Here is where I am right now in case I have been confusing (which I’m sure I have because this is just a roller coaster). I first found out about WH’s problem in February 2010; prior to this I knew he had an affair from Jan 09-Mar 09 but we stayed together and were doing pretty well. Prior to his disclosure I had NO CLUE whatsoever that he was involved in any of these kinds of activities (since 2006). NO CLUE. I was the kind of wife that was not jealous, realized that people flirted everyone once in a while, no big deal. Once I found out about everything in February I was hurt and shocked but at the time didn’t really realize the extent (that I do now) but thought he had a problem. He begged me “not to give up on him” and he wanted to get help and was ashamed, etc. So I had thought this entire time in therapy he was working through these issues and our relationship was “fine”. I didn’t really realize the extent of everything. So when he left in my mind I was thinking that this wasn’t even still an issue – that obviously doesn’t make sense to me now that he could just be “cured” but when he left I was so convinced it was my fault, etc. You have to remember that WH has been dealing with these emotions and problems since 2006, I just found out about it in Feb and even then I have never even seen this side of my WH so it’s almost hard for me to put the two people together which is why it has been so hard to detach.
Now that I have had a chance to step away from the situation for about a month I’ve realized that WH’s problem is more severe than I had known about previously (this is common for SAs to not disclose everything). Although I’m not in WH’s therapy sessions with him I was told by him that all he talked about in therapy was me and our marriage. This comment and the fact that I have multiple proof that he is acting out leads me to believe he never took any of his time (or very little) to work on himself and this problem. I now (after a month) have come to the realization/understanding that we could never just “get back together” (I’m not saying he would want that anyway, just hypothetical). It could never just go back to how it was because too much damage has been done, I know too much now and I can’t live with someone like that. However, I’m not at a place mentally, emotionally, etc to completely let go. Everyday I am working on myself and working on letting go but I’m not there yet. I have a lot of anger and I don’t want to just file for divorce I want to feel more at peace and I don’t want to do things out of anger.
If I could have anything come true I would hope that over the next year WH realizes the error of his ways, wants to get help and build a new relationship but that is obviously not very likely. Right now, at least by being separated WH is still paying his portion of bills so I’m still able to live in our house and will be able to do so for AT LEAST the next year until a divorce is final – which depending on when/who files I may not be divorced for the next 1.5 years. Besides everything he has done I almost feel like I’m getting my way a little bit by NOT filing because he has to live with his parents for the next year because he can’t afford ½ mortgage and to get an apartment.
Right now, WH has NO IDEA that I know anything about was has happened since he left. For all he knows, I still think he is “cured” and everything is fine. I don’t know if I will get to a point where I feel the need to confront him, possibly towards the end as part of my closure and final “goodbye”. All I know is I can barely stand to be in the room with him anymore (like at the wedding). He has these visions of us still being friends and I can’t even imagine. There is no way that could happen unless he got help – why would I want to be friends with someone like that.
Right now I’m mourning the person I thought I knew and loved and though I married. It is very painful to realize that basically your entire marriage was a lie. You question everything that you ever did together, everything he ever said. I’m almost 30 now, which I know it’s terribly old but all of my friends are married and are starting to have children and so I’m also mourning this life that I thought I was building and this future I thought I was going to have. It’s very painful and very sad. This has changed me as a person and the way I trust and view relationships. Realizing that there was so much deceit. I just almost can’t fathom it.
So, do I still want to be married to my husband? Well, yes, but the husband that I thought I knew. The one that I had before all of this happened. And unless he changes or decides to change we can’t be together.
