I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

Hi everyone. Sorry to be MIA. I'm still popping in & trying to keep up on every one else--just not much time to post or update.


So...

I ended up getting into a, IDK, *mini argument* with H yesterday. He wanted to take the kids after the Tball game last night to save time & money driving, forgot he was supposed to be back up here on Saturday for the last game. He'd planned *Happy Meal Night* with the kids from the team for last night--he was taking them all out for happy meals after the game.

The convo started well, then turned to $$ and how easy *I* had it since I was not experiencing an "income deficit". This is the man who just took he son & spent a pretty penny on a baseball game last weekend. The one who was going to take 12 6 year olds out to McDonalds last night. But he has a "income deficit"?

I hadn't mentioned anything about why he was spending money or where he was getting it from. None of my business. Please note I've not asked him for one dime. And now *I'm* living on easy street. According to him, I should have plenty of money since I'm not paying my mom to watch the kids when I work, and...

I'm not paying him to take them every other weekend, (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)


Are you freaking kidding me? And he was dead serious, btw. I told him that I was having a hard time taking care of three kids on my income, and what little I saved by him being gone was sucked up in other ways (like the $40 a month increase in car insurance for a speeding ticket he never told me about.)

"You had no problem sucking up my student loan checks."

Dude...the last one I saw was in November. I used the rest of the disbursement to help defray some of the costs of him not working. Car, insurance, gas, his clothes--you name it. He used the last one in Feb. to buy a new Mac for school. $1500 of computer. omg...it's like beating my head against a wall.

It doesn't matter, though. He is never going to get it. He went straight back to blaming me for "kicking him out." I used my typical DB responses of "I'm sorry you feel that way." and "I remember it very differently." But all he did was tell me I needed to face reality and stop being in denial.

"You threw me out and I didn't have any choice in the matter."

That did it. I'm done being wishy washy. Without being a bitch I touched on these points...

~You did have a choice. I told you that if I was to blame for all of your problems, then you needed to leave. And you left. You choose to pack up all of your stuff and leave. I didn't make you do anything.

~YOU control how this works out, H. Only you. No one else can decide what happens from here on out. You made choices that got you to this point, you'll make choices to get out of this mess. Where you end up is up to you. You are NOT a victim.

~I'm really very sorry about the fire. I'd love nothing more than to jump in and make everything better. But I can't. It's not my job. I did that too much during our marriage and it didn't help anything. It only made things worse. I can't fix any of this for you. I'm sorry.

~You've spent so much time feeling sorry for yourself that you've forgotten how to take care of yourself. You are the only one who can change this.


He was just angry--I doubt he heard any of it. He accused me of forgetting what our M was like & *faking* being nice to him. I told him I wasn't faking--I didn't see the point in fighting with him all the time.

He wasn't going to have any of it. He said something about my being an effin b!tch & hung up.

He upset me, but not in the way he usually does. I am tired of taking all of the responsibility for all of his problems. I am to blame for a lot of things that happened, of course I am. But this is getting stupid. So I shrugged it off, let it fall.

I was really rather calm and collected. My kids even asked me who I was talking to since I looked stern, but wasn't yelling. lol Not the way Mommy typically fights with Daddy. I didn't point out how inadequate he was, or what a loser he was or any of those other comments he's accused me of making.

Just simply I'm sorry, I can't fix it, you are the only person who can.


I called him later because I need the title to my car. I offered to take the title (and the almost $3000 we still owe on it) and give him the van. i'll sign whatever stating that I won't fight you for it, or for any value in it. Take it.

And...I apologized for the argument.

I told him I was sorry, our fighting was never going to solve anything and there was no point in it. He accepted, and apologized in return (which was nice, but not at all expected.) I apologized because I really AM tired of fighting with him. He doesn't hear me, I'm wasting my breath and my energy. I didn't apologize to make him feel better (he could have told me to eff off & I wouldn't have been surprised).

I apologized for me. Does that make sense? I do not want to be the person who is always fighting with her...whatever he is. I'm tired of my heart hurting anymore because I let his words or actions get to me. I'm tired of beating my head against a wall. I owe my children more than that.

I owe myself more than that. And the only way I'm going to get the peaceful heart I want is to stop letting it (him) take that away.

Say what you want, H. No more complaints from here.

It is what it is. And nothing more.