No one has answered the question about being dark because there is no cut and dry answer. It isn't like you do it for six months and that will make them miss you so much that all will be ok. There will be no more anger or spew or stuff.
If I remember reading correctly, you asked for this because you were wanting to stop all of his spew that came out when you did talk. So you did it for yourself. You did it so that you could heal.
Answer a question for yourself, as honestly as you can possibly be with yourself right now.
IF you were to talk to him, AND he either A) didn't say he missed you, wants to come home, etc...or B) began all of the angry hate filled spew that you got used to hearing or C) both...would you be able to hear it and NOT sink into a pit of despair, hurt, and anger? Would you be able to accept it for what it is, MLC spew, and let it roll off of your back or would you be devastated?
This is what SA means when she says you will know the right time. Only you know where you are and what your reaction would be.
I think, forgive me if I am presumptious, that you had a small sliver of hope that you asking him to not contact you, would make him miss you, make him become the pursuer, and make him realize that he was making a mistake.
If he is MLC, that is not likely to happen because of one simple comment, and right now, not likely to happen at all because he is still in his tunnel.
MLC, takes a very long time sweetie. It just does. We can wish it away, we can do things to try to shorten it, but there just isn't a way to shorten someone else's healing process. For some, that process may never end. They may never heal.
MLC, happens, because the healing process has begun. Feelings, from events that were traumatic, events that stunted them in their emotional growing, begin to resurface. That is scary, overwhelming. Because our MLCer's don't have the skills needed to deal with these things, they run. They try every thing that they can think of to ignore or stuff these things back down where they were buried. For some it works well enough that they can stay stuck, never really being happy, but never understanding what they need to do to become happy. Others, begin to allow that process to continue, but at a very slow pace. That is WHY this takes so long...
Your H, was career military. He has some of that stuff to deal with as well. I had a friend who was a Marine. Did a police action in Haiti in the 90's while they were having their civil war. Upon his return, his debriefing consisted of "you are not to speak of the things that you witnessed while you were there". Isn't our military just wonderful?
Some of the things he witnessed, but was not allowed to interfere in...a person being placed inside of car tires and set on fire, being chased by a man with a machete, voodoo rituals, horrors that I won't even repeat. If he had listened and not spoken about these things, and he only did with me and a therapist, he would probably be more of a mess right now than he is. He was very changed by all of it. And he felt, for a long time upon returning, that he was not allowed to turn anywhere. Our military did not want to even consider that this could have been traumatic for him.
So, Punkin, you will know when it is time to have contact. The answer is when YOU are ready. And only you know when that will be.
I did like your thought on SA's thread about taking the grandkids out. Take this time, get to know them, enjoy them, teach them things. Laugh, live, and love with them.
Take Jack's suggestion, get out in those mountains and enjoy the beauty that is around you.
Learn to appreciate life through Punkin's eyes, heart, and mind.
If you can banter with my friend Jack, you can do these things.
I promise.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
