Hey all. I keep getting betterer and betterer. LOL
Smiling, PMA UP UP UP, happy and moving on.
My lovers, my best friend, my favorite man outside of my father is mentally ill.
He told me he could not go to see his mother with me and the kids yesterday b/c he had plans for boy scouts... and then showed up for 20 min visit (it's a 40 min drive each way) This is the third time he's done something like this (driving to see my mom on Mother's day in the next state and then when he found we weren't home, leaving to go back home rather than wait for us) It's all so bizarre. I had bought dinner for everyone but him and so when he came, I split my sandwich with him.
Anyway, I am still feeling hurt for him. I am so sorry he's in pain and choosing this unhealthy way to handle it. He's shut me out entirely because he needs to rationalize in his own head the fact that he is cheating on me. Somewhere deep inside, he remembers he loves me and we are best friends and that we were so close - until he put up his walls. She is a band aid, she is not even close to being as good as me, and she is, quite frankly, also a bit sick in the head. I feel badly for her as well, and I've forgiven both H and OW. (even though he told everyone I was mentally ill, that just was projection and I'm actually one of the most sane, put together, and mentally stable people I know... so, time to get myself back again - he ACTUALLY told people how religious I am and then said I was suicidal... how does that fit?)
Anyway, three months is long enough to grieve over the loss of my marriage. When he is ready to come back, I'll be here. I'm still standing, and I know it will all work out in the end. However, as of today, I am moving forward and not looking back.
I moving on with my life and feeling very very happy about it.
I just got off the phone with the secretary of the biology dept at my school. I stopped attending 5 years ago when my H's kids came to live with us in that emergency DSS situation... and I focused on them. I have three classes to finish and I'll have my Biology and Physics degree with a Chemistry minor.
I'm seriously thinking of going to take some psychology courses and explore marriage counseling, though. Who knows, I was going to get into some sort of medical field... it may take that path.
In the short run, I took up painting and music again, took care of myself physically, lost 40 pounds (still more to go, but doing well), got a hair cut, began wearing makeup again, tanning, and going to the gym. I began to make new friends and read as much as I could on the subject... and get a life.
Now, I'm ready to implement the beginning stages of the most radical remaking of my life. I've done the shallow, easy stuff, now I'm about to begin the deep, hard, long term "put the sheet over the statue while the Sculptor and His trainee begins to remake the masterpiece" stuff.
I'm absolutely so happy and looking forward to the beginning of my new life.
I've written down a list of deferred maintenance from my house and started already crossing things off. Things H said he'd take care of years ago... my new mantra is if I want it done, learn how to do it and do it yourself.
My FIL is helping me tremendously as he does a lot of this kind of household maintenance stuff.
