BH, I get what you are saying. I'm there. I've only been here for a short time, but I've been in a bad M for a lot longer. I'd been doing my version of standing for more than 2 years. I was doing most of it wrong...lol... but I was fighting. I've recently come to the realization my standing was still trying to control the sitch.
We WILL stay married & we WILL be happy, even if it kills us!!!
Um. Yeah.
I could never tell someone they are standing too long. That is a very personal & painful decision. Like fig said, you stand for the M, you stand for the MLCer, and then all of a sudden you realize you are standing for you. Powerful stuff.
I won't even touch upon whether or not I thought the verbage & the tone was snarky. We all know I have a terrible track record for that. I will say that people will see what they want to see. If they want to see hope for a marriage, they will find it. If they want to see a dismal outlook for a save, then they will find that, too. I can't give anybody numbers to prove my point--people will find the info they are looking for in them.
I do want to touch upon a comment you made about your W not being worthy of forgiveness.
You are right, her actions were heinous. I can't imagine walking away from my children.
That said...your kids are already going to have enough issues coming to grips with this as they get older--your holding onto to the anger isn't going to help them any.
Forgiveness isn't about the other person. Your forgiving her isn't about her. It's all about you. Holding onto any amount of anger or hostility is only hurting you. Trust me. The other person just doesn't care. Pretty soon that anger starts to grow, even if you don't realize it. It becomes a shadow that darkens parts of your life that deserve the time & space to grow freely.
By forgiving someone, let's say an abusive exboyfriend of mine (just to get the focus off of you so you don't feel I'm attacking you)...
I was angry with him for such a long time. I would never forgive him. Or I would forgive, but I'd never forget!! Which is really the same as not forgiving him. How dare he do that to me. I didn't deserve that. I'd make the next man pay just because he didn't. Even when I wasn't consciously thinking it, it was still there.
My anger towards him wasn't hurting him. It was hurting me. Still. He was still winning.
By forgiving him, and more importantly--forgiving myself, I gave myself permission to let it go. I wasn't saying in any way, shape, or form that it was okay to leave bruises on me, or to say the things he did to me. It's not okay. It's still not okay to do that to anyone. I'm just not making either of us pay for it anymore.
I read a quote in a book about how people need to love like they have never been hurt before because we color everything we have now with the hurt and fear from our pasts. We become so focused not getting hurt again that we miss out on the joys that today brings.
Your kids will be better for it because they won't grow up with that negative aspect of their lives--that their mother abandoned them. Even if you say it so she looks as guilty as she is, that she left two beautiful children, all they are going to hear is "your mother left you." Kids fill in the blanks quickly & personalize nearly everything. Soon they will feel that they did something wrong & that they weren't good enough for their mommy to stay. Even though that is so not the truth.
Can you see where I'm going? Not understanding why she did it? Sure. Not agreeing with it? Absolutely. But I beg you to please, somehow, find a way to forgive her. Get rid of that negative view and keep it far away from the kids. Let them grow up knowing just how incredible they are, shower them with all the praise they deserve. Don't even mention her. They will figure it out eventually, they don't need any help.
And besides, when you purge that from your heart, you will have even more room to feel love for that wonderful woman who is in your life. I'll bet she'd like that very much.
Don't forgive her for her, forgive her for yourself, your kids & every future relationship you will have. You deserve it. They deserve it.
Stop letting her win.
(((blessings on the new happiness you've found)))
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
