers Day update - it going to be an eventful weekend - positive of course!!

Greek Thanks So Much,

DD

[DangerDave]

Hi AJM!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate the advice! As for the changes, I totally agree, I've been busting my *ss for 6 weeks now on 180's and GAL's and am making huge strides in myself and sticking to it. My previous posts include the W's comments about not knowing who this is she's living with, stranger in the house and needing a C to help her cope with this new person she doesn't know - so I see those as change - she's said she can't say she likes it, but also has not said she does not as well - she's still trying to sort it out in her fogged mind imo.

As for the EA and my issues with it - there are none. It was my fault for letting this all fall apart in the first place and I truly believe that she had know idea at first what she was doing, it evolved naturally into a deeper EA and I think she was as shocked herself when she fully realized what she had done - not that she was sorry, but it' against her core values (ball A) to do something like that. I don't discuss it at all and don't lose sleep over it either. I might envision choking the leaving *hit out him while slam the weights at the gym, but after that I'm good to go all day long without a care!

If you have the time to catch up on my thread, I would love to have your insight here along with Greek, Shocked and OTMT as well - I add it all up and work what seems to be a solid game plan from all of you!

Thanks again

DD

[DangerDave]

Hi Shocked!

My sentiments exactly, if you take a moment to read my response to Greek, it should show you my planned direction with my C - good ones are hard to fine and I need plenty of help with me too!!

Thanks!

DD